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Think Faster, Talk Smarter

Matt Abrahams

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My Summary

Main Ideas, Takeaways & Similarities

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Questions

I. What is the problem?
A. How is this problem formulated?
B. Why is this problem important?
C. What is the history of this problem?
D. Which prominent personalities have been interested in this problem?

II. What solutions to the problem are there?
A. What are the conclusions reached?
B. By what argument(s) is the conclusion reached?
C. What facts or assumptions serve as premises?
D. When a prominent personality offers a solution, does he also argue for or against other prominent personalities? Does he raise objections to alternative solutions? Does he consider objections to his own solutions?

III. Evaluation
A. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the alternative formulations to the problem?
B. Has the importance or history of the problem ever been misrepresented?
C. Are the solutions logically related to the premises?
D. Are the facts true? Are the assumptions acceptable? Are the objections answerable?

AI Summary

Highlights

This method has six steps: First, we must acknowledge what we already know—that communication in general and impromptu speaking in particular are nerveracking. We must create a personalized anxiety management plan to help address our jitters. Second, we must reflect on our approach to communication and how we judge ourselves and others, seeing these situations as opportunities for connection and collaboration. Third, we must give ourselves permission to adopt new mindsets, take risks, and reenvision mistakes as missed takes. Fourth, we must listen deeply to what others are saying (and perhaps not saying) while also tuning in to our own internal voice and intuition. Fifth, we must leverage story structure to make our ideas more intelligible, sharper, and more compelling than they might otherwise have been. And sixth, we must focus audiences as much as possible on the essence of what we’re saying, cultivating precision, relevance, accessibility, and concision. (Page 10)

In truth, striving to get our communication “right” only increases the odds that we’ll communicate poorly. If we try to memorize our way to success or fixate on one way of speaking, we’ll focus so much on trying to remember what we’ve worked on that we’ll likely freeze up in the moment and fail to tune in to what’s happening around us. We’ll lose out on the chance to adapt and respond authentically in the moment. We’ll distance ourselves from what we really must do to think faster and talk smarter: be ourselves, stay present, and connect with our audience. (Page 12)

You’ll learn how to manage your anxieties (chapter 1: Calm), prevent perfectionism from holding you back (chapter 2: Unlock), and avoid a closed or resistant mindset (chapter 3: Redefine). Next, I’ll impart specific tools and tactics you can use to excel. You’ll learn how to listen actively to your audience to understand what is really needed in the situation (chapter 4: Listen), structure content on the fly (chapter 5: Structure), and streamline your ideas so they’re focused and compelling (chapter 6: Focus). (Page 15)

Of course, I can’t promise that you’ll perform perfectly in any specific situation just by learning these techniques. But to be honest, I wouldn’t want you to perform perfectly every time. Spontaneous situations are by definition … spontaneous. Those who do best are flexible, agile, and creative in applying the tools and techniques I discuss. They can adjust their communication to suit the room and the mood. Still, having a methodology in your back pocket as you go through life can make a huge difference. It helps you feel more comfortable and confident in approaching any in-themoment speaking situation, giving you a basis for navigating situations that might otherwise seem overwhelming. (Page 16)

PART I (Page 17)

CALM • UNLOCK • REDEFINE • LISTEN • STRUCTURE • FOCUS (Page 17)

Chapter 1: Calm TAME THE ANXIETY BEAST (Page 18)

A powerful way to address unhelpful or negative feelings that arise in the moment is to practice mindfulness Notice and acknowledge the unpleasant feelings, don’t ignore or deny them, and don’t berate yourself for experiencing them. As you’re experiencing these feelings, affirm their inability to define you as a person. As Stanford professor S. Christian Wheeler relates, “There’s me and then there’s this anxious feeling that is going on in my body. That amount of psychological distance allows you to observe it without becoming attached to it.” (Page 20)

The next time you feel a negative emotion like anxiety, remind yourself that you and the emotion are not the same thing. Imagine you were someone else observing you experiencing the emotion. (Page 20)

reframe anxiety as excitement. (Page 21)

It turns out that anxiety affects your body in much the same way as excitement does. Both put us in a state of “very high alertness.” Like mindfulness, reframing anxiety as something you are excited about affords us a sense of agency. We can’t control our basic physiological response to the perceived threat posed by speaking, but we can control how we understand and label it. Feeling that sense of control shifts our experience of speaking and helps us to do better at it. (Page 21)

