Distilled Knowledge

Source contribution

Doucleff uses observations from Maya, Inuit, and Hadzabe communities to question intensive, child-centered Western parenting. The transferable mechanisms are inclusion in useful work, calm responses, less verbal overmanagement, distributed caregiving, and autonomy inside a community of contribution.

• Young children often want to participate; repeated exclusion from meaningful work can train dependence rather than helpfulness.
• Small, real tasks create competence and family membership more effectively than praise detached from contribution.
• Lower-reactivity correction can avoid rewarding disruptive behavior with intense attention.
• Stories, modeling, natural consequences, and calm expectations may teach without constant command or anger.
• Distributed care and mixed-age interaction change the burden on both parent and child.

Routes into permanent notes

• Secure Attachment and Growing Autonomy Are Complements connects belonging to launch.
• Graduated Independence Builds Capability captures contribution and fading supervision.
• Childhood argument map retains transfer and romanticization objections.

Evidence boundary

Journalistic observation and selected cultural examples do not prove that a practice is universal, causal, or portable. Avoid treating distinct peoples as a single “ancient” model, and consider ecology, kin networks, labor, danger, and local meaning before importing a technique.

Hunt, Gather, Parent - What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us

Author: Michaeleen Doucleff
Category: Books
Genre: Parenting

💡 MAIN IDEAS, TAKEAWAYS & SIMILARITIES

• Idea of a nuclear family is new. Kids used to be raised by a community
• The stronger we respond to a child’s misbehavior—even in a negative way—the more we acknowledge that behavior and, in essence, the more we train the child to behave that way.

Summary for Chapter 4: How to Raise Helpful Kids

• Ideas to Remember (kids of all ages)
  - Children have an innate desire to help their parents. They’re born that way. It might not seem like it, but they genuinely have a built-in drive to belong to the family, and helping earns their place in the group.
  - Oftentimes, they don’t know how best to help. So they seem incapable or clumsy. The parents’ job is to train them. When first starting to help with a task, a child may seem clumsy and perhaps make a mess. But with practice, they will learn quickly while still maintaining their love for helping.
  - Never discourage a child, at any age, from helping a parent or family member. Shooing a child off can extinguish their motivation to pitch in and work together. If the task is too difficult or hazardous for them, tell them to watch. Or break the task into a doable subtask.
  • Do It Today
    • For younger kids (toddlers to about age six or seven):
      • Request a child help you and the family throughout the day. Don’t go overboard with requests. One an hour is plenty. Things to ask:
        • Go fetch something you need; carry a small bag of groceries; stir a pot on the stove; cut a vegetable; hold the door; turn on a hose.
      • Be sure the requests are for:
        • Real jobs that make a real contribution to the family, not fake or mock work.
        • Working together as a team, not for the child doing it alone.
        • Simple tasks that are easy for the child to understand and complete without your help (e.g., hand a child a book and tell them to put it on the bookshelf instead of asking them to go clean up the living room). You really can’t make the task too easy.
      • For older kids (> age seven):
      • If a child isn’t accustomed to helping, ease them into it. Try the tips above. And be patient. They might not help right away, but they’ll eventually learn.
      • If the child is already learning acomedido, increase the complexity of the task as their skill level increases. Let the child’s interest and skills drive your requests.
      • Instead of telling a child what to do directly, try activating them by indirectly alluding to a task (e.g., you could say, “The dog’s bowl is empty” to remind a child to feed the dog, or “Time to make dinner” to remind a child to come over and start pulling ingredients from the refrigerator).

Summary for Chapter 5: How to Raise Cooperative Kids

• Ideas to Remember
  • Children have a strong natural motivation to work as a team and to cooperate. Think of it as “peer pressure,” but with their family instead of their peers.
    - Child-centered activities, designed only for kids, erode this team motivation and give a child the impression that they’re exempt from family responsibilities.
    - On the flip side, when we include children in adult activities, we amplify a child’s motivation to cooperate and do what the family is doing. The child feels like a full-fledged member of the team, with both benefits and responsibilities.
    - Children will often misbehave when they have to move from the child’s world (including child entertainment) to the adult world.
    - In the vast majority of cultures around the world, parents do not constantly stimulate and entertain children. This mode of parenting can be exhausting and stressful for both a child and a parent.
    - Children do not need this entertainment or stimulation. They are fully equipped to self-entertain and occupy themselves. They can do all of that on their own with very little input from a parent or devices in the home.
    • Do It Today
      • For all children:
        • Minimize child-centered activities. Be sure children have access to your life and work. Be sure they’re around while you do chores or other adult activities. Your activities are more than enough entertainment and stimulation.
        • Minimize distractions such as screens and toys. The fewer “entertainment” items a child has, the more attractive your world becomes and the more likely they’ll be interested in helping and being with you.
        • Maximize exposure to the adult world. Go about your business and bring the child with you. Take them on errands, appointments, visits with friends, and even to your workplace, as much as possible.
        • On the weekends, choose activities that you want to do—activities you would do even if you didn’t have children. Go fishing, hiking, or biking. Work in the garden. Go to the beach or park. Visit friends.
      • For older kids (> age seven):
        • Let an older child plan and organize their own child-centered activities (e.g., sports, music and art classes, other after-school activities, playdates). Encourage them to handle the logistics themselves, such as sign-ups, transportation, et cetera.
        • Slowly ramp up a child’s responsibilities in the house, including increasing the care of younger siblings and contributions to cooking and cleaning. Think of ways they can help you at work.
        • If an older child has had little exposure to the adult world, introduce them by degrees. Go about your business and bring the child with you. If the child misbehaves, explain to them how they need to act in the adult world.
        • If the child is still disruptive, be patient. Don’t give up. Try again later. They’ll learn.

Summary for Chapter 6: How to Motivate Children

• Ideas to Remember
  - To motivate a child without bribes or threats, the child needs to feel:
  - Connected to you or another person close to the child.
  - Like they are making the choice to do the task and no one is forcing them.
  - Like they are competent and that their contribution will be valued.
  - Praise can undermine motivation and generate competition (and strife) between siblings. Parents can learn quite a lot from a child. Knowledge can flow in both directions. Don’t assume your approach or vision is the best. When you pay attention to a child’s vision or ideas, you’ll likely find the child often has valuable and useful information.
  - Accepting a child’s knowledge, idea, or contribution is a potent way to motivate the child.
  • Do It Today
    • For children of all ages:
      • Resist the urge to correct a child, especially when they’re pitching in or helping the family. Step back and let a child perform a task without interfering, even if the child isn’t executing the task as you wish or taking the optimal approach.
      • If a child is resisting a request (e.g., to help with the dishes), you’re likely forcing the issue too hard. The child knows what you want. Stop asking. Wait and let the child take the lead.
      • Pay close attention to how a child is trying to contribute and then build off their ideas instead of resisting them.
      • Help a child learn a task by letting them practice that task instead of lecturing or explaining the task to them. Offer simple course corrections, sparingly, while the child takes action.
      • Accept a child’s contribution to an activity even if it isn’t what you expect or want.
      • Use praise very sparingly. When you do praise, attach it to learning an overall value (e.g., “You are starting to learn to be helpful”) or to maturity (e.g., “You are really becoming a big girl”).

Summary for Chapters 8 and 9: How to Teach a Child to Control Their Anger

• Ideas to Remember
  - Anger
  - Anger toward a child is unproductive. It generates conflict, builds tension, and stops communication.
  - When a parent frequently yells and screams at a child, the child will eventually stop listening to the parent.
  - Parents and children can easily fall into a cycle of anger, in which the parent’s anger generates anger in the child, which in turn triggers more anger in the parent.
  - You can stop this cycle by responding to the child with kindness and calmness.
  - Anger control
  - We often overestimate children’s emotional intelligence.
  - Anger control is a skill children learn over time with practice and modeling.
  - To help a child learn anger control, the best thing you can do is control your own anger in front of the child.
  - Every time we yell at a child, we teach them to yell and act in anger when they’re upset or have a problem. The child practices being angry and yelling.
  - Every time we respond to an upset child with calmness and quiet, we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves. We give the child an opportunity to practice settling themselves down.
  - Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way.
  - Tips and Tools
  - When you feel anger toward a child, stay quiet and wait for the anger to pass. If you speak, a child will feel your anger. So, best to stay silent.
  - If you can’t control your anger, walk away or distance yourself from the child. Return when you are calm.
  - Teach yourself to have less (or even no) anger toward children.
  - Change how you view children’s behavior. Expect young children to misbehave and cause problems. They aren’t pushing your buttons or trying to manipulate you. They’re simply irrational beings who haven’t learned proper behavior yet. You have to teach them. (Their misbehavior doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.) Never argue (or even negotiate) with a child. Arguing gives the child practice at arguing while you model the behavior yourself. If you start arguing with a child, stop talking and walk away.
  - Stop forcing children to do things. Forcing causes conflict, erodes communication, and builds anger (on both sides). Use the tools in the next chapter to encourage proper behavior instead of forcing it.
  • Summary for Chapter 10: Tools for Changing Behavior
    • Ideas to Remember
      • American parents tend to rely on verbal instruction and explanations to change children’s behavior. But words are often the least effective way to communicate with children, especially young children.
      • Children’s emotions mirror our emotions.
        • If you want your child to be calm, be quiet and gentle. Use few or no words (which are stimulating).
        • If you want your child to be loud and have high energy, have high energy yourself. Use many words.
      • Commands and lectures often cause power struggles, negotiations, and cycles of anger.
      • We can break out of the anger cycle and power struggles by using nonverbal tools or by helping the child to think instead of telling them what to do.
    • Tips and Tools
      • Taming tantrums. Tantrums go away if we respond to a child with calmness. Next time a child has an emotional outburst, stay quiet and try one of these tools:
        • Energy. In the calmest, lowest-energy state possible, simply stand near the child, silently, and show them that you are close by, supporting them.
        • Physicality. Reach out and gently touch the child on the shoulder or offer a hand. Sometimes a soft, calm touch is all a child needs to calm down.
        • Awe. Help the child replace their anger with the emotion of awe. Look around and find something beautiful. Tell the child, in the calmest, most gentle voice, “Oh wow, the moon is so beautiful tonight. Do you see it?”
        • Outside. If the child still won’t calm down, take them outside for some fresh air. Gently lead them outside or pick them up.
      • Changing behavior and transmitting values. Instead of telling the child “Don’t,” prompt the child to think and figure out the proper behavior themselves with:
        • The look. Take whatever you want to say to a misbehaving child and channel it into your facial expression. Open your eyes wide, scrunch up your nose, or shake your head. Then shoot the look over to the child.
        • Consequence puzzle. Calmly state the consequences of the child’s actions, then walk away (e.g., “You’re going to fall off and hurt yourself”).
        • Question. Instead of issuing a command or instruction, ask the child a question (e.g., “Who’s being mean to Freddie?” when a child hits a sibling, or “Who’s being disrespectful?” when a child ignores a request).
        • Responsibility. Give a misbehaving child a task to do (e.g., say to a whining child in the morning: “Come over and help me make your lunch”).
        • Action. Instead of asking a child to do a task (e.g., leave the house), just do the task yourself. The kid will follow.

