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How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

Joanna Faber, Julie King

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AI Summary

Part I: The Essential Toolbox

  • Chapter 1: Tools for Handling Emotions
    • Children cannot behave right when they don’t feel right, so it’s important to address their feelings first before expecting cooperation.
    • Use tools like acknowledging feelings with words, writing, art, giving in fantasy what you cannot give in reality, and silent attention to help children process their emotions.
    • Avoid denying, minimizing, or lecturing about children’s negative feelings, as it can lead to resistance and escalation.
  • Chapter 2: Tools for Engaging Cooperation
    • Direct orders and commands often provoke resistance in children, so use alternative tools to engage their cooperation.
    • Tools include being playful, offering choices, putting the child in charge, giving information instead of commands, using single words or gestures, describing what you see, describing how you feel, writing notes, and taking action without insult.
    • These tools help children develop self-control and cooperation without feeling controlled or ordered around.
  • Chapter 3: Tools for Resolving Conflict
    • Punishment and consequences are often ineffective in changing behavior and can have negative side effects.
    • Instead, use tools like expressing feelings strongly, helping the child make amends, offering choices, taking action to protect without insult, and problem-solving.
    • Problem-solving involves acknowledging feelings, describing the problem, asking for ideas, evaluating solutions, and trying them out. It helps children learn to resolve conflicts peacefully.
  • Chapter 4: Tools for Praise and Appreciation

    Praise and Appreciation

    • Not all praise is equal - the way we praise makes a difference
    • Evaluative praise like “You’re great!” can make kids focus on weaknesses, doubt sincerity, feel dismissed, or feel threatened
    • Spontaneous praise can disrupt a child’s concentration on a task

    Tools for Effective Praise

    1. Describe What You See

    • Instead of evaluating, simply describe the specific actions or effort you notice
    • E.g. “I see you picked up all the toys” instead of “Good job!“

    2. Describe the Effect on Others

    • Describe how the child’s actions helped or impacted others positively
    • E.g. “You helped Johnny zip his coat. Now he’ll be warm outside.”

    3. Describe Effort

    • Praise the effort and process, not the child’s traits or abilities
    • This encourages perseverance when facing challenges

    4. Describe Progress

    • Note improvements and steps forward
    • E.g. “You’re getting closer to the basket each time!”

    Benefits of Descriptive Praise

    • Helps children appreciate their own efforts and progress
    • Encourages them to take on new challenges
    • Builds confidence by focusing on what they can control (effort)
    • Avoids creating pressure to keep up an image of being “smart” or “talented”
  • Chapter 5: Tools for Kids Who Are Differently Wired

    Tools for Kids Who Are Differently Wired

    • Some children are particularly sensitive, rambunctious, strong-willed, or diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder or sensory processing disorder
    • They can have outsized reactions to ordinary experiences like sounds, lights, touch, etc. or be underresponsive
    • Before trying to engage cooperation or solve problems, the key is to first connect with these children

    Tool 1: Join Them in Their World

    • Get down on their level and engage in whatever activity/interest they are focused on
    • Add your own participation (e.g. make finger shadows, talk about train schedules, bang objects together)

    Tool 2: Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing

    • Try to understand their perspective and sensory experiences that may be causing distress
    • Provide empathy by acknowledging how an ordinary situation could feel overwhelming to them

    Tool 3: Put into Words What Kids Want to Say

    • Verbalize and validate the feelings/desires they are struggling to express
    • This helps them feel understood and calmer, even if you can’t give them what they want

    Tool 4: Adjust Expectations - Manage the Environment Instead

    • Avoid punishments, shaming, or forcing them into situations they aren’t developmentally ready for
    • Make accommodations and modifications to activities/environments to reduce their distress

    Tool 5: Use Alternatives to Spoken Word

    • Provide information through visuals like notes, pictures, charts, gestures, or songs
    • This helps process information in multiple ways

    Tool 6: Tell Them What They Can Do Instead of What They Can’t

    • Redirect to an acceptable alternative behavior instead of reprimanding the undesired one
    • Reduces resistance and confusion from literal interpretations

    Tool 7: Be Playful

    • Use playfulness, games, and silliness to encourage cooperation and connection
    • Helps engage their sense of fun
    Citations:
    [1] https://ppl-ai-file-upload.s3.amazonaws.com/web/direct-files/7742445/f9838b80-3be9-4e0b-9622-41fca90e9a17/How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen - Joanna Faber pages 160 - 193.pdf
  • Chapter 5 and a Quarter: The Basics