To address behavioral symptoms, one tried-and-true method is to focus on your breathing. Take some deep, long belly breaths, the kind you would do if you were practicing yoga or tai chi. Really fill your lower abdomen. As you’ll find, breathing in this way allows you to feel calmer and slows your heart rate as well as the pace of your speech. (Page 21)

As you breathe, focus on the relative length of inhalations and exhalations. I was privileged to have the neuroscientist Andrew Huberman appear on my Think Fast, Talk Smart: The Podcast. As he observed, the magic of deep breathing when it comes to alleviating anxiety is in the exhalation. When you exhale, you’re reducing carbon dioxide in your lungs, which in turn calms your nervous system. A good rule of thumb—or should I say, rule of lung—is to make exhalations twice as long as inhalations. Count to three as you inhale, and exhale over a count of six. Studies show (Page 21)

that deep breathing of this sort starts to calm your nervous system in a matter of seconds Run through this pattern of breathing just two or three times and your heart rate will begin to slow. (Page 22)

You’ll find that the rate at which you speak will slow as well. Speaking is all about breath and breath control. The faster you breathe, the faster you speak. Slow your breathing, and your speech also will naturally slow. (Page 22)

If you’re a fast talker, you might find that deep breathing alone doesn’t slow you down. In that case, try slowing your movements—your hand motions, the nodding of your head, the twisting of your torso, and so on. We tend to synchronize our speech with our gestures. Fast talkers gesture quickly, using swift, jerky motions. Slow down our movements, and our speech will slow as well. (Page 22)

You can counteract these effects by cooling your body. Focus here on your hands. Just like your forehead or the back of your neck, your hands serve to regulate your body temperature. Have you ever warmed up on a cold morning by holding a warm cup of coffee or tea? That’s your built-in thermoregulator in action. At moments when you’re put on the spot or you think you’re about to be, try holding something cold in your hand, like a bottle or glass of water. I do it all the time in speaking situations when I’m anxious (yes, I sometimes get anxious, too). It really helps. (Page 22)

I can banish that nasty little voice and take back control by repeating a more positive mantra in my head. Professional golfers often do this, repeating a word like “calm” or “poise” to tamp down negative self-talk. We can also adopt mantras that remind us of our deeper purposes. In a spontaneous communication situation, you might tell yourself something like: “I have value to add.” “I’ve improvised my way out of tough spots before—I’ve got this.” “It’s not about me—my content is compelling.” Repeating a mantra can allow us to redirect our thoughts, unchaining us from the doom loop running through our minds. (Page 23)

If you blank out, try going back to go forward. Recall what was just said and repeat it. Doing this can give yourself a moment to get yourself back on track. (Page 23)

Repetition is okay. (Page 24)

You can also buy yourself time by posing generic questions that might make sense given the context. (Page 24)

But we should put our fears into perspective and realize that these consequences probably won’t come to pass. People are often so consumed with their own anxieties and the impression they are leaving that they aren’t paying that much attention to us. This phenomenon is so well known that psychologists have a name for it: the spotlight effect Most likely, we are dramatically overestimating any negative impressions that others might have of us on account of our speaking. (Page 25)

The trick is this: when you speak, work to articulate your sentences and phrases so that you’re completely out of breath at the end of the sentence or phrase. Try it a few times—it’s not hard, and you don’t have to use long sentences or phrases to do it. Just time your exhalation to coincide with the completion of a sentence or phrase. I envision a gymnast sticking their landing. If you synch your speaking with your breathing in this way, you’ll have to inhale upon finishing a sentence or phrase. That will make it more difficult for you to utter a filler word. (Page 26)

Chapter 2: Unlock MAXIMIZE MEDIOCRITY (Page 33)

As psychologists have documented, our brains more easily process stimuli that conform to expected patterns than they do stimuli that are unexpected. (Page 34)

Mediocrity usually gets a bad rap—and deservedly so. Nobody wants to maximize their mediocrity. But in spontaneous communication, that’s exactly what you need to do. In a delightful paradox, the more mediocre you give yourself permission to be, the better, more compelling a speaker you become. (Page 34)

The very act of trying to “get it right” hampers us. It locks us in and overloads our minds, preventing us from responding to our listeners and projecting our personalities fully in the moment. (Page 34)

This efficiency, however, comes at a cost, in two key respects. First, heuristics limit our spontaneity, which interferes with our ability to be present. (Page 36)