Summary for Chapters 11 and 12: Sculpt Behavior with Stories and Dramas

• Ideas to Remember
  - When a child feels upset, they will have a hard time listening and learning.
  - When a child feels relaxed and safe from punishment, they are open to learning new rules and fixing mistakes.
  - If the child isn’t cooperating over an issue (e.g., doing their homework), there’s likely tension between the parent and child over the issue. Once this tension resolves, through play or a story, a child will cooperate and behave better.
  - Children love to learn through oral stories, especially when these stories include characters, experiences, and objects from their real lives. They have a natural inclination to learn this way. For example, children love to:
  - Hear about their family’s history and their parents’ childhoods.
  - Imagine objects coming to life and making mistakes.
  - Imagine ghosts, monsters, fairies, and other supernatural creatures living around them and helping them learn proper behavior.
  - Children love to learn through play. It’s how they release tension and practice proper behavior. Children love to reenact problematic behavior or mistakes and watch the consequences unfold in a fun, low-stress environment (without fear of punishment).
  • Tips and Tools
    • Instead of using lectures and adult logic to change a child’s behavior or teach them a value, wait for a calm, relaxed moment and try one of these tools:
      • Tell a story from your childhood. Explain how you and your parents handled a mistake, problem, or misbehavior. Were you punished? How did you react?
      • Put on a puppet show. Get a stuffed animal or a pair of socks to act out the consequences of the child’s behavior and how you would like them to behave. Have them play one of the characters in the show.
      • Bring the problem into the play zone. Tell the child, “I noticed we’ve been arguing a lot about homework [or whatever problem you have]. Let’s play a game about it. Who do you want to play? Me or you?” Then reenact in a fun way what happens during the argument. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate and act outrageous. The goal is to laugh and release tension built up over the issue.
      • Use a monster story. Create a monster that hides out near your house. Tell the child the monster is watching and if the child misbehaves in a particular way, the monster will come and take them away (for only a few days).
      • Bring an inanimate object to life. Have a stuffed animal, piece of clothing, or other inanimate object help you coax a child to complete a task. Have the object do the task itself (e.g., brush a stuffed animal’s teeth) or have the object ask the child to do a task (e.g., have a toothbrush ask the child to brush their teeth).

Summary for Chapter 14: How to Raise a Confident Child

• Ideas to Remember
  - Like adults, kids and toddlers don’t like to be bossed around. Children, at every age, have a natural inclination to learn autonomously without interference.
  - When we boss kids around, we undermine their confidence and self-reliance.
  - When we give children autonomy and minimize instruction to them, we send the message that they are self-sufficient and can handle problems on their own.
  - The best way to protect a child from anxiety and stress is to give them autonomy.
  - Independence and autonomy are different concepts.
  - An independent child is disconnected from others and not responsible for anyone except themselves.
  - An autonomous child governs their own actions and makes their own decisions, but they have a constant connection to their family and friends. They are expected to help, share, and be kind. They are expected to give back to the group whenever possible.
  • Tips and Tools
    • Pay attention to how frequently you instruct your child. Take out your phone and set it for twenty minutes. Count how many questions, comments, and demands you make to your child during that time.
    • Go for three commands an hour. Try to limit your verbal instructions to three per hour, especially during activities that trigger conflict and arguments (e.g., getting ready for school, getting ready for bed). Use commands only to teach children helpfulness, generosity, and other responsibilities to the family.
    • Find an autonomy zone. Identify places around your town where toddlers and kids can practice autonomy, where you can watch them from a distance and interfere minimally. Try parks and playgrounds with open spaces, grassy fields, and beaches. Bring a magazine or work and let the kids play for a few hours.
    • Make your yard and neighborhood an autonomy zone. Train your child to handle dangers around your home and neighborhood. Build an “invisible safety net” by getting to know your neighbors and their children.
    • Stop being a ventriloquist. Make it a goal to stop speaking for your child or telling them what to say. Let them answer questions directed at them, order at restaurants, decide when to say “Please” and “Thank you.” Work toward having them handle all conversations themselves, including discussions with teachers, coaches, and instructors.

Summary for Chapter 15: How to Protect Children from Depression

• Ideas to Remember
  - Babies and children are designed to be raised by many types of people. From grandparents and aunties to nannies and neighbors, they are all important.
  - This network of love and support helps the child see the world as supportive and kind, which protects them from depression and mental health problems.
  - One or two extra alloparents can make a big difference in a child’s life.
  - Other children make fantastic alloparents and tend to be better teachers and playmates than adults. Children naturally integrate play into learning and have skill levels closer to other children than adults have.
  - Deep, close friendships are likely just as important for you and your child’s health as exercising and eating healthy.
  • Tips and Tools
    • Build a network of aunts and uncles. Work together with three or four other families to share after-school care. Have each family be responsible for a day each week. This network provides emotional support for kids and breaks for parents.
    • Create MAPs (Multi-age playgroups). Encourage your child to play with kids, of all ages, around the neighborhood. Invite other families over for dinner or cocktails. Organize big neighborhood playgroups on the weekend, where kids of all ages are invited to play in your yard or at a nearby park.
    • Train up mini-alloparents. Teach older children to take care of younger siblings, starting at a young age. Connect their care to their growing maturity (e.g., “You’re helping your brother because you’re a big girl now”). Reward the child for their care by increasing their responsibility over time.
    • Value the alloparents you already have. Work together with your child to show appreciation for nannies, day care providers, teachers, and coaches. Make them thank-you notes, treats, and special meals. Treat them as valued family members. Model generosity and respect.

Summary (AI)

Here is a summary of the key points in bullet point format:

• Western parenting practices like the nuclear family, abundance of toys, constant teaching and praise are relatively new developments, not traditional wisdom
  • The isolation of the nuclear family can negatively impact mental health of parents and children who have lost the support of extended family
  • Much modern parenting advice comes from old pamphlets for foundling hospitals to industrialize infant care, not scientific studies
  • The explosion of toys stemmed from the Industrial Revolution and consumerism, not child development research; historically a lack of toys was not a disadvantage
  • In the 1960s, experts used guilt and fear to push parents to constantly stimulate and teach children
  • Overpraising to boost self-esteem became common in the 1980s-90s, but is a cultural concept, not a human universal; cultures with little praise show more confidence
  • A key value in many cultures is children knowing how to help family at the right moments without being asked, which intrinsically motivates contributing
  • To nurture helpfulness, encourage toddlers’ natural impulse to assist with chores, even if imperfectly at first, to train voluntary helping when older
  • From a young age, give kids small tasks to feel they are contributing family members; requests decrease as they mature and naturally pitch in

The book argues for shifting away from certain modern Western parenting norms and allowing children to practice helping with real household tasks from an early age to foster intrinsic helpfulness, with extended family and community historically playing a bigger role in childrearing.

