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Getting Past No

William Ury

Book Cover

My Summary

Main Ideas, Takeaways & Similarities

Questions

I. What is the problem?
A. How is this problem formulated?
B. Why is this problem important?
C. What is the history of this problem?
D. Which prominent personalities have been interested in this problem?

II. What solutions to the problem are there?
A. What are the conclusions reached?
B. By what argument(s) is the conclusion reached?
C. What facts or assumptions serve as premises?
D. When a prominent personality offers a solution, does he also argue for or against other prominent personalities? Does he raise objections to alternative solutions? Does he consider objections to his own solutions?

III. Evaluation
A. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the alternative formulations to the problem?
B. Has the importance or history of the problem ever been misrepresented?
C. Are the solutions logically related to the premises?
D. Are the facts true? Are the assumptions acceptable? Are the objections answerable?

AI Summary

Highlights

Summary

William Ury’s Getting Past No offers a practical five-step strategy for negotiating effectively with difficult or uncooperative individuals. Building on your highlights, here’s a comprehensive summary that fills in the gaps and reinforces the core principles:

The Five Barriers to Agreement

Ury identifies five common obstacles that hinder successful negotiation:

  1. Your Reaction: Emotional responses like striking back, giving in, or walking away can escalate conflicts.
  2. Their Emotion: Negative emotions such as anger or fear can cloud judgment and impede cooperation.
  3. Their Position: A rigid stance focused on positions rather than underlying interests can stall progress.
  4. Their Dissatisfaction: Concerns about losing face or appearing weak may prevent agreement.
  5. Their Power: A belief that they can achieve better outcomes without negotiating can lead to impasse.

The Breakthrough Strategy: Five Steps to Overcome Barriers

  1. Go to the Balcony: Pause and detach emotionally to gain perspective. This mental “balcony” allows you to stay focused on your goals without reacting impulsively.

  2. Step to Their Side: Disarm the opposition by actively listening, acknowledging their points, and showing empathy. This approach fosters a collaborative atmosphere.

  3. Reframe: Shift the conversation from positions to interests. Ask open-ended questions like “Why is that important to you?” to uncover underlying concerns and explore mutual gains.

  4. Build Them a Golden Bridge: Facilitate a face-saving path for the other party to agree. Involve them in crafting the solution, address their intangible needs, and allow them to present the outcome as a victory.

  5. Use Power to Educate: If resistance persists, demonstrate the consequences of not reaching an agreement by revealing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). Use this power not to coerce but to guide them toward a mutually beneficial solution.

Key Principles and Techniques

  • Prepare Thoroughly: Before negotiations, identify your interests, options, standards, alternatives, and proposals. Rehearse your approach and anticipate potential tactics from the other side.

  • Manage Emotions: Recognize and control your emotional triggers. Avoid reacting to provocations and maintain composure to prevent escalation.

  • Communicate Effectively: Use “I” statements to express your views without blaming. Replace “but” with “yes, and” to build on the other party’s ideas.

  • Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Delve into the underlying needs and concerns driving each party’s stance. This focus enables creative solutions that satisfy both sides.

  • Facilitate Face-Saving: Allow the other party to retreat from their position without embarrassment. Highlight changing circumstances or mutual benefits to ease the transition.

  • Employ Strategic Patience: Avoid rushing to agreement. Allow time for reflection and gradual progress to build trust and consensus.

By applying these strategies, negotiators can transform adversarial interactions into cooperative problem-solving endeavors, leading to outcomes that respect the interests of all parties involved.

Highlights

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. —Daniele Vare, Italian diplomat (Location 108)

If we are “soft” in order to preserve the relationship, we end up giving up our position. If we are “hard” in order to win our position, we strain the relationship or perhaps lose it altogether. (Location 138)

soft on the people, hard on the problem. (Location 141)

In short, you turn face-to-face confrontation into side-by-side problem-solving. (Location 142)

Joint problem-solving revolves around interests instead of positions. You begin by identifying each side’s (Location 144)

interests—the concerns, needs, fears, and desires that underlie and motivate your opposing positions. You then explore different options for meeting those interests. Your goal is to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement in an efficient and amicable fashion. (Location 145)

Joint problem-solving can generate better results for both sides. It saves time and energy by cutting out the posturing. And it usually leads to better working relationships and to mutual benefit in the future. (Location 152)

you may react by impulsively giving in just to end the negotiation and preserve the relationship. You lose and, having demonstrated your weakness, you expose yourself to exploitation by others. (Location 164)