Our use of heuristics poses a second problem: it limits our creativity. Because our brains are operating in rule-bound ways, we tend to arrive at answers that are expected, familiar, or logical. We are less likely to spontaneously generate reactions that are more creative, novel, or “out there.” (Page 37)

Relying on heuristics might enable us to respond quickly when put on the spot, but we usually aren’t opening ourselves up to many other, possible paths that might surprise or deeply engage our audiences. It is only when we manage to suspend and venture beyond our normal mental rules that magic can happen. (Page 38)

To up our communications game, we don’t need to banish in full our every use of heuristics. Rather, we want to become more aware of the mental shortcuts we habitually take, learning to tune them out or turn them off at times so that we can become more agile and adaptive. We want to increase our ability to make conscious choices when we communicate rather than simply invoking a rote response. (Page 39)

The next step for them to improve their communication is to take some of the precious cognitive resources they were spending in the dogged pursuit of perfection and redirect them to being present and engaged in the task at hand. This shift takes effort at first, which seemingly contradicts my point that this is about using less energy. But students find that their communication does become smoother and more authentic with practice. (Page 43)

Shifting from doing it right to just doing it reduces the pressure we feel. It allows us to focus less on the best possible way of communicating and simply allows us to put things in our own words and terms. (Page 44)

To embrace mistakes, we can learn to adjust how we think of them—not as the opposite of success, but as the means to it. When Stanford marketing professor S. Christian Wheeler appeared on my podcast, he remarked that mistakes and failures are a natural and essential part of the learning process. As toddlers and small children, we think nothing of making mistakes. We’re always messing up the simplest of tasks—walking, using a spoon, tying our shoes. As adults, we distance ourselves from failure, and in turn, prevent ourselves from learning and growing. “We need to recognize that failure is a great thing,” Wheeler says, “because failure suggests that we are operating at the outside of our abilities and that we have some skills that we can acquire to better adapt to our circumstances.”10 (Page 44)

To help us reframe communications as conversations, we can take three steps. First, we can adjust our use of language. When we feel ourselves to be on a stage, or at least in the spotlight, we sometimes use words that are cold, formal, and passive. We do this because we’re anxious and seek to establish authority. Otherwise, we might get physical distance by stepping back and folding our hands in front of us. (Page 47)

Another way of reframe communication as conversation is by posing more questions. Questions, even rhetorical ones, are two-way interactions. You and others around you enter into a back-and-forth. No longer are you alone “onstage” in front of your audience—you’re engaging in a dialogue. Even when you’re making a statement, you can think of it as an answer to an unasked question. That in itself can give the encounter a conversational feel and lower the pressure you might experience. (Page 47)

Finally, we must beware of the memorization trap into which so many of us fall. In advance of job interviews or other situations where we’ll likely have to speak spontaneously, it is tempting to have some key lines or talking points nailed down in advance. That way, we’ll know just what to say when the time comes. (Page 48)

Chapter 3: Redefine MIND YOUR MINDSET (Page 53)

My friend Dan Klein, improvisation expert and lecturer at Stanford, takes a different approach. He goes out for a walk or a jog and tries to get lost. As he recounted on my podcast, he doesn’t try “to get so lost that it’s actually physically dangerous and I might be in trouble.”1 Just a little lost, for the sake of discovering something new and potentially wonderful. (Page 53)

When we suspend our usual expectations and goals and greet the world with a spirit of openness, curiosity, and adventure, we can benefit in unforeseen ways. It’s true with getting lost, and it’s true with spontaneous speaking. By shifting our mindset, we can train ourselves to greet impromptu interactions not as threats but as opportunities for learning, collaboration, and growth. With this shift, we can see better results as communicators and learn to actually enjoy the journey. (Page 54)

Mindset Shift #1: From Fixed to Growth (Page 55)

If we embrace a fixed mindset, we spend time trying to prove our intellectual capacity to ourselves. We often try to avoid challenging situations, we don’t feel motivated to better ourselves, we don’t welcome critical feedback to help us change, and we treat others’ success as a threat to our own. Adopting a growth mindset, by contrast, sparks a desire to learn and grow. We welcome challenges, alert to what they might teach us. We welcome critical feedback, and we try hard, believing that with diligence and persistence we can make progress. Instead of fearing others’ success as a threat, we feel inspired by their examples and try to learn from them. (Page 56)

A growth mindset affirms the idea that impromptu communication is one of many opportunities for learning. If you bring to social interactions the notion that you are still incomplete as a human being and can improve, you’ll probably feel more curious, engaged, and open-minded as you communicate. You won’t feel as stressed if your communication doesn’t go as planned; you’ll regard any failures as a chance to practice your skills and learn valuable lessons. Without the need to prove or validate your abilities, you’ll feel less pressured or besieged. (Page 56)