SECTION 1 Weird, Wild West (Page 13)

CHAPTER 1 The WEIRDest Parents in the World (Page 15)

small Maya village in the middle of the Yucatán Peninsula. I went to report on a radio story about children’s attention spans. I had read a study suggesting that Maya children are better at paying attention than American kids in particular situations, and I wanted to learn why. (Page 15)

Alexa, not to touch the charcoal fire, she spoke in a calm voice, and her face remained relaxed. There was no sense of urgency, anxiety, or stress. And in return, her children were awesome to her. They respected her requests (for the most part). They didn’t argue or talk back. (Page 17)

Scientists hypothesize that all this exposure to boxes trains our brains to perceive the Müller-Lyer illusion in a peculiar way: When we see the two arrows, our brains take a shortcut. We subconsciously turn the two-dimensional lines on the page into the edges of three-dimensional boxes (or more specifically, drawings of edges). (Page 22)

If being a member of a culture distorts something as simple as the way we view two black lines on a page, how might our culture be influencing more complex psychological processes? What could it be doing to our parenting philosophy or to the way we view children’s behavior? What if some of the ideas we think of as “universals” when it comes to raising children are actually “optical illusions” created by our culture? (Page 23)

For starters, Western culture is relatively new at raising children. On the world parenting stage, we’re the ingenues. Many of our methods have been around for only a hundred years or so—in some cases, only a few decades. These practices have not, by any means, “stood the test of time.” (Page 24)

Take, for instance, the nuclear family. In Western culture, there’s a general belief that the ideal family structure consists of one mom, one dad, and their young children, living together under one roof. And to make that structure even more ideal, some might say, the mom stays home and devotes her full attention to childcare. That is most “traditional,” right? I Not so in the slightest. If you look around the world—and investigate human history—you’ll find that the nuclear family (and a mom whose sole job is parenting) is arguably one of the most nontraditional structures out there. For 99.9 percent of the time humans have been on earth, the nuclear family simply didn’t exist. “It’s a family structure that’s been around for a tiny pinprick in human history,” says historian John Gillis, at Rutgers University, who has been studying the evolution of Western families for more than thirty years. “It isn’t old. It isn’t traditional. It doesn’t have any real roots in the past.” (Page 25)

The nuclear family lacks key teachers in a child’s life. For hundreds of thousands of years, parenting was a multigenerational affair. Kids evolved to learn from a bunch of different people of all ages—great-grandparents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, family friends, neighbors, cousins, and all the children that tag along with them. (Page 25)

As a result, for the first time in human history, moms and dads are suddenly doing this crazy-hard thing, called parenting, all by themselves (or even solo). “The idea of two people taking care of a child by themselves, it’s just absurd. Totally absurd,” John adds. “Two people are doing all the work of what multiple people are charged to do.” (Page 26)

this isolation—this trapping our families in virtual blizzards—has probably not been so good for the mental health of parents and children. Many psychologists whom I spoke with think the erosion of the extended family is a root cause for the high rates of postpartum depression in the U.S., as well as the rising epidemic of anxiety and depression among children and teenagers. Moms, dads, and kids are simply lonely. (Page 26)

This isolation has yet another harmful repercussion: moms and dads have also lost their advisers. And we may have forgotten how important these advisers are. (Page 26)

CHAPTER 2 Why Do We Parent the Way We Do? (Page 31)

The book’s conclusion is a whopper: Much of the parenting advice out there today isn’t based on “scientific or medical studies,” or even on traditional knowledge passed down from grandmas to moms for centuries. Instead, a big chunk of it comes from centuries-old pamphlets—often written by male doctors—intended for foundling hospitals, where nurses cared for dozens, even hundreds, of abandoned babies, all at once. With these pamphlets, doctors were essentially trying to industrialize infant care. (Page 33)

No. 1: Thingamajig Apocalypse (Page 36)

In fact, there’s a strong possibility that Rosy would fare better in college, at her future job—heck, even in life, generally—without having a constant stream of new toys cluttering our home. (Page 36)

The answer has more to do with the Industrial Revolution—and burgeoning consumerism—than it does with cognitive science or child development. (Page 36)

“A lack of store-bought toys was no disadvantage,” historian Howard Chudacoff explained in his illuminating book Children at Play: An American History. (Page 37)

The end result was an explosion of toys in middle-class homes. “Good parents” no longer let children build their own toys from sheets and wood, but diligently showered them with the latest manufactured version of kites, weapons, dolls, and fake food. Toys, once thought to be completely unnecessary, were now deemed essential. And play, once considered the “devil’s workshop,” was now healthy and desirable. (Page 37)

No. 2: Learn-a-palooza (Page 38)

A chorus of authorities blamed American parents for lacking the savvy of Soviet parents, who had clearly been raising their young to surpass American children in innovation and academics—“ (Page 38)

In the 1960s, parenting experts used guilt, shame, and fear to charge American parents with a new task: stimulate, instruct, and teach children, at every moment. (Page 39)

No. 3: Praise. Praise. And More Praise (Page 39)

Praise is so ubiquitous around children today that you almost don’t notice it. But if you pay attention (and even start to count it), it’s almost unbelievable how much praise everyone showers on young children. (Page 39)

1980s and ’90s, books, magazine articles, psychologists, and pediatricians began telling parents that if they didn’t praise children, ad nauseam, something horrible would happen: we would hurt their budding self-esteem. (Page 40)

Self-esteem is a cultural creation, not a human universal. (Page 40)

Western culture is likely the only place where the concept of “self-esteem” exists—and we are definitely the only culture that requires parents to maintain and cultivate it in their children. (Page 40)

And when praise greatly outweighs criticism—when parents ignore misdeeds and shortcomings—Miller and Cho worry that parents may be making their own lives harder in the long run. They may be teaching children to be self-centered and to compete with siblings for adult praise and attention. Children may become more vulnerable to depression and anxiety as they grow into adulthood. (Page 41)

in the cultures we’ll visit in this book, the children who receive little praise show more confidence and mental strength than their American counterparts, who are steeped in praise. (Page 41)

began to feel more like the time I spent with my grandfather as a little girl: calm, quiet, less pressure to perform. (Page 42)

After a week or so with no praise, I noticed my words becoming more effective. When I did give her feedback, she was more likely to listen. The constant stream of praise and feedback had been drowning out what was actually important to me. Without the extra remarks, Rosy could more easily understand when I really needed her to listen or be cooperative. (Page 42)

One could make the same arguments about parenting. As we’ve accumulated more technologies, more products, and more psychological insights, perhaps we’ve made our jobs much harder. We expect children to be busy at every moment, to promptly obey our every request, and to reach every milestone as early as possible. We’ve revved up the treadmill of parenting ten times, and indeed, we’ve become more anxious and agitated. (Page 42)

posed those questions to psychologist Brian Nosek at the University of Virginia. He laughed a little, then made a statement I’ll never forget: “Parenting questions are some of the hardest problems out there for science. Shooting a rocket to Mars is super easy compared to these questions.” Parents are simply asking for too much from science when we want it to solve toddler tantrums or tell us how to get kids to be helpful, he said. Even in the twenty-first century, scientists just don’t have the means to answer such complex questions. (Page 44)

SECTION 2 Maya Method (Page 47)

Togetherness (Page 47)

If a child misbehaves, they need more responsibilities. (Page 47)

CHAPTER 3 The Most Helpful Kids in the World (Page 49)

This skill—of paying attention and then acting—is such an important value and goal for children that many families in Mexico have a term for it: it’s being acomedido. (Page 53)

The idea is complex: It’s not just doing a chore or task because someone told you to; it’s knowing which kind of help is appropriate at a particular moment because you’re paying attention. (Page 53)

Parents don’t need to bribe or nag because their children already feel an internal motivation to contribute. They want to help their family and want to work together as a team. (Page 54)

You see, when you transmit the value of helpfulness to a child, you get a whole bundle of fringe benefits. Kids become healthier mentally, and they also become less of a pain in the butt. Why? Because when kids learn to be helpful, they also learn to cooperate and to work together with you. (Page 54)

CHAPTER 4 How to Teach Kids to Do Chores, Voluntarily (Page 55)

“You have to teach them slowly, little by little, and eventually they will understand.” (Page 56)

If you think about it, a chore chart might actually inhibit a child from learning acomedido. Why? Because the whole goal is for children to pay attention to the world around them and learn when particular chores are needed. (Page 56)

Step 1: Value Toddlers, Inc. (Page 57)

Toddlers are born assistants. And they’re hungry to get in there and get the job done “all by myself.” Need to sweep up the kitchen? Rinse a dish? Or crack an egg? No worries. Toddlers, Inc., will be there on the double. Watch out! Here they come. (Page 58)

No one understands exactly why toddlers feel so motivated to help (or why rewards appear to diminish the impulse). But it could stem from their strong drive to be around their family and connected to their parents, siblings, and other caregivers. (Page 58)

“Doing things with other people makes them happy and is important for their emotional development.” (Page 58)

Rebeca tells me, “We have mothers tell us things like ‘I need to do a chore very quickly, and if my toddler tries to help, he makes a mess. So I’d rather do it myself than having them helping.’ ” In many instances, parents with Western backgrounds tell their toddlers to go and play while they do the chores. Or give their child a screen. If you think about it, we are telling the child not to pay attention, not to help. We are telling them, this chore is not for you. Without realizing it, we cut short a toddler’s eagerness to help, and we segregate them from useful activities. (Page 59)

Parents see this mess as an investment. If you encourage the incompetent toddler who really wants to do the dishes now, then over time, they’ll turn into the competent nine-year-old who still wants to help—and who can really make a difference. (Page 60)

Parents don’t accept every offer from a child to help—or let the child do whatever they want, willy-nilly. If the task is too advanced for the child, the parent may ignore the child’s request, or break the task into a smaller, more doable subtask. If the child begins to waste precious resources, the parent will guide the child into being more productive or tell them to leave. (Page 60)