    Key Points

    • Children’s basic needs like hunger, fatigue, and overwhelm must be addressed before communication tools can be effective.
    • Providing food or rest can instantly resolve difficult behavior when a child is hungry or overtired.
    • Children need recovery time after intense emotions like anger or fear before they can calm down and listen.
    • Adults also need recovery time when upset before addressing issues with children.
    • Avoid overwhelming children with too many demands when they are nearing their breaking point.
    • Match expectations to the child’s developmental stage and capabilities. Don’t expect behaviors they are not ready for.

    Examples

    • A child’s meltdown was resolved by giving him a snack after realizing he had not eaten all day.
    • A child’s difficult phase ended after getting him back on a regular sleep schedule after a weekend camping trip.
    • A 5-year-old was able to make amends after initially reacting with violence when overwhelmed on the school bus.
    • A 4-year-old had an epic meltdown from the cumulative stresses of a move, new school, lost caregiver, and demands like hygiene tasks.
    • Parents had unrealistic expectations taking 3-year-old twins to an all-day ski lesson.
    • A 7-year-old failed to walk the puppy as promised because he lacked the readiness for that responsibility.

Part II: The Tools in Action

The book provides 15 real-life scenarios demonstrating how parents and teachers can apply the tools from Part I to handle various challenging situations with young children, such as:

  1. Food Fights - Using choices and playfulness to engage cooperation during mealtimes.
  2. Morning Madness - Describing what you see and giving information to help children get ready and out the door.
  3. Sibling Rivalry - Acknowledging feelings and problem-solving to resolve conflicts between siblings.
  4. Shopping with Children - Giving in fantasy what you cannot give in reality to handle desires for toys and treats.
  5. Lies - Expressing feelings strongly and helping the child make amends when they are dishonest.
  6. Parents Have Feelings, Too - Describing how you feel when children’s behavior affects you.
  7. Tattling - Using silent attention and problem-solving to address tattling between siblings.
  8. Cleanup - Offering choices and being playful to engage cooperation during cleanup time.
  9. Doctor’s Orders - Acknowledging feelings and giving information to help with medical procedures.
  10. Shy Kids - Expressing feelings strongly and giving in fantasy to help shy children warm up to social situations.
  11. Little Runaways - Taking action without insult to prevent children from running away in public places.
  12. Hitting, Pinching, Poking - Helping the child make amends and problem-solving to address physical aggression.
  13. Sleep - Using writing, art, and giving in fantasy to help with bedtime routines and sleep issues.
  14. When Parents Get Angry - Describing how you feel and taking action without insult when you feel angry.
  15. Troubleshooting - Revisiting the tools when they don’t seem to be working in a particular situation.

The scenarios provide practical examples of how to apply the tools in a variety of common, challenging situations that parents and teachers face with young children.