In instances when you’ve struggled to communicate well, adopt what Dweck calls a “not yet” attitude. You can potentially master various aspects (Page 56)

of spontaneous communication; you just haven’t done it yet. Set realistic goals and delineate steps to achieve them. Take stock of your current proficiency and consider what kind of growth might be possible in the short and long term. Remind yourself that you might well achieve the improvement you seek if you keep trying, and that even if your progress is slow, trying your best has value in and of itself. (Page 57)

Mindset Shift #2: From Thinking about You to Thinking about Your Audience (Page 57)

To the extent we focus on others, we obsess over how they’re reacting to us. (Page 58)

In spontaneous situations, surveying the room can likewise yield a wealth of information, including the mood of audience members, their energy levels, their likes and dislikes, and so on. These insights can clue us in to what audience members expect of us and how we might best help them. (Page 58)

Google executive Kathy Bonanno believes that most audience members harbor a simple desire in posing questions of speakers: to “have a good moment” with the speaker, a heightened sense of connection and immediacy. When she handles audience questions, she focuses simply on trying to have such moments. This mental technique, she says, “has really relaxed me quite a bit. I’m just really trying to engage with them and connect with them.”11 Judging from the positive feedback she has received, the tactic works. (Page 59)

Mindset Shift #3: From “Yes, But …” or “No!” to “Yes, And …” (Page 60)

Surprise—I have a gift for you! It’s another game to play. For this one, you need a partner. If you’re sitting at home, ask your spouse, child, or roommate to play it with you. If you’re at work reading during your lunch break, ask a colleague to serve as your partner. If you’re alone, jump on a virtual call. What I’d like you and your partner to do is to practice giving an imaginary gift to one another. Your partner will give you a gift first. Ask them to hold out their hands in front of them as if they were giving you a big box wrapped up nice and (Page 60)

tied with a bow. Your job is to pretend to receive the gift. You take the box, open it, look inside, and say, “Oh, this is wonderful. Thank you for the [fill in what the gift is].” Just utter the first thing that comes to your mind as the imaginary gift. It could be a baby rhinoceros. A lightbulb. A bar of bath soap. A stinky running shoe. Whatever it is, thank your partner for giving it. Your partner in turn will then explain on the spot why they got you the gift, saying whatever comes to their mind. You might open the box and exclaim, “Oh, thank you so much for the turtle!” Your partner might in turn say, “Oh, yes, I knew you would like it because you were such a big fan growing up of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And what’s better than having your very own live turtle?” This game thus has two bits of spontaneity built into it: first, in defining the gift; second, in justifying the giving of it. (Page 61)

The game also dramatizes a more specific mindset shift that helps support the notion of spontaneous speaking as an opportunity. So often in life, we resist ideas others put to us. If we don’t say “no” outright, we might find ourselves saying some version of, “Yes, but …” As in, “Yes, that seems like a good idea, but you might want to think about this.” Or, “Yes, I hear you, but I just don’t think you’re right.” We object, critique, offer caveats. (Page 61)

“Yes, and …” is both breathtakingly simple and extraordinarily powerful. Focus on “Yes, and …” in your daily encounters with others and you’ll start to see each moment as an opportunity for something wonderful and unexpected. By adopting a posture of “Yes, and …” you nudge yourself to listen to what others are saying so that you can respond (I’ll have more to say about listening in chapter 4). You also relinquish a measure of control over how a social interaction progresses. You can’t plot out each step in advance. All you can do is listen and respond and then continue to add to subsequent contributions others make. Each contribution you make becomes an opportunity to take the conversation in a new and interesting direction. (Page 62)

“Yes, and …” is an incredibly helpful way of slowing down your judgment of an idea. Instead of allowing your first response to dictate your reaction, use “Yes, and …” to tease out the underlying logic. Although it might seem difficult at first to say “Yes, and … ,” such a response might seem more plausible and natural as you understand the nuance of the other person’s message and the context in which they formed their thoughts. Pay special attention to your own biases. It’s easy to unintentionally squelch others’ willingness to contribute by judging them too hastily. Likewise, when you interrupt someone or respond too quickly to a suggestion of theirs, they can feel ignored or undervalued. Adam Tobin in our Improvisationally Speaking class often reminds students that by purposely resisting the impulse to judge, you can not only open yourself up to new ideas but also ensure that you remain receptive to a variety of diverse ideas and inputs. (Page 63)