In one Maya community in Chiapas, Mexico, parents intentionally reject young children’s offers to help in order to increase their motivation in the task. (Page 60)

Starting at a very early age, children are learning—and practicing—their place in the family. By including a toddler in a task, the parent is, in effect, telling the child, “You are a working member of the family who helps and contributes however they can.” (Page 61)

Psychologists believe that the more a young child practices helping the family, even starting as a toddler, the more likely they will grow up to be a helpful teenager for whom chores are natural. Early involvement in chores sets the child on a trajectory that leads them to helping voluntarily later in life. It transforms their role in both the family and community. They become a responsible, contributing member. (Page 61)

The key is for you, the parent, to shift how you think about the child. Encourage a child’s involvement at any age, follow the ideas in the next chapter, and before you realize it, you’ll turn a self-absorbed preteen into a dish-drying dynamo. (Page 62)

the first step to raising helpful kids can be summed up in a single phrase: Let them practice. Practice cleaning. Practice cooking. Practice washing. Let them grab the spoon from your hand and stir the pot. Let them grab the vacuum and start cleaning the rug. Let them make a bit of a mess when they are little, slightly less of a mess as they grow, and by the time they’re preteens, they will be helping to clean up your messes without you having to ask them—or even running your entire household. (Page 62)

Try It 1: Train Helpfulness (Page 63)

The tiniest little staggerer has tasks to perform—to carry water, to borrow firebrands, to fetch leaves, to stuff the pig… learning to run errands tactfully is one of the first lessons of childhood. (Page 63)

as soon as a child starts to walk, parents begin requesting their help with tiny subtasks. Over time, the child learns what needs to be done around the house. And so, the number of requests actually decreases (not increases) as the child gets older. By the time the child is a preteen, adults no longer need to make many requests because the child already knows what’s required. In fact, asking preteens to help out would almost be disrespectful. It would imply that they hadn’t matured or learned. It would imply that they were childish. (Page 64)

Babies (0 to walking) (Page 65)

“As early as the child can sit, sit him next to you while you’re working, and he can see what you’re doing,” (Page 65)

Toss out the idea that you have to “entertain” the baby with toys and other “enrichment” devices. Your daily chores are more than enough entertainment. Go about your business with the child in tow. (Page 65)

Attach her to your stomach while you sweep, vacuum, or walk around the grocery store. Include babies in every task that helps you and other members of the family. (Page 65)

Young Children (from ages 1 to about 6) (Page 66)

Think: Show, encourage, and request help (Page 66)

Show Just like with babies, make sure that young children have regular and predictable access to everyday chores. Avoid shooing them off to another room or outside to play. Instead, invite them to come over and be close to you while you work, so that they can learn by watching and occasionally pitching in. (Page 66)

Encourage If a child asks to help, let them! If the task is simple, step back and let them have a shot at it. Don’t start instructing; for small children, words are lectures—and confusing ones at that. Watch what the child does and try to build off their effort. If they start to make a big mess or big mistakes, gently guide them back into being productive. (Page 66)

If a task is too advanced—or too dangerous—for a child’s skill level, relax. Stay calm. No need to scare them. Tell the child to watch while you do the task. (Page 67)

There’s no need to go overboard with the requests: three or four a day is probably enough. (Page 67)

Go Fetch “Run and fetch me” is one of the commonest phrases heard addressed to young children in Tikopia [Solomon Islands]. (Page 68)

Hold This Holding objects while you work is another great job for kids—of all ages. Not only does it encourage them to stick around so they can learn by watching, it also frees up your hands. (Page 68)

Stir This Young children are great sous-chefs. (Page 68)

Carry This Carrying can be a family endeavor. (Page 69)

Finally… Clean, Clean, Clean Young children are the consummate cleaners. They can rinse dishes, pour soap into the dishwasher or washing machine, wipe tables, vacuum… you name it, toddlers will clean it. (Page 69)

The task should be real, and it should make a real contribution to the family. (Page 69)

Another pitfall is to give children “fake” tools, such as fake food, fake cooking equipment, or fake gardening equipment. Kids know the difference. They know they aren’t learning the “real” tasks. And they can’t contribute to a common goal when their part is “fake.” (Page 70)

The tasks should be doable (or almost). The key is to give young children tasks that are suitable for their personal skill level. (Page 70)

Never force a task. (Page 70)

If a child says no, or ignores you, leave it alone. Try again later. We’re training the child to cooperate, not to obey the parent. Part of working together is accepting a child’s preference when they choose not to help. (Page 70)

CHAPTER 5 How to Raise Flexible, Cooperative Kids (Page 76)

Step 2: Give Kids Their Team Membership Cards (Page 82)

The Maya parents don’t feel the need to constantly entertain or play with their children. They don’t provide an endless stream of videos, toys, and treasure hunts to stimulate their kids and keep them busy. In other words, Maya parents are not on the floor playing princess games or spending weekends at kiddie museums, eating ten-dollar slices of pizza. (Page 83)

Suzanne calls these activities “child-centered.” That is, they’re activities solely for kids that parents would not do if they did not have children. Maya parents don’t feel the need to schedule many, if any, of these activities, Suzanne finds. (Page 84)

Instead, the parents give their children an even richer experience, something that many Western kids do not get much of: real life. Maya parents welcome children into the adult world and give them full access to the adults’ lives, including their work. (Page 84)

Children don’t see a difference between adult work and play, says psychologist Rebeca Mejía-Arauz. “Parents don’t need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities, that’s play for kids.” And then they associate chores with a fun, positive activity. They associate it with playing. (Page 85)

But this approach has several other advantages. First, it gives parents a break. Instead of having to schedule, pay for, and participate in endless child-centered activities, parents can lead their normal lives—working or relaxing—while kids follow along, learning as they go. Rather than scheduling your life around your child, you can simply put your child into your schedule. (Page 85)

in many other cultures, moms and dads tap into another type of motivation: a child’s drive to fit in with their family and to work together as a team. To belong. (Page 85)

But in order for moms and dads to tap into this natural motivation, there’s one critical requirement: kids need to feel like they’re full-fledged, contributing members of the family. They need to feel like their contributions genuinely make a difference and matter. (Page 86)

Every time we include a child in an adult task—whether it’s something as simple as taking the garbage out or something as complex as taking them to the Yucatán for a book project—we are telling that child that they are part of something bigger than themselves. They are part of a “we.” And they are connected to the other members of this family. What they do helps or hurts others. (Page 87)

Try It 2: Train Cooperation (Page 89)

Dip Your Toe (Page 90)

Make Saturday or Sunday your family membership day. (Page 90)

everyone in the family is treated similarly and invited to all the same activities. Replace child-centered activities and child-only entertainment (including child-centered TV, YouTube, and games) with family-centered and adult activities. Focus on immersing the child in the adult world. Do chores around the house, in the yard, or at the office. Go grocery shopping together. Go to a park and have a picnic with family and friends. Go fishing. Go to the beach and read or work while your children play. Have a dinner party and get the children involved in the planning—picking out napkins, the menu, drinks, and all the good stuff. Go to a church activity designed for all ages. Or volunteer where children are welcome, such as a food bank, soup kitchen, community garden, or trail maintenance group. Throughout the day, try thinking to yourself, It’s not my job to entertain the children. It’s their job to be part of the team. (Page 90)

Take a daily time-out from entertaining and instructing your child. You’ll want to start out small, say just five minutes at a time. Then work your way up to where you can do this for a whole Saturday and Sunday. During these time-outs, just let the children be. Don’t instruct them, explain stuff to them, or give them toys (or screens) to play with. Let them figure it all out for themselves. Just go about your business and let them tag along with you. Do chores. Do work. Do nothing. Lie on the sofa and read a magazine. At first, it might be easier to try this outside of the house. So take the kids to a park and bring a book or some work to do. Sit on a bench and be quiet. If the children whine or complain that they’re bored, just ignore it. They’ll figure out a way to stimulate and entertain themselves, without you or a screen. And as their skills mature, life will become easier, quieter, and more peaceful. (Page 91)

Minimize (maybe even scrap?) all the child-centered activities. Don’t worry, your child will still partake in plenty of these activities at school and with friends and family. But make it a goal to say no to as many birthday parties, zoo trips, playdates, and “enrichment outings” as possible. Young children really don’t need these activities. (Page 92)

Maximize exposure in the adult world. Take children to places that aren’t typically thought of as “kid-friendly” but can show kids how the adult world works. Take them to the grocery store, the doctor’s office, the dentist’s office, the bank, the post office, the hardware store, the copy store—basically any place you need to go for work and family business. (Page 93)

But when she acts up, I remind her: “This is not a place to play. It is a privilege to be here, and if you aren’t a big enough girl yet, you will have to leave.” When she touches or plays with a piece of equipment, I remind her: “These aren’t toys. This is a big girl’s place where we don’t play.” (Page 93)

Use toys to teach sharing. When you go visit friends, ask your child to pick out a toy or book to give to the other family. (Page 94)

Reconsider your role as a parent and your child’s role in the family. Is your role to keep the child busy and entertained? Or is it to show them life skills and teach them how to work together with others? (Page 95)