Highlights

  • 1 | Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings (Page 15)
  • Can you see what was happening? Not only were all our conversations turning into arguments, I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions but to rely on mine instead. (Page 17)
  • You’ve just been exploring your own reactions to some fairly typical ways that people talk. Now I’d like to share with you some of my personal reactions. When I’m upset or hurting, the last thing I want to hear is advice, philosophy, psychology, or the other fellow’s point of view. That kind of talk makes me only feel worse than before. Pity leaves me feeling pitiful; questions put me on the defensive; and most infuriating of all is to hear that I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling. My overriding reaction to most of these responses is “Oh, forget it… . What’s the point of going on?” (Page 23)
  • But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem. (Page 24)
  • The process is no different for our children. They too can help themselves if they have a listening ear and an empathic response. But the language of empathy does not come naturally to us. It’s not part of our “mother tongue.” Most of us grew up having our feelings denied. To become fluent in this new language of acceptance, we have to learn and practice its methods. (Page 24)
  • TO HELP WITH FEELINGS 1. Listen with full attention. 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“ Oh” … “Mmm” … “I see.” 3. Give their feelings a name. 4. Give them their wishes in fantasy. (Page 24)
  • But more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart. (Page 34)
  • Resist the temptation to “make better” instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings. (Page 38)
  • Is it important that I always empathize with my child? (Page 45)
  • It’s his negative emotions that require our skill. That’s where we have to overcome the old temptation to ignore, deny, moralize, etc. (Page 45)
  • What’s wrong with asking a child directly, “Why do you feel that way?” (Page 45)
  • Some children can tell you why they’re frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel as they do. At other times they’re reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes their reason won’t seem good enough. (“ For that you’re crying?”) It’s much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?” It’s easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you’re feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations. (Page 46)
  • Are you saying we should let our children know we agree with their feelings? (Page 46)
  • Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged. (Page 46)
  • Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing. (Page 47)
  • If it’s so important to show my child I understand, what’s wrong with simply saying, “I understand how you feel”? (Page 47)
  • The problem with saying “I understand how you feel” is that some children just don’t believe you. They’ll answer, “No, you don’t.” But if you take the trouble to be specific (“ The first day of school can be scary—so many new things to get used to”), then the child knows you really do understand. (Page 47)
  • I know feelings should be accepted, but I find it hard to know how to react when I hear “You’re mean” or “I hate you” from my own child. If “I hate you” upsets you, you might want to let your child know, “I didn’t like what I just heard. If you’re angry about something, tell it to me in another way. Then maybe I can be helpful.” (Page 48)
  • If I accept all of my child’s feelings, won’t that give him the idea that anything he does is all right with me? I don’t want to be a permissive parent. (Page 51)
  • approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. (Page 51)
  • We found that when we accepted our children’s feelings they were more able to accept the limits we set for them. (Page 51)
  • What is the objection to giving children advice when they have a problem? (Page 51)
  • When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems. (Page 51)
  • Some children become irritated when they express an intense emotion and their parent’s response is “correct” but cool. (Page 53)
  • It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels. (Page 54)
  • Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents. (Page 54)
  • When a child tells you he’s dumb or ugly or fat, it’s not helpful to reply with “Oh, so you think you’re dumb,” or “You really feel you’re ugly.” Let’s not cooperate with him when he calls himself names. We can accept his pain without repeating the name. (Page 54)
  • 2 | Engaging Cooperation (Page 67)
  • Until now we’ve been concentrating on how parents can help children deal with their negative feelings. Now we would like to focus on helping parents deal with some of their own negative feelings. (Page 69)
  • One of the built-in frustrations of parenthood is the daily struggle to get our children to behave in ways that are acceptable to us and to society. This can be maddening, uphill work. Part of the problem lies in the conflict of needs. The adult need is for some semblance of cleanliness, order, courtesy, and routine. The children couldn’t care less. (Page 69)
  • To Engage Cooperation 1. Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem. 2. Give information. 3. Say it with a word. 4. Talk about your feelings. 5. Write a note. (Page 77)
  • It’s important to be authentic. Sounding patient when I’m feeling angry can only work against me. Not only do I fail to communicate honestly; but because I’ve been “too nice,” I wind up letting it out on my child later on. (Page 98)
  • Just because I don’t “get through” the first time doesn’t mean I should revert to the old ways. I have more than one skill at my disposal. I can use them in combination and, if necessary, in increasing intensity. (Page 98)
  • To Engage a Child’s Cooperation 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.” 2. GIVE INFORMATION. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.” 3. SAY IT WITH A WORD. “The towel!” 4. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!” 5. WRITE A NOTE. (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. (Page 102)