Madson learned an important lesson about how to handle mistakes: Don’t ruminate on them. Just keep going. “When you have a gaffe,” she says, “your attention should be on what comes next, rather than on, how did I do that?” If you do, you might find that your audience appreciates your fortitude. “I think some of our heroes are those people who are not cowed by something. The advice I’d give to students is it’s not the mistake that matters. It’s your recovery that you’ve got control over.” (Page 64)

There is a famous Zen parable that helps us remember not to judge gaffes or victories—our own, or others—too quickly. A farmer learns that (Page 65)

his horse has escaped its pen. When his neighbors comment on his bad luck, he says, “Maybe.” When his horse returns along with several wild horses, his neighbors remark on this good turn of fortune. “Maybe,” the farmer responds again. When his son later tries to ride one of the wild horses and suffers injury upon being thrown off, the neighbors console the farmer. His response: “Maybe.” Shortly afterward, the farmer learns that his son’s injuries have caused the army to disqualify his son from participating in a military draft. More great news, but yet again the wise farmer responds with, “Maybe.” (Page 66)

My epiphany with Sandy informed how I handled subsequent conversations with the other employees on my team. I acknowledged and validated the pain that they were feeling, but I also tried to highlight the opportunity that was at hand. I made sure that I could answer questions about details of their packages and that I knew where to direct them when I lacked information. During most of these conversations, we spent time brainstorming potential future directions for my team members. A number of employees wrote me afterward to thank me for how I’d broken the news to them and handled their departure. (Page 68)

Chapter 4: Listen DON’T JUST DO SOMETHING … STAND THERE! (Page 70)

The more we listen, the more headway we’re liable to make with others. In subsequent studies with employees, researchers found that “listening seems to make an employee more relaxed, more self-aware of his (Page 73)

or her strengths and weaknesses, and more willing to reflect in a nondefensive manner.”5 By allowing more information to flow and making collaboration easier, we can create more opportunity for connection and increase the chances that our spontaneous speaking will land successfully with our audience. (Page 74)

We must stay alert for behavioral cues into how others are feeling, and we must also notice our own cues that might inhibit others from expressing themselves. (Page 76)

In addition to moderating our pace, we can listen better in the moment by carving out space for ourselves to reflect on what we’ve heard. We’ve taken the time to open ourselves up to others’ perspectives. Now we must ponder our own responses and how we might best meet the other person’s needs. (Page 78)

Beyond asking clarifying questions, a second way we might create an opening for reflection is to paraphrase what we’ve just heard a speaker say. Paraphrasing isn’t parroting back what the other person said (for example, “What I hear you saying is …”). Rather, it’s distilling the essence of what we heard them communicate. Doing so can serve a number of purposes depending on the context: It can ensure that we understood someone’s meaning correctly. It can allow us to acknowledge an emotion that someone is feeling. It can give us a chance to make connections between ideas. It can show others that we’ve been listening. And in most situations, it can also allow us to step back and think about what we’ve been hearing. (Page 79)

Look consciously for opportunities to convey emotions that you might be feeling in the course of interacting with others. Challenge yourself during your next three substantive conversations to interject at least once or twice, expressing emotions you’re feeling. You might say something like, “You know, what you’re saying brings an interesting feeling up for me …” and then elaborate as best you can. Externalizing your emotions can get you in the habit of registering your internal voice more strongly and listening to it. In so doing, you’re training yourself to feel and share more. (Page 83)

Chapter 5: Structure STRUCTURE YOUR SPONTANEITY (Page 86)

A structure as I define it is a narrative or story that logically connects ideas with one another, organizing them into a beginning, a middle, and an end. If you rely on a list of bullet points in a spontaneous situation, you’ve missed the point. (Page 89)

“Structure is an important tenet of any successful speech,” she says, “whether it’s impromptu or not. You have to be able to get a beginning, a middle, and an end. You have to know where you’re going to start and where you’re going to end.” (Page 89)

Salespeople often follow a structure called Problem–Solution–Benefit when (Page 89)

pitching their wares. (Page 90)

In general, it’s a good idea to give your audience some kind of road map at the outset of a speech of any length, spontaneous or not. Thinking about what you want to communicate in the context of a story structure can be a useful way to organize your thoughts, even when speaking on the spot. (Page 91)