When you invite the child to help, remember the invitation is always to work together. You’re not asking the child to perform the task alone. You can say something like “Let’s all fold this laundry together and we’ll get it finished faster.” Every task becomes an opportunity to work together and reinforce the child’s membership in the family. (Also, remember, the invitation to help is not an order. The child can say no if they want.) (Page 95)

Start training a coworker. If you really want your child to feel like a full-fledged member of the family, get them involved in your career or job. (Page 95)

TEAM 1 Introduction to TEAM Parenting: A Better Way to Be Together (Page 97)

Togetherness means letting the child hang out or tag along with you, whatever you need or want to do. You welcome the child on an errand or chore, then simply let the child do their thing. If they come over and want to help or watch, they’re allowed. But if not, that’s okay, too. The child’s in your world doing their own activities. Two individuals—the caregiver and the child—are coexisting together in the same space, but not demanding attention from each other. (Page 101)

Togetherness is easy. It’s relaxing. It flows. It’s what happens when we all stop trying to control each other’s actions and simply let each other be. (Page 102)

Summary for Chapter 5: How to Raise Cooperative Kids (Page 106)

Ideas to Remember Children have a strong natural motivation to work as a team and to cooperate. Think of it as “peer pressure,” but with their family instead of their peers. Child-centered activities, designed only for kids, erode this team motivation and give a child the impression that they’re exempt from family responsibilities. On the flip side, when we include children in adult activities, we amplify a child’s motivation to cooperate and do what the family is doing. The child feels like a full-fledged member of the team, with both benefits and responsibilities. Children will often misbehave when they have to move from the child’s world (including child entertainment) to the adult world. In the vast majority of cultures around the world, parents do not constantly stimulate and entertain children. This mode of parenting can be exhausting and stressful for both a child and a parent. Children do not need this entertainment or stimulation. They are fully equipped to self-entertain and occupy themselves. They can do all of that on their own with very little input from a parent or devices in the home. (Page 106)

Do It Today For all children: Minimize child-centered activities. Be sure children have access to your life and work. Be sure they’re around while you do chores or other adult activities. Your activities are more than enough entertainment and stimulation. Minimize distractions such as screens and toys. The fewer “entertainment” items a child has, the more attractive your world becomes and the more likely they’ll be interested in helping and being with you. Maximize exposure to the adult world. Go about your business and bring the child with you. Take them on errands, appointments, visits with friends, and even to your workplace, as much as possible. On the weekends, choose activities that you want to do—activities you would do even if you didn’t have children. Go fishing, hiking, or biking. Work in the garden. Go to the beach or park. Visit friends. (Page 106)

CHAPTER 6 Master Motivators: What’s Better Than Praise? (Page 108)

Summary for Chapter 6: How to Motivate Children Ideas to Remember To motivate a child without bribes or threats, the child needs to feel: Connected to you or another person close to the child. Like they are making the choice to do the task and no one is forcing them. Like they are competent and that their contribution will be valued. Praise can undermine motivation and generate competition (and strife) between siblings. Parents can learn quite a lot from a child. Knowledge can flow in both directions. Don’t assume your approach or vision is the best. When you pay attention to a child’s vision or ideas, you’ll likely find the child often has valuable and useful information. Accepting a child’s knowledge, idea, or contribution is a potent way to motivate the child. Do It Today For children of all ages: Resist the urge to correct a child, especially when they’re pitching in or helping the family. Step back and let a child perform a task without interfering, even if the child isn’t executing the task as you wish or taking the optimal approach. If a child is resisting a request (e.g., to help with the dishes), you’re likely forcing the issue too hard. The child knows what you want. Stop asking. Wait and let the child take the lead. Pay close attention to how a child is trying to contribute and then build off their ideas instead of resisting them. Help a child learn a task by letting them practice that task instead of lecturing or explaining the task to them. Offer simple course corrections, sparingly, while the child takes action. Accept a child’s contribution to an activity even if it isn’t what you expect or want. Use praise very sparingly. When you do praise, attach it to learning an overall value (e.g., “You are starting to learn to be helpful”) or to maturity (e.g., “You are really becoming a big girl”). (Page 124)

SECTION 3 Inuit Emotional Intelligence T Encourage A M (Page 127)

CHAPTER 7 Never in Anger (Page 129)

CHAPTER 8 How to Teach Children to Control Their Anger (Page 142)

yelling and shouting makes parenting harder because kids stop listening to you. (Page 145)

to train a child to behave in a certain way, we need two main ingredients, and a dash of a third: practice, modeling, and, if necessary, acknowledging. (Page 146)

On such matters, many of the available books fall short. I feel like they’re missing two key pieces: how to reduce your own anger toward your children, and how to discipline or change your child’s bad behavior without anger. After all, once you stop being angry, you still need to teach your child to be grateful for one freakin’ box of popsicles, or even better, to share the popsicles with the whole family. (Page 146)

CHAPTER 9 How to Stop Being Angry at Your Child (Page 148)

it’s a two-step process: 1. Stop talking. Just stay quiet. Don’t say anything. 2. Learn to have less—or even no anger toward children. (Note: I’m not talking about controlling your anger when it arises, but rather generating less anger in the first place.) (Page 150)

Step 1: Stop talking (Page 150)

Close my mouth. (Page 150)

Walk away. (Page 151)

Step 2: Learn to have less—or even no anger (Page 152)

start to see the key: these parents take a different view of young children’s actions than we do in Western culture. Inuit parents interpret children’s motivations differently. For example, in Western culture, we tend to think children are “pushing buttons” or “testing boundaries,” or even being manipulative. (Page 153)

Over and over again, Inuit elders offer three rules to help parents keep a cool head when children lose theirs: • Expect children to misbehave. Expect them to be rude, violent, and bossy. Expect them to make a mess, do tasks improperly, and sometimes be an overall pain in the butt. Don’t take it personally (or think you’re a bad parent). It’s just how children are made. And it’s your job, as the parent, to teach them how to behave acceptably and control their emotions. (Page 154)

Here in the U.S., we overestimate children’s emotional abilities. We expect children at a very young age—even eighteen months to two years old—to have well-developed executive function and to understand sophisticated emotional concepts such as respect, generosity, and self-control. And when they don’t demonstrate these qualities, we become frustrated and lose patience with them. (Page 155)

Many Inuit parents view children from an opposing perspective. They expect children to have poor executive function and poor emotional control, and they see it as their job to teach children these skills. Basically, when a child doesn’t listen or behave, the reason is simple: The child hasn’t learned that particular skill yet. And perhaps, they aren’t quite ready to learn it. So there’s no reason for a parent to get upset or angry. (Page 155)

Stop arguing with small children. Sidonie Nirlungayuk, age seventy-four, puts it quite eloquently: “Even when a child mistreats you, you don’t fight back with a young child,” she says. “Just leave the point alone. Whatever is wrong… eventually the behavior will get better.” (Page 156)

TEAM 2 Encourage, Never Force (Page 159)

Summary for Chapters 8 and 9: How to Teach a Child to Control Their Anger Ideas to Remember Anger Anger toward a child is unproductive. It generates conflict, builds tension, and stops communication. When a parent frequently yells and screams at a child, the child will eventually stop listening to the parent. Parents and children can easily fall into a cycle of anger, in which the parent’s anger generates anger in the child, which in turn triggers more anger in the parent. You can stop this cycle by responding to the child with kindness and calmness. Anger control We often overestimate children’s emotional intelligence. Anger control is a skill children learn over time with practice and modeling. To help a child learn anger control, the best thing you can do is control your own anger in front of the child. Every time we yell at a child, we teach them to yell and act in anger when they’re upset or have a problem. The child practices being angry and yelling. Every time we respond to an upset child with calmness and quiet, we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves. We give the child an opportunity to practice settling themselves down. Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way. Tips and Tools When you feel anger toward a child, stay quiet and wait for the anger to pass. If you speak, a child will feel your anger. So, best to stay silent. If you can’t control your anger, walk away or distance yourself from the child. Return when you are calm. Teach yourself to have less (or even no) anger toward children. Change how you view children’s behavior. Expect young children to misbehave and cause problems. They aren’t pushing your buttons or trying to manipulate you. They’re simply irrational beings who haven’t learned proper behavior yet. You have to teach them. (Their misbehavior doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.) Never argue (or even negotiate) with a child. Arguing gives the child practice at arguing while you model the behavior yourself. If you start arguing with a child, stop talking and walk away. Stop forcing children to do things. Forcing causes conflict, erodes communication, and builds anger (on both sides). Use the tools in the next chapter to encourage proper behavior instead of forcing it. (Page 163)

CHAPTER 10 Introduction to Parenting Tools (Page 165)

One word about these tools before we get started. At first, I made the mistake of taking these tools too literally. When you move an idea from one culture to another, the idea can change meaning. What I describe in these chapters will work best if you tailor them for your own child, family, and daily life. (Page 166)

I: Tools for Tantrums (Page 167)

Tool #1: Parent with calmness (Page 168)

Instead, the parents show the child how to be calm by being calm themselves. (Page 169)

Whenever children are upset—crying and screaming—the parents say very few words (words are stimulating). They make very few movements (movement is stimulating). And they show very little expression on their faces (again, emotion is stimulating). Parents aren’t timid or fearful. They still have a confidence about them. But they approach the child the way you might approach a butterfly on your shoulder: Gently. Slowly. Softly. (Page 169)