The barrier in the way is the other side’s positional behavior: their habit of digging into a position and trying to get you to give in. Often they know no other way to negotiate. They are merely using the conventional negotiating tactics they first learned in the sand-box. In their eyes, the only alternative is for them to give in—and they certainly don’t want to do that. (Location 172)

It is easy to believe that stonewalling, attacks, and tricks are just part of the other side’s basic nature, and that there is little you can do to change such difficult behavior. But you can affect this behavior if you can deal successfully with its underlying motivations. (Location 183)

The essence of the breakthrough strategy is indirect action. It requires you to do the opposite of what you naturally feel like doing in difficult situations. When the other side stonewalls or attacks, you may feel like responding in kind. Confronted with hostility, you may argue. Confronted with unreasonable positions, you may reject. Confronted with intransigence, you may push. Confronted with aggression, you may escalate. But this just leaves you frustrated, playing the other side’s game by their rules. Your single greatest opportunity as a negotiator is to change the game. Instead of playing their way, let them have your way—the way of joint problem-solving. (Location 194)

you need to avoid pitting your strength directly against your opponent’s. Since efforts to break down the other side’s resistance usually only increase it, you try to go around their resistance. (Location 203)

Step One. Since the first barrier is your natural reaction, the first step involves suspending that reaction. To engage in joint problem-solving, you need to regain your mental balance and stay focused on achieving what you want. (Location 212)

Step Two. The next barrier for you to overcome is the other side’s negative emotions—their defensiveness, fear, suspicion, and hostility. (Location 216)

Just as you’ve regained your mental balance, you need to help the other side regain theirs. (Location 217)

Step Three. (Location 222)

Accept whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. For example, take their position and probe behind it: “Tell me more. Help me understand why you want that.” Act as if they were your partners genuinely interested in solving the problem. The third step in the breakthrough strategy is to Reframe. (Location 224)

Step Four. (Location 228)

You need to bridge the gap between their interests and yours. You need to help them save face and make the outcome look like a victory for them. The fourth step is to Build Them a Golden Bridge. (Location 231)

Step Five. (Location 233)

Show them that they cannot win by themselves but only together with you. The fifth step is to Use Power to Educate. (Location 236)

Before every meeting, prepare. After every meeting, assess your progress, adapt your strategy, and prepare again. The secret of effective negotiation is that simple: prepare, prepare, prepare. (Location 261)

There are five important points along the way to a mutually satisfactory agreement: interests, options for satisfying those interests, standards for resolving differences fairly, alternatives to negotiation, and proposals for agreement. (Location 275)

“You know, Bill, it has taken me twenty-five years to unlearn what I learned at Harvard Law School. Because what I learned at Harvard Law School is that all that counts in life are the facts—who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s taken me twenty-five years to learn that just as important as the facts, if not more important, are people’s perceptions of those facts. Unless you understand their perspective, you’re never going to be effective at making deals or settling disputes.” (Location 297)

If you are (Location 301)

trying to change their thinking, you need to begin by understanding what their thinking is. (Location 301)

Effective negotiators do not just divvy up a fixed pie. They first explore how to expand the pie. (Location 310)

A common mistake in negotiation is to dwell on a single solution, your original position. By opening yourself up to consideration of a multitude of options, you may generate new possibilities, one of which might meet your interests while also satisfying the other side’s. (Location 316)

Invent first, evaluate later. (Location 320)

Successful negotiators head off a contest of wills by turning the selection process into a joint search for a fair and mutually satisfactory solution. (Location 329)

All too often people go into a negotiation looking for agreement and examine their alternatives only if things go badly. This is a classic mistake. Knowing what your alternatives are can determine your success in satisfying your interests. (Location 337)

The purpose of negotiation is to explore whether you can satisfy your interests better through an agreement than you could by pursuing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). (Location 340)

BATNA is the key to negotiating power. Your power depends less on whether you are bigger, stronger, more senior, or richer than the other person than on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, then you have leverage in the negotiation. The better your BATNA, the more power you have. (Location 347)

Perhaps your BATNA is better than any agreement you could reach with the other person. (Location 369)

To formulate a solid proposal, you want to select an option that satisfies your interests well, certainly better than your BATNA could. (Location 387)