A second way structure helps with spontaneous speaking is by helping both us and our audience to remember important messages. (Page 91)

Yet our brains were also designed to seek out, enjoy, create, and remember structured narratives or stories. (Page 92)

As behavioral scientist Jennifer Aaker reflects, “Those who tell the best stories will (Page 92)

become the best leaders,” precisely because they activate both the rational and emotional parts of audience members’ brains. (Page 93)

As Nasr explains, one of the greatest benefits of adopting a narrative structure is “repeatability.” Often, the venture capitalist with whom an entrepreneur might be meeting isn’t the one making the final decision about whether to provide funding. That person has to go back to their firm and pitch the entrepreneur’s company to others. If entrepreneurs tell a wellcrafted story, it will more likely stick with those hearing it, and they in turn will have an easier time repeating it so that it sticks with their listeners. Over time, Nasr reflects, the repeatability of a story among listeners “changes a mere narrative into mythology. Because it gets repeated generation upon generation upon generation.” (Page 93)

The best stories don’t simply impart information. They make it meaningful, enlightening, and energizing. In the process, a simple communication takes on a life of its own. Who wouldn’t want this kind of impact for their spontaneous speaking? I know I would. (Page 93)

If you make it easier for your audience to find their way throughout your content, they’ll be better able to contextualize and process it. (Page 94)

Considering the topic and audience, I ponder (Page 95)

whether I might use a persuasive structure like Problem–Solution–Benefit, a chronological structure like Past–Present–Future, or a comparative structure like Comparison–Contrast–Conclusion. (Page 96)

I just love What–So What–Now What. It’s my favorite structure of all time on account of its simplicity and versatility. You start by discussing an idea, topic, product, service, or argument (What). Then you explain why it’s important, helpful, or useful—why it matters and is relevant (So What). You end with what your audience should do from here with this knowledge— how they might apply it, what actions they should take, and so on (Now What). (Page 97)

What–So What–Now What works wonders when giving a spontaneous presentation, answering a question in a job interview, giving a piece of feedback—you name it. If you go back and review this chapter, you’ll find that I used What–So What–Now What as my organizing schema. After a brief opening, I first described how to define structure (What), then talked about its benefits (So What), and I am now in the midst of talking about how to apply it to what we currently care about, spontaneous speaking (Now What). I think of What–So What–Now What as the Swiss Army knife (Page 97)

of structures. If you only have time to study and remember one structure, make it this one. (Page 98)

Leverage a generative AI tool like ChatGPT to give you a prompt that you can then use to create a response of your own, using the What–So What–Now What formula as your structure. (Page 99)

At the end of the week, review your journal entries to look for patterns. You might notice, for instance, that you’re better spontaneously structuring your communication at certain times of day, when you’re with certain colleagues, or in certain settings. Think about why that might be, and what adjustments you might make to create more of the optimal circumstances for your next important conversation. (Page 100)

I’ve emphasized What–So What–Now What, but you can practice structuring your communications using any of the formulas presented in this book as well as others you might find elsewhere. Don’t feel compelled to study and practice every last structure you come upon—it’s not necessary. Focus on mastering two or three structures that work for you depending on the situations in which you most often find yourself speaking impromptu. You might keep one or two generic structures like What–So What–Now What or Problem–Solution–Benefit in your back pocket for use in a range of situations, adding a couple of more context-specific structures that you think you’ll use frequently. (Page 100)

Dunn is hardly the only communications expert who emphasizes the importance of preparation when it comes to spontaneous speaking. Raymond Nasr notes that he counsels his clients to “stockpile stories” in advance, thinking about memorable anecdotes that they can use in certain circumstances. The point, he observes, isn’t to memorize these stories word for word but just to have a “catalog of certain stories” that they can call (Page 101)

upon in high-pressure situations Some of the most prominent tech executives Nasr has worked with had a set of stories at their disposal to use as necessary as the occasion demanded. One high-profile leader Nasr worked with wasn’t a natural speaker but improved with training. Developing a reservoir of stories from his own life and about famous historical figures “gave him comfort because he could just push rewind and play and he knew it would go over well.” (Page 102)

Chapter 6: Focus THE F-WORD OF SPONTANEOUS SPEAKING (Page 104)

Dimension #1—Precision: “Um, What’s the Point Exactly?” Bottom Line: Have a clear goal—know, feel, do. (Page 106)

One study found that customers who were “fully connected” to companies on an emotional level were over 50 percent more valuable to them in economic terms than those who just felt “highly satisfied” with their products. (Page 106)