Why is this strategy so darn effective? It’s pretty simple: children’s emotions—and energy level—mirror those of their parents, says child psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson, who has coauthored two New York Times–bestselling parenting books. (Page 170)

Think back to that darn formula: practice + model + acknowledge = skill learned. (Page 170)

Tool #2: Parent with Touch or Toss (Physicality) (Page 172)

“Physical touch breaks the tension between a child and parent,” says psychologist Dr. Larry Cohen, who has written several parenting books, including Playful Parenting. “Children have a natural urge to cooperate. They love to please you. And when that’s not happening, it’s because they’re overloaded with tension.” (Page 174)

And for kids of all ages, physicality is more effective than lecturing, scolding, or long explanations. When children feel upset, they don’t have access to the “left” or logical side of the brain, says child psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson. During emotional outbursts, the “right side” of a child’s brain calls the shots—and the right side is all about nonverbal communication, Tina and her colleague Dr. Dan Siegel write in The Whole-Brain Child. “Our right brain cares about the big picture—the meaning and feel of an experience—and specializes in images, emotions, and personal memories.” And so, when you calmly hug a screaming two-year-old or softly touch the shoulder of a crying eight-year-old, you speak directly to the most accessible part of their brain, and in doing so, you communicate more effectively with the child. (Page 174)

In many ways, kids are hardwired to learn emotional regulation through physicality—not through verbal instruction. (Page 175)

Tool #3: Parent with Awe (Page 176)

So the more you experience awe—the more you flex this neural muscle in your brain—the easier it becomes to access this emotion in the future. When you start to feel an unproductive emotion, such as anger, you can more easily swap that negative feeling for a positive one, such as awe. When you feel annoyance, you can swap it for gratitude. (Page 177)

Thus the awe tool not only helps to stop tantrums in the moment, but it also helps reduce them in the future. (Page 177)

Tool #4: Take the Child Outside (Page 177)

Dolorosa learned the technique from her mother-in-law. “Little children get cranky when they have been inside too long,” she says. “So pack them [that is, put them in a baby carrier], go outside, and walk around a bit.” (Page 178)

The tool is as straightforward as it sounds: When a child is having a tantrum, you calmly pick them up and put them outside. You can just set them down, walk back in the house, and watch them from a window, as a Maya parent might do. (Page 178)

Tool #5: Ignore It (Page 178)

Go easy on the little ones when they lose control of their emotions. Throw out your own anger and frustration (think of that spa room) and replace it with empathy and love. Remind yourself that children don’t have the emotional skills that we adults do. We need to show them how calmness works, over and over again, before we can expect them to master the concept. (Page 180)

II: Tools for Everyday Misbehavior (Page 180)

big goal of Inuit education is to trigger thought. “Children need to think about what they’re doing. They always need to think,” says seventy-one-year-old Theresa Sikkuark. (Page 180)

we examine the next set of tools, we’ll start to understand the importance—and power—of triggering thought. With these tools, you are not telling children what to do, but instead giving them the clues they need to figure out the proper behavior on their own. In other words, you use these tools for encouraging and guiding, versus demanding and forcing. (Page 180)

Everyday Tool #1: Learn the Look (Page 181)

Take everything you want to say, every bit of emotion you feel toward the child, and channel it through your eyes, your nose, your furrowed brow—or just any part of your face. (Page 181)

Everyday Tool #2: Parent with Consequence Puzzles (Page 182)

When you tell a child “don’t” and “stop,” you assume they’ll obey the command as an automaton would: without a thought of their own. (Page 183)

Inuit parents think more highly of children than that. They believe that even young children can think for themselves—or at least they can learn to. So they give a child useful information about their behavior. They give the child a reason to think twice about continuing to do it. (Page 184)

Everyday Tool #3: Parent with Questions (Page 185)

Hadzabe): turn commands, criticisms, and feedback into questions. (Page 185)

The parents often state these questions with a half-sarcastic, half-serious tone. The questions aren’t accusatory or denigrating. They aren’t meant to make a child defensive. Instead, the questions are more like a puzzle for the child to solve, a prompt for the child to consider their actions and the potential consequences. (Page 186)

Everyday Tool #4: Parent with Responsibility (Page 187)

misbehavior is a child’s way of asking for more responsibility, more ways to contribute to the family, and more freedom. When a child breaks rules, acts demanding, or seems “willful,” their parents need to put them to work. The child is saying, “Hey, Mom, I’m underemployed over here and it doesn’t feel good.” (Page 188)

Even the most basic tasks can pull a toddler or small child out of a diva moment. (Page 189)

Everyday Tool #5: Parent Through Action, Not Words (Page 189)

They do what they want the child to do. (Page 190)

They gently help the child do what is needed. (Page 190)

They change the environment so the child does not need to change their behavior. (Page 190)

lunch. Parents don’t ask “Do you want” questions: (Page 191)

Instead, the parent just takes action. (Page 191)

I think this low-talk parenting style is a big reason kids in these cultures seem so calm. Fewer words create less resistance. Fewer words cause less stress. (Page 191)

And I can get Rosy to take action by taking action myself. (Page 192)

Everyday Tool #6: Mastering the Art of Ignoring (Page 193)

So parents can teach children which emotions aren’t valued in the home by not responding to those emotions. By contrast, responding even negatively to the emotional behavior signals to children that those emotions are important and useful. (Page 194)

The stronger we respond to a child’s misbehavior—even in a negative way—the more we acknowledge that behavior and, in essence, the more we train the child to behave that way. (Page 194)

Tags: pink

Summary for Chapter 10: Tools for Changing Behavior Ideas to Remember American parents tend to rely on verbal instruction and explanations to change children’s behavior. But words are often the least effective way to communicate with children, especially young children. Children’s emotions mirror our emotions. If you want your child to be calm, be quiet and gentle. Use few or no words (which are stimulating). If you want your child to be loud and have high energy, have high energy yourself. Use many words. Commands and lectures often cause power struggles, negotiations, and cycles of anger. We can break out of the anger cycle and power struggles by using nonverbal tools or by helping the child to think instead of telling them what to do. Tips and Tools Taming tantrums. Tantrums go away if we respond to a child with calmness. Next time a child has an emotional outburst, stay quiet and try one of these tools: Energy. In the calmest, lowest-energy state possible, simply stand near the child, silently, and show them that you are close by, supporting them. Physicality. Reach out and gently touch the child on the shoulder or offer a hand. Sometimes a soft, calm touch is all a child needs to calm down. Awe. Help the child replace their anger with the emotion of awe. Look around and find something beautiful. Tell the child, in the calmest, most gentle voice, “Oh wow, the moon is so beautiful tonight. Do you see it?” Outside. If the child still won’t calm down, take them outside for some fresh air. Gently lead them outside or pick them up. Changing behavior and transmitting values. Instead of telling the child “Don’t,” prompt the child to think and figure out the proper behavior themselves with: The look. Take whatever you want to say to a misbehaving child and channel it into your facial expression. Open your eyes wide, scrunch up your nose, or shake your head. Then shoot the look over to the child. Consequence puzzle. Calmly state the consequences of the child’s actions, then walk away (e.g., “You’re going to fall off and hurt yourself”). Question. Instead of issuing a command or instruction, ask the child a question (e.g., “Who’s being mean to Freddie?” when a child hits a sibling, or “Who’s being disrespectful?” when a child ignores a request). Responsibility. Give a misbehaving child a task to do (e.g., say to a whining child in the morning: “Come over and help me make your lunch”). Action. Instead of asking a child to do a task (e.g., leave the house), just do the task yourself. The kid will follow. (Page 199)

CHAPTER 11 Tools for Sculpting Behavior: Stories (Page 201)

In addition to transmitting important skills, stories also transmit cultural values to children. (Page 203)

Tell family history stories. (Page 208)

Make science come to life. Many ideas in biology, chemistry, and physics sound stranger than fiction—and just as interesting to young children. (Page 209)

Embrace anthropomorphism. The next time you find yourself struggling with a child or having difficulties “encouraging” a certain behavior, try this simple trick. Look around you, find the nearest inanimate object (even a shoe will do), and bring that object to life. Pretend it can talk. Have the object tell your child what you need her to do. With toddlers, I bet this trick will work nine out of ten times. (Page 210)

Sharing Monster. The Sharing Monster lives in a tree outside the kitchen window. When little kids don’t share, he grows bigger and bigger. Eventually, he could come out, snatch you, and take you up in the tree for seven whole nights. And do you know what he feeds little kids? Nothing but cauliflower and brussels sprouts. (Page 212)

Yelling Monster. He lives in the ceiling and listens through the light fixtures. If little kids yell too much or make too many demands, he comes down through the lights and snatches you away. And just to be clear, the yelling monster means serious business early in the morning. (Page 212)

Shoe Monster. She lives in the heating duct and makes sure that kids get their shoes on in the morning—quickly—or else she’ll take you down into the vent. To make the Shoe Monster really come to life, sometimes my husband turns on the heat just when it’s time to leave the house. The sound in the duct gets Rosy to put those shoes on lightning fast. (Page 212)

CHAPTER 12 Tools for Sculpting Behavior: Dramas (Page 214)

Instead, the parent waits. Then in a peaceful, calm moment, the parent stages a reenactment of what happened when the child misbehaved. Typically the performance starts with a question, tempting the child to do something she knows she shouldn’t. For example, if the child hits others, the mom may start a drama by asking, “Why don’t you hit me?” (Page 217)