  • The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates, “You’re basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there’s a problem that needs attention. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly.” (Page 103)
  • Somehow words have a way of lingering long and poisonously. The worst part is that children sometimes pull out these words at a later date and use them as weapons against themselves. (Page 103)
  • What’s wrong with saying “please” to a child if you want him to do something? (Page 103)
  • But “please” lends itself best to our more relaxed moments. When we’re really upset, a gentle “please” can lead to trouble. (Page 104)
  • When you want something done immediately, it’s a good idea to speak forcefully rather than to plead. A loud, firm “Sofas are not for jumping on!” would probably stop the jumping a lot sooner. (If the youngster persists, he can always be removed—swiftly, with a sternly repeated “Sofas are not for jumping on!!”) (Page 104)
  • I. Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem. The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger-pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done. (Page 108)
  • II. Give information. What we like about giving information is that, in a sense, you’re giving the child a gift he can use forever. (Page 109)
  • III. The One-Word Statement. Many parents have told us how much they appreciate this skill. They claim it saves time, breath, and boring explanations. (Page 111)
  • Caution. Don’t use your child’s name as your one-word statement. When a child hears a disapproving, “Susie,” many times during the day, she begins to associate her name with disapproval.. (Page 111)
  • IV. Describe What You Feel. Most parents are relieved to discover that it can be helpful to share their real feelings with their children, and that it’s not necessary to be eternally patient. Children are not fragile. They’re perfectly capable of dealing with statements like: “This isn’t a good time for me to look at your composition. I’m tense and distracted. After dinner I’ll be able to give it the attention it deserves.” (Page 111)
  • V. Write a Note. Most children love receiving notes—both those who can read and those who can’t. Little ones are usually thrilled to receive a printed message from their parents. It encourages them to write or draw notes back to their parents. (Page 113)
  • 3 | Alternatives to Punishment (Page 118)
  • Alternatives to Punishment 1. Point out a way to be helpful. 2. Express strong disapproval (without attacking character). 3. State your expectations. 4. Show the child how to make amends. 5. Offer a choice. 6. Take action. 7. Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior. (Page 124)
  • To Problem-Solve Step I. Talk about the child’s feelings and needs. Step II. Talk about your feelings and needs. Step III. Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution. Step IV. Write down all ideas—without evaluating. Step V. Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on. (Page 135)
  • There is an important message built into this approach. It says, “When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.” We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies. We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them—now, while they’re at home, and in the difficult, complex world that awaits them. (Page 143)
  • Instead of Punishment 1. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS STRONGLY—WITHOUT ATTACKING CHARACTER. “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!” 2. STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.” 3. SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS. “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.” 4. OFFER A CHOICE. “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.” 5. TAKE ACTION. Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.” 6. PROBLEM-SOLVE. “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?” (Page 145)
  • “A child needs to feel our disapproval at certain times, but if our reaction is of such strength that the child feels worthless and despised for his offense, we have abused our power as parents and have created the possibility that exaggerated guilt feelings and self-hatred will play a part in this child’s personality development.” That’s why we feel that whenever possible, along with our disapproval, we should point the way toward helping a child to make amends. After his initial remorse, the child needs a chance to restore his own good feeling about himself and to see himself as a respected, responsible family member once again. As parents, we can give him that chance. Here are some examples: (Page 150)
  • “It really upsets me to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes when you gave your word they would be done. I’d like them washed and put away before bedtime!” (Instead of “You can forget about going out tomorrow night. Maybe that will teach you to keep your word.”) (Page 151)
  • Before Problem-Solving (Page 159)
  • The key word is respect—for my child, for myself, and for the unlimited possibilities of what can happen when two people of good will put their heads together. (Page 159)
  • Cautions About Each Step of the Problem-Solving Process (Page 159)
    1. Talk about the child’s feelings. (“ I imagine you must be feeling …”) (Page 159)
    1. Talk about your feelings. (“ Here’s how I feel about it.”) (Page 160)
    1. Invite the child to work on finding a mutually acceptable solution. (Page 160)
    1. Decide which ideas you like, which you don’t like, and which ideas you want to put into action. (Page 160)
    1. Follow through. (Page 160)
  • “What steps do we have to take to get this plan into motion?” “Who’ll be responsible for what?” “By when shall we have it done?” (Page 160)
    1. Don’t permit the child to blame or accuse you at any point. (Page 161)