To improve your ability to speak spontaneously, you would do well to first clarify your goals in your own mind. If you’re about to enter a situation (Page 107)

where you think you might speak spontaneously, spend a few minutes jotting down answers to three questions: What do you want people to know? What do you want them to feel? What do you want them to do? (Page 108)

Dimension #2—Relevance: “Why Should I Care?” Bottom Line: Focus on importance and salience for your audience. (Page 108)

To sell in a selfless way, you must first strive to understand customers and their concerns. “Take time to listen carefully and understand what customers perceive their need to be,” Koch counsels. “Until you understand people’s reasons for doing what they’re doing, you have no ability to change their beliefs and behavior. You’re just arguing, and you’re not going to win.” (Page 109)

To make your spontaneous communication more relevant, make a habit of thinking about your audiences and their needs. You can do this in the moment. If someone puts you on the spot with a question, pause for just a second and ask yourself, “Who is this person? What do they need to hear? How can I frame what I’m about to say so that it’s most relevant/interesting/urgent for them?” (Page 110)

Address the “Why should I care” question in the course of communicating and you’ll find that audiences really will care more about what you say—and they’ll pay attention to your focused message. (Page 113)

One of the most common mistakes we make in spontaneous communication is to overcommunicate. In line with the importance of listening to the room and thinking ahead about what kind of communication our audience is ready to have, many of us could stand to make our spontaneous communication more accessible. Complexity can stand in the way of some of our most important conversations. (Page 113)

You might object that the nature of your work or hobbies requires you to convey complex concepts or esoteric ideas to others. What can you do then? Just as you might take time in advance to prepare a set of stories to have in your back pocket in spontaneous situations, you might also think in advance of some key strategies to deploy in the moment to cut to the essence of an idea and render it accessible. These strategies might include clever or colorful analogies you can use by way of explanation, or if you anticipate standing in front of a whiteboard, an easy visual you might draw to convey the essence of the idea You could also chunk down your idea into a few basic, easy-to-understand concepts or steps—a strategy Kestler used in creating LitCharts. (Page 117)

From her reading of parenting books, my wife learned a mantra that she reminds me of as we’re working out issues with our kids: “Minimal words.” When I ask one of our kids to do something they don’t want to do, I tend to explain a rationale to them … and explain it … and explain it. My wife simply tells our kids what to do—“Join us at seven p.m. for dinner,” “Clean up your room”—with little or no explanation. By saying less, she finds that she creates fewer opportunities for challenges and endless discussion. Conflict situations get resolved more quickly and efficiently. Life in our household becomes more harmonious. (Page 118)

PART II Talking Smarter in Specific Situations (Page 123)

Application #1 GOING BIG ON SMALL TALK (Page 124)

With some cognitive reframing, a useful structure, and some specific guiding principles in hand, we can learn not just to survive small talk but to actually enjoy it. (Page 124)

My favorite formula to use when engaging in informal, spontaneous conversations is one we discussed in chapter 5: What–So What–Now What. First you make an argument or point (What), next you describe the (Page 124)

significance of this information (So What), and then you suggest what your audience might do given their new knowledge (Now What). This structure helps with small talk precisely because it’s general and versatile—you can use it in a wide variety of contexts and environments to help focus and clarify your remarks. Also, its final plank lends itself to asking questions of your small-talk partner, which as we’ll see will help us to project empathy and interest in our partner. Since we’ve already covered this conversational formula in chapter 5, I won’t spend too much time here explaining how it works. Let’s focus instead on how we might best apply it in chitchat. (Page 125)

Deploying What–So What–Now What can help us in two ways. First, if we seek to initiate or continue a conversation, we can simply ask these three questions to give the other person an invitation to speak. For example, we might say, “So, what did you think of the keynote speaker this morning?” (What) After the other person responds, we could follow up with another question: “How do you think the speaker’s ideas will help in the short term?” (So What) The conversation after either of these questions might veer off into unexpected and interesting directions, and we might leave What–Now What–So What behind. But if we detect the energy in the conversation dissipating, we could come back with our third question: “Do you plan to go to the meet-and-greet the speaker is holding later?” (Now What) (Page 125)

What–So What–Now What can also help if others initiate a conversation with us and we wish to move the dialogue forward. Let’s say we go to a convention for hikers and other outdoor enthusiasts and as part of the event there is a mixer. Someone comes up to us and asks what brought us there. We can respond, “Well, I have been an avid hiker for years [What]. I’m really excited to learn about the new equipment and tools they’ve got here, since I’m looking for ways to avoid getting injured and hiking farther [So What]. Do you do a lot of outdoor activities [Now What]?” (Page 125)