Practice proper behavior. (Page 219)

While taking part in a drama, kids can practice controlling their anger. Practice being kind to a sibling. Practice sharing with a friend. Practice not hitting Mama. Practice. Practice. (Page 219)

Practice is especially important when kids are learning how to control anger, says neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett. Because once anger has already erupted, squelching it is not easy for anyone, children or adults. (Page 219)

Turn discipline into play. (Page 220)

Children use play to recover from hard experiences throughout the day and “emotional upheavals,” says psychologist Larry Cohen. (Page 220)

Summary for Chapters 11 and 12: Sculpt Behavior with Stories and Dramas Ideas to Remember When a child feels upset, they will have a hard time listening and learning. When a child feels relaxed and safe from punishment, they are open to learning new rules and fixing mistakes. If the child isn’t cooperating over an issue (e.g., doing their homework), there’s likely tension between the parent and child over the issue. Once this tension resolves, through play or a story, a child will cooperate and behave better. Children love to learn through oral stories, especially when these stories include characters, experiences, and objects from their real lives. They have a natural inclination to learn this way. For example, children love to: Hear about their family’s history and their parents’ childhoods. Imagine objects coming to life and making mistakes. Imagine ghosts, monsters, fairies, and other supernatural creatures living around them and helping them learn proper behavior. Children love to learn through play. It’s how they release tension and practice proper behavior. Children love to reenact problematic behavior or mistakes and watch the consequences unfold in a fun, low-stress environment (without fear of punishment). Tips and Tools Instead of using lectures and adult logic to change a child’s behavior or teach them a value, wait for a calm, relaxed moment and try one of these tools: Tell a story from your childhood. Explain how you and your parents handled a mistake, problem, or misbehavior. Were you punished? How did you react? Put on a puppet show. Get a stuffed animal or a pair of socks to act out the consequences of the child’s behavior and how you would like them to behave. Have them play one of the characters in the show. Bring the problem into the play zone. Tell the child, “I noticed we’ve been arguing a lot about homework [or whatever problem you have]. Let’s play a game about it. Who do you want to play? Me or you?” Then reenact in a fun way what happens during the argument. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate and act outrageous. The goal is to laugh and release tension built up over the issue. Use a monster story. Create a monster that hides out near your house. Tell the child the monster is watching and if the child misbehaves in a particular way, the monster will come and take them away (for only a few days). Bring an inanimate object to life. Have a stuffed animal, piece of clothing, or other inanimate object help you coax a child to complete a task. Have the object do the task itself (e.g., brush a stuffed animal’s teeth) or have the object ask the child to do a task (e.g., have a toothbrush ask the child to brush their teeth). (Page 226)

SECTION 4 Hadzabe Health T E Autonomy M (Page 229)

CHAPTER 13 How Did Our Ancient Ancestors Parent? (Page 231)

CHAPTER 14 The Most Confident Kids in the World (Page 241)

TEAM 3 Ancient Antidote for Anxiety and Stress (Page 250)

The entire time we were in Tanzania and Mexico, I never heard a Hadzabe or Maya parent ask a child, “Do you want…?” And they surely never offered “choices.” But I do these things all the time. (Page 255)

It’s easy to confuse autonomy and independence. Before writing this book, I certainly thought they were the same. But in fact, the two concepts have different meanings, and this difference is essential to understanding how hunter-gatherer parents raise such self-reliant and kind children. It’s also key to understanding a way of parenting that does not involve control—a way of collaborating with your child that smoothes your relationship and helps your child feel less anxious. (Page 257)

The difference has to do with connectivity. Independence means not needing or not being influenced by others. An independent child operates like a solitary planet. They’re disconnected. They have no obligations to their family or their community around them. And in return, the family and community have no expectations of the child. Independence is an alley cat in the city who answers to no one but himself, or ten-year-old Michaeleen, barefoot on a hot summer day. (Page 258)

Responsibilities to others (Page 258)

works much better if I ask her to do a very, very small subtask of what I’m already doing (Page 260)

was also padding the request with way too much flowery, unnecessary language (e.g., “Rosy, would you mind helping clear the dinner table?” or “Rosy, do you want to take this coffee to your dad?”). Instead, I can put the dirty dinner plate in Rosy’s hand and say, “Put this in the kitchen,” or hand her the coffee cup and say, “Take this coffee to Dadda.” That’s it! So simple. So clear. And so much more likely to work. (Page 260)

always thought of freedom and teamwork as contradictory concepts, but with this parenting approach, the two ideas balance each other out and bring out each other’s advantages. (Page 261)

Freedom (sweetness), on its own, can generate selfish kids. But add a pinch of teamwork (tartness) and the child bursts with generosity and confidence. They become the perfect peach. (Page 261)

Invisible safety net (Page 261)

First of all, parents in these cultures rarely leave young children completely alone. To my Western eye, the kids seemed alone, but when I looked a little harder, I saw that wasn’t true at all. As the psychological anthropologist Suzanne Gaskins told me once about Chan Kajaal, “Someone is always watching.” You think you are alone, but people watch everything. (Page 261)

Sometimes parents will even send an older child (or another adult) to follow behind a younger one, stealthily, when a child first tries to run an errand on their own. (Page 262)

giving children autonomy doesn’t mean sacrificing safety. It simply means staying quiet and out of the way. It means watching, from a distance, so kids can explore and learn for themselves. Then if the child gets into danger—real danger—you swoop in to help. (Page 262)

Autonomy has tremendous benefits for kids of all ages. Oodles of studies have linked autonomy to a slew of desired traits for kids, including inner drive, long-term motivation, independence, confidence, and better executive function. (Page 263)

When you feel like you have influence over your immediate situation and the direction of your life, stress goes down, the brain relaxes, and life gets easier. (Page 264)

“The biggest gift parents can give their children is the opportunity to make their own decisions,” psychologist Holly Schiffrin says. “Parents who ‘help’ their children too much stress themselves out and leave their kids ill-prepared to be adults.” (Page 264)

Decrease your commands and other verbal input (e.g., questions, requests, choices). 2. Empower the child by training them to handle obstacles and dangers, which in turn allows you to reduce your commands. (Page 265)

• Try three commands per hour. (Page 265)

Once you get comfortable with twenty minutes, try bumping up the time to forty minutes, then an hour. After a month or so, see if you notice a difference in your child’s behavior and their relationship with you. Do they have more confidence? Do you experience less conflict? (Page 265)

Stop being a ventriloquist. I didn’t realize how much I act as Rosy’s ventriloquist until I see how the Hadzabe parents never answer for children or tell them what to say. Never, ever. (Page 266)

I simply stop answering for her or telling her what to say (or at least, I try very hard not to do these things). As a result, sometimes Rosy seems rude to other people. But I’m confident that she’ll learn and figure out the appropriate behavior (with the formula). And if I really feel like she should have shown gratitude, I will ask her afterward: “What would a big girl have done?” and leave it at that. (Page 266)

older children, make it your goal to let your child speak whenever possible and increasingly so as their confidence and abilities grow. Let them order at restaurants, set up after-school activities, settle disputes with friends and, when possible, talk with teachers, coaches, and instructors about successes and mistakes. (Page 266)

“At a store, or with an instructor or coach, you might even physically hang back and avoid eye contact so that it’s clear to the adult that your child will be doing the talking,” former Stanford dean Julie Lythcott-Haims writes in her book How to Raise an Adult. (Page 266)

In all circumstances, let the child take the lead and show you what conversations they can handle on their own. Resist the urge to interrupt your child, no matter what, even if they make mistakes or leave out key points. (Page 266)

Let children handle their own arguments. (Page 267)

when children argue among themselves, just step back and don’t interfere. Your meddling will only make the argument worse and prevent children from learning how to settle their own disputes. (Page 267)

Drop a rule. Is there something your child really wants to do alone, without your help, but you always tag along or stop them? Maybe it’s biking to school or going to the corner market. Maybe it’s using the kitchen knife, cooking on the grill, or making pasta. (Page 267)

Train a child to avoid or handle dangers in your home and neighborhood. (Page 267)

Turns out, children are hungry to learn these skills! They love it. Toddlers and young kids see parents using knives, heat, and electricity for such amazing tasks as chopping, cooking, and generating light. Why wouldn’t a kid want to get involved? (Page 268)

For babies and toddlers (crawling and walking). (Page 268)

Start teaching a baby and toddler which items in the home (and around the neighborhood) are “hot.” When the stove is on, point and say something like “Hot!” Then act out what would happen if you touch it. “Ouch! That would hurt.” Point to the electric socket and say the same thing: “Hot! Ouch!” (Page 268)

Then if you or a family member accidentally burn yourself, show the child the burn so they can see what happens if you’re not careful with “hot.” Say something like “See what happened when I wasn’t careful and touched the stove? Ouch! It hurts.” (Page 268)

interested in fire around age 2.5, so my husband taught her how to blow out a candle, how the flame could burn her, and all about how fire extinguishers work. (Page 268)

For small children (approximately three and up): (Page 268)