“What agreement do I aspire to? What would genuinely satisfy my interests and at the same time meet enough of the other side’s basic concerns that there is at least a chance that they would agree?” (Location 396)

“What agreement, perhaps far from perfect, would still satisfy my basic interests sufficiently that I would be reasonably content?” (Location 399)

In your session, consider rehearsing what you will say to the other side and how you will respond to what they say. (Location 412)

Anticipate what tactics the other side may try and think in advance of how best to respond. (Location 419)

Action provokes reaction, reaction provokes counterreaction, and on it goes in an endless argument. (Location 455)

Human beings are reaction machines. The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult situation is to react—to act without thinking. (Location 458)

Striking back rarely advances your immediate interests and usually damages your long-term relationships. Even if you do win the battle, you may lose the war. (Location 472)

The other problem with striking back is that people who play hardball are usually very good at it. They may actually be hoping that you are going to attack them. If you do, you put yourself on their home turf, playing the game the way they like to play it. (Location 473)

The opposite of striking back is giving in. The other side may succeed in making you feel so uncomfortable with the negotiation that you give in just to be done with it. They pressure you, implying that you are the one who is blocking agreement. (Location 476)

A third common reaction is to break off relations with the difficult person or organization. (Location 492)

By reacting, you become part of the problem. Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to tangle. (Location 515)

the good news is that you have the power to break the cycle at any time—unilaterally. How? By not reacting. (Location 517)

Imagine you are negotiating on a stage and then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage. (Location 524)

“no authority” ploy, in which the other side misleads you into believing they have the authority to decide the issue, only to inform you after you have given up as much as you can that in fact someone else must decide. A third trick is the “add on,” the (Location 565)

last-minute additional demand that comes after your opponent has led you to believe you have already reached agreement. (Location 567)

Successful negotiators learn that appearing a little obtuse can be a negotiating advantage. It allows you to slow down the discussion. You need not pretend to be stupid. Simply ask for some clarification: (Location 665)

You might be afraid that calling for a break will be interpreted as a sign of indecisiveness or weakness, as if you couldn’t take the heat. The solution is to find a natural excuse. (Location 672)

Never make an important decision on the spot. Go to the balcony and make it there. (Location 688)

Don’t let yourself be hurried. If the other side sets a deadline, don’t hesitate to test it by adjourning the meeting. If they are serious about the deadline, they will let you know. (Location 698)

In sum, the most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult person or situation is to react. It is also the biggest mistake you can make. (Location 701)

The mistake, a common one, is in trying to reason with a person who is not receptive. (Location 727)

The secret of disarming is surprise. To disarm the other side, you need to do the opposite of what they expect. If they are stonewalling, they expect you to apply pressure; if they are attacking, they expect you to resist. (Location 735)

Stepping to their side means doing three things: listening, acknowledging, agreeing. Listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge their point, their feelings, and their competence and status. And agree with them wherever you can. (Location 740)

Listening to someone may be the cheapest concession you can make. We all feel a deep need to be understood. By satisfying that need, you can help turn the negotiation around. (Location 756)

People derive genuine satisfaction from voicing their feelings and resentments. (Location 775)

effective negotiators listen far more than (Location 779)

they talk. (Location 779)

acknowledge their point. (Location 797)

Acknowledging the other person’s point does not mean (Location 799)

that you agree with it. It means that you accept it as one valid point of view among others. (Location 800)

Don’t ignore the other side’s emotions. (Location 814)

Perhaps the most powerful form of acknowledgment is an apology. (Location 829)

“crushing” an opponent is not the right answer. We often overlook the simple power of an apology. (Location 841)

Your apology need not be meek, nor an act of self-blame. To a disgruntled customer, you could say, “I’m sorry you’ve had this problem. (Location 844)

acknowledgment reflects your strength. (Location 849)

agree wherever you can. It will be hard for them to attack someone who agrees with them. (Location 857)

Look for occasions when you can say yes to them without making a concession. (Location 876)

Don’t Say “But,” Say “Yes…And” (Location 947)

Make “I” Statements, Not “You” Statements (Location 958)

Standing up for yourself does not negate your acknowledgment. Acknowledgment from someone perceived as confident and strong is more powerful than acknowledgment from someone perceived as weak. The combination of seemingly opposite responses—acknowledging your counterpart’s views and expressing your own—is more effective than either alone. (Location 980)

Acknowledge Your Differences with Optimism (Location 988)