Although most people might want to learn about us, they’re probably even more interested in talking about themselves and feeling heard and understood by us. (Page 126)

A support response might be to empathize with your friend and ask for more detail about their neighbor’s bad behavior and how your friend handled it. (Page 126)

Some usage of shift responses is fine—others do want to learn about us, and we also don’t want to come across as too withdrawn, deflecting, or secretive. (Page 126)

As professional matchmaker and communication consultant Rachel Greenwald notes, there are many ways of doing this when it becomes our turn to speak. After our conversation partner contributes a thought or anecdote, we can say something like, “What excited you about that?” or “Wow, what happened next?” or “How did you feel when that happened?” Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they (Page 126)

said or provide deeper insight and disclosure. The more you orient yourself to supporting what someone else is saying rather than shifting the focus to your own similar experience, the easier and more natural this becomes (Page 127)

A focus on making the conversation about them and not you also helps us with two special turns that occur in conversation: initiating and exiting. To initiate a small-talk conversation, avoid being generic or using a banal start such as “How are you?” or “What do you do?” Instead, approach the initiation of a conversation as an opportunity to show curiosity about the other person and their perspective. Questions about the situation or surroundings can work well, such as “Have you ever seen so many people in blue shirts before?” or “What do you think about the number of windows in this building?” The goal is to build rapport and connection from the start, and to do so by conveying interest in the other person or your shared experience in the moment. If you’re entering a situation in which you anticipate engaging in small talk, you can think of a couple of ways to kick off a conversation while projecting warmth and curiosity prior to entering the event. (Page 127)

a better approach is to announce your departure and why you need to go but also exhibit curiosity by asking one final question that signals you’ve listened to what they’ve said and found conversing with them interesting. For example, “I’m going to check out the buffet in a minute, but I’ve loved chatting with you and just have one last question about that trip to Marrakesh you described. What was your favorite restaurant there, in case I get a chance to visit one day?” (Page 128)

Greenwald calls this the “white flag approach.” In auto racing, the grand marshal waves a white flag to designate the race’s final lap. We can do something similar when we engage in small talk by making a graceful exit which leaves our conversation partner feeling listened to and appreciated. My mother-in-law would graciously and gracefully end her chitchat by saying something along the lines of “Thank you for telling me so much that I didn’t know. I learned a lot from you. I have one more question for you before I need to go …” (Page 128)

Tip #1: Seek Comparable Levels of Self-Disclosure (Page 128)

Greenwald suggests aiming for a three-to-one ratio of support versus shift (Page 128)

responses. In asking questions of others, we should be sure to provide meaningful and informative answers about our own lives when asked. (Page 129)

Tip #2: Avoid Putting Your Partner on the Spot (Page 129)

Tip #3: Be a Team Player (Page 130)

As you can imagine, this second approach is more conducive to building relationships with others. It’s also less stressful and more fun for us, as we no longer feel so lonely and pressured to “win.” But if small talk is a team sport, we have to do our part. As we go back and forth taking turns, we should focus on making life easier for our partners by setting them up to succeed in their next turn. To the extent we can, we should try to point to transitions between topics and remind our partners of the broader logic and history of the conversation. (Page 130)

Tip #4: Avoid Swiping Left Too Soon (Page 131)

Tip #5: Minimize Your Chances of Offending Others by Reflecting, Questioning, and Paraphrasing (Page 131)

This doesn’t mean you should bury your own views in order to keep the peace; the point is to approach each conversation as an opportunity to build rapport and find common ground with your small-talk partner. (Page 132)

First, as you begin a small-talk encounter, avoid making any assumptions about views that your audience may or may not hold. Before introducing or weighing in on a new topic, listen to what others are saying, gauging the substance of their ideas, the details they’re bringing to bear, and their tone of voice. (Page 132)

Application #2 TOASTS THAT TANTALIZE (AND TRIBUTES AND INTRODUCTIONS, TOO) (Page 136)

Application #3 MAKE THAT (IM)PERFECT PITCH (Page 144)

Application #4 ROCKING THE Q&A (Page 154)

Application #5 FEEDBACK THAT DOESN’T FLOP (Page 164)

Application #6 THE SECRETS TO SAYING WE’RE SORRY (Page 173)