  • 4 | Encouraging Autonomy (Page 175)
  • Yet how are we to help them become separate, independent persons? By allowing them to do things for themselves, by permitting them to wrestle with their own problems, by letting them learn from their own mistakes. (Page 175)
  • To Encourage Autonomy 1. Let children make choices. 2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. 3. Don’t ask too many questions. 4. Don’t rush to answer questions. 5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. 6. Don’t take away hope. (Page 179)
  • When I finally learned to turn over to the children the responsibilities that rightfully belonged to them, everyone’s disposition improved. Here’s what helped me: Whenever I’d feel myself starting to get agitated or involved, I’d ask myself, “Do I have any choice here? … Must I take over? … Or can I put the children in charge instead?” (Page 190)
  • It’s a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us. (Page 194)
  • To Encourage Autonomy 1. LET CHILDREN MAKE CHOICES. “Are you in the mood for your gray pants, or your red pants?” 2. SHOW RESPECT FOR A CHILD’S STRUGGLE. “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.” 3. DON’T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS. “Glad to see you. Welcome home.” 4. DON’T RUSH TO ANSWER QUESTIONS. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?” 5. ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO USE SOURCES OUTSIDE THE HOME. “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.” 6. DON’T TAKE AWAY HOPE. “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.” (Page 196)
  • I. Let Children Make Choices (Page 197)
  • If we can offer him a choice about how something is to be done, very often that choice is enough to reduce his resentment. “I can see how much you dislike this medicine. Would it be easier for you to take it with apple juice or ginger ale?” (Page 197)
  • II. Show Respect for a Child’s Struggle (Page 198)
  • Other parents complained that it was almost unbearable to stand there and watch a child struggle without offering more than just empathy. But rather than taking over and doing the job for the child, we suggest you give some useful information instead: “Sometimes it helps if you push the end of the zipper all the way down into the little case before you pull it up.” (Page 198)
  • Does this mean that we must never do for our children what they can do for themselves? We trust each parent to sense when a child is tired or in need of extra attention, or even a little babying. At certain times there is great comfort that comes from having your hair brushed or your socks pulled on for you, even though you’re perfectly capable of doing it yourself. As long as we, as parents, are aware that our basic direction is to help our children be in charge of themselves, we can comfortably enjoy “doing for them” occasionally. (Page 199)
  • III. Don’t Ask Too Many Questions (Page 199)
  • Does this mean you may never ask your child questions? Not at all. The important thing is to be sensitive to the possible effect of your questions. (Page 199)
  • IV. Don’t Rush to Answer Questions (Page 200)
  • By giving our children immediate answers, we do them no favor. It’s as if we’re doing their mental exercise for them. It’s much more helpful to children to have their questions turned back to them for further examination: “You wonder about that.” “What do you think?” We might even repeat the question. “Why can’t people just do whatever they want?” We can credit the questioner: “You’re asking an important question—one that philosophers have asked for centuries.” There needn’t be any hurry. The process of searching for the answer is as valuable as the answer itself. (Page 200)
  • More Ways to Encourage Autonomy (Page 202)
  • I. Let Her Own Her Own Body. (Page 202)
  • II. Stay Out of the Minutiae of a Child’s Life. (Page 202)
  • III. Don’t Talk About a Child in Front of Him—No Matter How Young the Child. (Page 202)
  • IV. Let a Child Answer for Himself. (Page 203)
  • V. Show Respect for Your Child’s Eventual “Readiness.” (Page 203)
  • VI. Watch Out for Too Many “Nos.” (Page 203)
  • SOME ALTERNATIVES TO (Page 204)
  • A. Give Information (and leave out the “No”): CHILD: Can I go over to Suzie’s to play now? Instead of “No, you can’t.” Give the facts: “We’re having dinner in five minutes.” With that information, a child might tell herself, “I guess I can’t go now.” (Page 204)
  • C. Describe the Problem: CHILD: Mom, can you drive me to the library now? Instead of “No, I can’t. You’ll just have to wait.” Describe the problem: “I’d like to help you out. The problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour.” D. When Possible, Substitute a “Yes” for a “No”: CHILD: Can we go to the playground? Instead of “No, you haven’t had your lunch yet.” Substitute a “Yes”: “Yes, certainly. Right after lunch.” E. Give Yourself Time to Think: CHILD: Can I sleep over at Gary’s house? Instead of “No, you slept there last week.” Give yourself a chance to think: “Let me think about it.” This little sentence accomplishes two things: It takes the edge off the child’s intensity (at least he knows his request will be seriously considered) and gives the parent time to think through her feelings. (Page 204)
  • 5 | Praise (Page 216)
  • After my first few sessions with Dr. Ginott, I began to realize why my children rejected my praise as fast as I gave it. He taught me that words that evaluate—good, beautiful, fantastic—made my children as uncomfortable as you probably felt in the exercise you just did. But, most important, I learned from him that helpful praise actually comes in two parts: 1. The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels. 2. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself. (Page 221)
  • What I personally like about this way to praise is that it’s so “doable.” It’s a matter of really looking, really listening, really noticing, and then saying aloud what you see and what you feel. One wonders how such a simple process can have such a profound effect. (Page 231)