Since the other side’s demand seems unreasonable, your natural temptation is to reject it out of hand. You respond to their position by advancing your own. They, of course, reject your position and reassert theirs. Even if you come back with a reasonable compromise, they may interpret it as your fallback position, pocket the concession, and press you for more. Before you know it, you are once again playing their game of hardball—precisely what you wanted to avoid. (Location 1066)

Reframe it by saying, “That’s interesting. Why do you want that? Help me understand the problem you are trying to solve.” (Location 1079)

Instead of rejecting Gromyko’s position, which would have led to an argument over positions, Biden acted as if Gromyko were interested in problem-solving and asked for his advice. He reframed the conversation as a constructive discussion about how to meet the senator’s concerns and win ratification of the treaty. (Location 1096)

Reframing is one of the greatest powers you have as a negotiator. The way to change the game is to change the frame. (Location 1104)

Invite them to tell you more by asking, “Why is it that you want that?” “What is the problem?” or “What are your concerns?” Find out what really motivates them. (Location 1114)

If asking why doesn’t work, try asking why not. Propose an option and ask “Why not do it this way?” or “What would be wrong with this approach?” People reluctant to disclose their concerns usually love to criticize. (Location 1133)

Tags: orange

Ask “What If?” (Location 1149)

Ask for Their Advice (Location 1164)

Ask “What Makes That Fair?” (Location 1180)

To go around a stone wall, you can ignore it, reinterpret it, or test it. (Location 1237)

Reinterpret the stone wall as an aspiration. (Location 1242)

Instead of rejecting it, you can soften it by reinterpreting it as a target: (Location 1249)

Another way to test a stone wall without directly challenging it is to ask questions. If a car salesperson declares that the price is final, you can ask whether you could get financing or a good trade for your old car. If the salesperson begins to show flexibility, you will have determined that the price may not in fact be final. (Location 1257)

Ignore the attack. (Location 1266)

Reframe an attack on you as an attack on the problem. (Location 1276)

Reframe a personal attack as friendly. (Location 1284)

In everyday life you can reframe a personal attack as a show of concern and shift the focus back to the problem. (Location 1289)

Reframe from past wrongs to future remedies. (Location 1292)

Reframe from “you” and “me” to “we.” (Location 1301)

The toughest tactic to reframe is a trick. (Location 1310)

“Am I correct in assuming you have the authority to settle this matter?” (Location 1330)

Another common trick is the last-minute demand after you have reached agreement. Instead of challenging the demand, you can ask, “Are you suggesting that we reopen the negotiation?” If your opponent says no, you can say, (Location 1332)

“Well then, I think we should just stick with the agreement we’ve already reached.” (Location 1334)

Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across. —Sun Tzu (Location 1460)

You need to reframe a retreat from their position as an advance toward a better solution. (Location 1514)

Instead of starting from where you are, which is everyone’s natural instinct, you need to start from where the other person is in order to guide him toward an eventual agreement. (Location 1527)

“I turn towards the other person; I become familiar with his situation; I mold myself on his destiny and, living in his place, I begin to experience his fortune and misfortune. Henceforth my concern is not so much to impose my point of view on him, as to persuade him to adopt the one I consider best for him—which always agrees with the interests of my own cause.” (Location 1529)

One of the most common negotiating mistakes is to announce that you have found the solution to the problem. (Location 1536)

Negotiation is more about asking than it is about telling. (Location 1550)

Don’t Overlook Basic Human Needs (Location 1622)

Use an if-then formula. (Location 1645)

Criticism from constituents typically boils down to two arguments: that your counterpart has backed down and that the proposed agreement is unsatisfactory. Your challenge is to help your counterpart avoid both criticisms. (Location 1661)

Face-saving is at the core of the negotiation process. (Location 1663)

Building a golden bridge involves much more than making the other side an attractive proposal. First, it means involving them in crafting the agreement. Second, it means looking beyond their obvious interests, such as money, to address their more intangible needs, such as recognition or autonomy. Third, it means helping them save face as they back away from their initial position; it means finding a way for them to present the agreement to their constituents as a victory. And last, it means going slow to go fast, (Location 1786)

The key mistake we make when we feel frustrated is to abandon the problem-solving game and turn to the power game instead. (Location 1823)

“What do you think will happen if we don’t agree?” (Location 1856)

“What do you think I will do?” (Location 1862)

“What will you do?” (Location 1875)

Tags: orange

Warn, Don’t Threaten (Location 1880)

If the other side ignores your warning, you will need to take the next step: Make your power credible by demonstrating your BATNA. (Location 1906)

Use the minimum power necessary. (Location 1945)

Power is useless if it drives the other side into a corner and makes them resist you with all their might. Leaving your opponent a way out is a time-honored precept. (Location 2040)

Build in a dispute resolution procedure. (Location 2116)

Your contract should spell out exactly what will happen if one party feels the other is not living up to the terms of the agreement. (Location 2117)

Aim for Mutual Satisfaction, Not Victory (Location 2138)

ANALYTICAL TABLE OF CONTENTS I. GETTING READY Overview: Breaking Through Barriers to Cooperation Joint Problem-Solving Five Barriers to Cooperation Your reaction Their emotion Their position Their dissatisfaction Their power The Breakthrough Strategy Prologue: Prepare, Prepare, Prepare Mapping Out the Way to Agreement 1. Interests (Location 2338)

Figure out your interests Figure out their interests 2. Options 3. Standards 4. Alternatives Identify your BATNA Boost your BATNA Decide if you should negotiate Identify their BATNA 5. Proposals What do you aspire to? What would you be content with? What could you live with? Rehearse Preparing to Navigate   II. USING THE BREAKTHROUGH STRATEGY 1. Don’t React: GO TO THE BALCONY Three Natural Reactions Striking back (Location 2346)

Giving in Breaking off The Dangers of Reacting Go to the Balcony Name the Game Three kinds of tactics Stone walls Attacks Tricks Recognize the tactic Know your hot buttons Buy Time to Think Pause and say nothing Rewind the tape Take a time-out Don’t make important decisions on the spot Don’t Get Mad, Don’t Get Even, Get What You… (Location 2353)

Paraphrase and ask for corrections Acknowledge Their Point Acknowledge their feelings Offer an apology Project confidence Agree Wherever You Can Agree without conceding Accumulate yeses Tune in to their wavelength Acknowledge the Person Acknowledge their authority and competence Build a working relationship Express Your Views—Without Provoking Don’t say “but,” say “yes…and” Make “I” statements, not “you” statements Stand up for yourself Acknowledge your differences… (Location 2365)

Ask Problem-Solving Questions Ask “Why?” Ask “Why not?” Ask “What if?” Ask for their advice Ask “What makes that fair?” Make your questions open-ended Tap the power of silence Reframe Tactics Go around stone walls Ignore the stone wall Reinterpret the stone wall as an aspiration Take the stone wall seriously, but test it Deflect attacks Ignore the attack Reframe an attack on you as an attack on the problem Reframe a personal attack as friendly Reframe from past wrongs… (Location 2377)

Turn the trick to your advantage Negotiate About the Rules of the Game Bring it up Negotiate about the negotiation The Turning Point 4. Don’t Push: BUILD THEM A GOLDEN BRIDGE Obstacles to Agreement Not their idea Unmet interests Fear of losing face Too much too fast Build a Golden Bridge Involve the Other Side Ask for and build on their ideas Ask for constructive criticism Offer them… (Location 2393)

Don’t assume a fixed pie Look for low-cost, high-benefit trades Use an if-then formula Help Them Save Face Help them back away without backing down Show how circumstances have changed Ask for a third-party recommendation Point to a standard of fairness Help write their victory speech Go Slow to Go Fast Guide them step by step Don’t ask for a final commitment until the end Don’t rush to the finish Across the Bridge 5. Don’t Escalate: USE POWER TO EDUCATE Use Power to Educate Let Them Know the… (Location 2404)

“What will you do?” Warn, don’t threaten Demonstrate your BATNA Use Your BATNA, Defuse Their Reaction Deploy your BATNA without provoking Use the minimum power necessary Use legitimate means Neutralize their attacks Tap the third force Build a coalition Use third parties to stop attacks Use third parties to promote negotiation Keep Sharpening Their Choice Let them know they have a way out Let them choose Even when you can win, negotiate Forge a Lasting Agreement Keep implementation in mind Design the deal… (Location 2419)

III. TURNING ADVERSARIES INTO PARTNERS Conclusion: TURNING ADVERSARIES INTO PARTNERS A Salary Negotiation A Hostage Negotiation The Five Steps of Breakthrough Negotiation 1. Go to the balcony 2. Step to their side 3. Reframe 4. Build them a… (Location 2434)