  • Praise and Self-Esteem Instead of Evaluating (“ Good” … “Great!” … “Fantastic!”), Describe. 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE. “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.” 2. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!” 3. SUM UP THE CHILD’S PRAISEWORTHY BEHAVIOR WITH A WORD. “You sorted out your Legos, cars, and farm animals, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!” (Page 233)
    1. Make sure your praise is appropriate to your child’s age and level of ability. When a very young child is told with pleasure, “I see you’re brushing your teeth every day,” he experiences pride in his accomplishment. Were you to tell the same thing to a teenager, he might feel insulted. (Page 235)
    1. Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures: (Page 235)
    1. Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child’s desire to accomplish for herself. Sometimes parents’ continual excitement or intense pleasure in their child’s activity can be experienced by the child as pressure. A young person who gets daily doses of “You’re such a gifted pianist! You should be playing at Carnegie Hall” may think to herself, “They want it for me more than I want it for myself.” (Page 235)
    1. Be prepared for a lot of repetition of the same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively. If you don’t want him to blow the whistle five more times, then refrain from saying, “You certainly know how to make a big noise with that whistle!” If you don’t want her to climb to the top of the jungle gym, don’t tell her, “You really know how to use your climbing muscles.” There’s no doubt about it. Praise invites repetition and a great outpouring of effort. It’s potent stuff. Use it selectively. (Page 235)
    1. Last week when my son won a swimming award, I told him, “I’m not surprised. I knew all along you could do it.” He looked at me strangely. I thought I was boosting his confidence; did I say something wrong? When a parent says, “I knew all along you could do it,” he’s giving credit to his own omniscience rather than to his child’s achievements. The child might even think, “How come my father knew I’d win? I didn’t know.” It would be more helpful to the child to hear his accomplishments described: “That award represents months of practice and a lot of determination!” (Page 237)
  • Often children can use praise at the very times that we’re least likely to give it to them—when they’re not doing especially well. (Page 242)
  • A few parents found that it was even possible to use praise at the most unlikely times—when their children did something they shouldn’t. Instead of scolding the children, they inspired them to do better by reminding them of their past praiseworthy behavior. (Page 244)
  • 6 | Freeing Children from Playing Roles (Page 249)
  • All the psychology courses I had taken had warned of the dangers of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you labeled a child as a slow learner, he could begin to see himself as a slow learner. If you saw a child as mischievous, chances are he’d start showing you just how mischievous he could be. Labeling a child was to be avoided at all costs. (Page 249)
  • To Free Children from Playing Roles 1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself. 2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. 3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them. 4. Model the behavior you’d like to see. 5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments. 6. When your child behaves according to the old label, state your feelings and/ or your expectations. (Page 254)
  • Put the child in a situation where he can see himself differently. “Each member of this family seems to want to go to a different restaurant. David, maybe you can come up with an idea that could break the deadlock.” (Page 272)
  • To Free Children from Playing Roles 1. LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO SHOW THE CHILD A NEW PICTURE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF. “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!” 2. PUT CHILDREN IN SITUATIONS WHERE THEY CAN SEE THEMSELVES DIFFERENTLY. “Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?” 3. LET CHILDREN OVERHEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THEM. “He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt.” 4. MODEL THE BEHAVIOR YOU’D LIKE TO SEE. “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!” 5. BE A STOREHOUSE FOR YOUR CHILD’S SPECIAL MOMENTS. “I remember the time you …” 6. WHEN YOUR CHILD ACTS ACCORDING TO THE OLD LABEL, STATE YOUR FEELINGS AND/ OR YOUR EXPECTATIONS. “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.” (Page 274)
  • 7 | Putting It All Together (Page 284)
  • If a child just wants attention and comfort, we can just give it to him. If we don’t, he may well seek other, more annoying strategies for getting our attention! (Page 352)
  • It makes an enormous difference to a child when we accept her feelings from the get-go, without any questions. Instead of asking what’s wrong, we can simply say, “You look sad,” or “Something upset you,” or “Seems like you had a rough day.” (Page 352)
  • simple formula—acknowledge the feeling, limit the action. And throw in a choice to make it easier to move on. (Page 354)
  • These kinds of statements let your children know, without attacking them, that you respect your own feelings as well as theirs, and that you have your limits. Not only does it motivate them to cooperate and make amends, it helps teach them how to stand their ground respectfully with their own friends. In most of our relationships we don’t have the power to punish people, but we often do have the power to protect ourselves and others. (Page 364)
  • Acknowledging feelings is not the prologue; it’s the main event. All the other skills build on that foundation. Many problems evaporate without anything more. And the whole nature of the relationship is so transformed that many problems never even get started. (Page 386)