For fire, show the child how to light a burner, turn on the oven, stir a pot of boiling water, flip a pancake, or melt butter in a pan. For knives, give a child a serrated steak knife to start with and let them slowly work their way up to a dull paring knife. The idea is to give the child something sharp enough that it’s actually useful but dull enough that they won’t hurt themselves with it. Then watch and see how their skills develop. If the child shows aptitude on a given knife and asks to try a sharper one, then let them try it with something easy to cut, like bananas or small cucumbers. But there’s no need to rush the process. If the child cuts happily with a butter knife, let them be. (Page 269)

Find autonomy zones. (Page 269)

Identify dangers. (Page 269)

the beginning, walk around near the child as they explore the environment. Be the invisible safety net. Keep an eye out for any dangers—steep drop-offs, pools of water, sharp objects. Catalog these dangers in your mind. Don’t say anything to the child if they don’t notice them or show any interest in them. You’re just asking for trouble if you direct a child to a danger. (Page 269)

Step back. (Page 269)

Sit down somewhere, pull out a book (or work), and relax. Let the child explore autonomously. Count your commands and go for three per hour. (Page 269)

Form an invisible safety net. (Page 269)

If the child goes near one of the dangers, start watching more closely. The more time they spend near the danger, the closer you watch. Resist the urge to run over to the child or scream a warning. Wait and watch. If the child seems interested in the danger, calmly walk over and begin to train them about that danger (Page 269)

What makes a good autonomy zone? For toddlers and smaller children, look for places with wide-open spaces, so you can see the little ones easily from a far distance and you don’t have to follow them around. Some great places: Parks with wide-open spaces Playgrounds (I like the ones with sand or soft dirt to cushion falls) Beaches (you can quickly train a child to avoid the ocean) Community gardens Grassy fields Schoolyards Dog parks Your house and yard (or porch in the city) (Page 270)

For older children, community pools and community centers make great autonomy zones. Work up toward dropping kids off at these places (and the ones above) and picking them up later. (Page 270)

Make your neighborhood an autonomy zone. The exact age for this autonomy zone really depends on the neighborhood, the child, and the availability of the safety net (i.e., older siblings available to watch after the little ones). (Page 270)

Introduce your child to your neighbors. (Page 271)

Host a block party. (Page 271)

Encourage your kids to play with the kids in the neighborhood. (Page 271)

Summary for Chapter 14: How to Raise a Confident Child Ideas to Remember Like adults, kids and toddlers don’t like to be bossed around. Children, at every age, have a natural inclination to learn autonomously without interference. When we boss kids around, we undermine their confidence and self-reliance. When we give children autonomy and minimize instruction to them, we send the message that they are self-sufficient and can handle problems on their own. The best way to protect a child from anxiety and stress is to give them autonomy. Independence and autonomy are different concepts. An independent child is disconnected from others and not responsible for anyone except themselves. An autonomous child governs their own actions and makes their own decisions, but they have a constant connection to their family and friends. They are expected to help, share, and be kind. They are expected to give back to the group whenever possible. Tips and Tools Pay attention to how frequently you instruct your child. Take out your phone and set it for twenty minutes. Count how many questions, comments, and demands you make to your child during that time. Go for three commands an hour. Try to limit your verbal instructions to three per hour, especially during activities that trigger conflict and arguments (e.g., getting ready for school, getting ready for bed). Use commands only to teach children helpfulness, generosity, and other responsibilities to the family. Find an autonomy zone. Identify places around your town where toddlers and kids can practice autonomy, where you can watch them from a distance and interfere minimally. Try parks and playgrounds with open spaces, grassy fields, and beaches. Bring a magazine or work and let the kids play for a few hours. Make your yard and neighborhood an autonomy zone. Train your child to handle dangers around your home and neighborhood. Build an “invisible safety net” by getting to know your neighbors and their children. Stop being a ventriloquist. Make it a goal to stop speaking for your child or telling them what to say. Let them answer questions directed at them, order at restaurants, decide when to say “Please” and “Thank you.” Work toward having them handle all conversations themselves, including discussions with teachers, coaches, and instructors. (Page 272)

CHAPTER 15 Ancient Antidote for Depression (Page 274)

Alloparenting is likely one of the key reasons why our species and our ancestors have survived the past million years or so while other humanlike species, such as Neanderthal and Homo heidelbergensis, didn’t make the cut. In other words, Homo sapien’s “success” on earth probably has less to do with “man the hunter” than “aunty the helper” and “grandpa the giver.” (Page 279)

For Homo sapiens, social support works a bit like a miracle drug. It provides health benefits that ripple through our entire bodies, from our minds into our blood, through our hearts, and into our bones. Over the past decades, study after study has linked meaningful friendships and camaraderie to all kinds of health benefits. They decrease our risk for cardiovascular disease; boost our immune systems; and protect us from stress, anxiety, and depression. And when we do find ourselves trapped with a mental health problem, the more that we believe we have friends and families supporting us, the better chance we have of recovering from anxiety and depression. (Page 282)

“Just spending time with others, even if you aren’t interacting, can lower your blood pressure and have a calming effect,” says psychologist Bert Uchino, at the University of Utah, who studies how loneliness affects our physical health. (Page 283)

Loneliness can cause anxiety, depression, and sleep problems, which in turn cause more loneliness. “When people don’t have social support, their bodies have signs of physical stress. They look like they’re being threatened. Like people are out to get them,” Bert says. (Page 283)

Social support is so important for physical health that, in one study, having strong relationships correlated just as strongly with a longer life expectancy as being physically active or cutting out smoking. In other words, the time and energy you spend planting and cultivating deep, fulfilling friendships is likely just as crucial to your overall well-being as your afternoon run (or even not smoking). (Page 283)

Value the “little mothers” and “little fathers” in your child’s life. In Western culture, we already have many alloparents around us—ones who work extremely hard to help our children. I’m talking about nannies, day care providers, teachers, and babysitters. Some of these alloparents spend more time with our children than we do. They are linchpins for our children’s emotional development and health. (Page 285)

Train up a mini-alloparent. Recruit an older sibling to look after the younger ones. Start training them when they are young, say three or four. At that age, a child is eager to learn and help—and acting as the caretaker will become second nature for them as they grow up. (Page 286)

Build an auntie and uncle network. (Page 287)

Build a MAP. That’s my own acronym for “multi-age playgroup” or “mixed-age playgroup.” (Page 287)

Tolerate your relatives (or learn to value their contributions). (Page 287)

Summary for Chapter 15: How to Protect Children from Depression Ideas to Remember Babies and children are designed to be raised by many types of people. From grandparents and aunties to nannies and neighbors, they are all important. This network of love and support helps the child see the world as supportive and kind, which protects them from depression and mental health problems. One or two extra alloparents can make a big difference in a child’s life. Other children make fantastic alloparents and tend to be better teachers and playmates than adults. Children naturally integrate play into learning and have skill levels closer to other children than adults have. Deep, close friendships are likely just as important for you and your child’s health as exercising and eating healthy. Tips and Tools Build a network of aunts and uncles. Work together with three or four other families to share after-school care. Have each family be responsible for a day each week. This network provides emotional support for kids and breaks for parents. Create MAPs (Multi-age playgroups). Encourage your child to play with kids, of all ages, around the neighborhood. Invite other families over for dinner or cocktails. Organize big neighborhood playgroups on the weekend, where kids of all ages are invited to play in your yard or at a nearby park. Train up mini-alloparents. Teach older children to take care of younger siblings, starting at a young age. Connect their care to their growing maturity (e.g., “You’re helping your brother because you’re a big girl now”). Reward the child for their care by increasing their responsibility over time. Value the alloparents you already have. Work together with your child to show appreciation for nannies, day care providers, teachers, and coaches. Make them thank-you notes, treats, and special meals. Treat them as valued family members. Model generosity and respect. (Page 289)

SECTION 5 Western Parenting 2.0 T E A Minimal interference (Page 291)

TEAM 4 A New Paradigm for Western Parents (Page 293)

helicopter parents strictly control a child’s overall schedule (macro-parenting), and they strictly control the child’s actions during those activities (micro-parenting). By contrast, free-range parents allow a child to set their own schedule, and they let the child decide how to act during those activities. They take a laissez-faire approach on both the macro-and micro-parenting fronts. (Page 295)

CHAPTER 16 Sleep (Page 299)

Basically all the “sleep rules,” as we know them now, came into fashion in the nineteenth century. During the Industrial Revolution, workers needed to arrive at factories at a certain time in the morning, no matter when the sun rose or set. As a result, “sleep had to be subjected to increasing levels of control,” Ben writes in his book Wild Nights: How Taming Sleep Created Our Restless World. (Page 302)

Model. I said, very calmly, “I’m tired. My body is telling me I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” I went upstairs and got myself ready for bed (although I wasn’t going to sleep). I brushed my teeth. Flossed. Put on my pajamas. Then I got into her bed, and started reading a book. And I waited. 2. Acknowledge. When she came upstairs and laid next to me, I gave her a bit of positive attention. I hugged her and smiled at her. Then I connected the desired behavior to maturity with one question: “Rosy, what would a big girl do now?” I stayed in the bed and continued to model what I wanted her to do. I never forced her to get ready for bed but rather encouraged her with the tools we’ve learned. 3. Practice. Once she got her pj’s on and brushed her teeth, I helped her fall asleep by rubbing her back. I stayed calm the whole time and never pushed. If she talked or whined, I simply said, “Let’s be quiet and still so our bodies and minds can calm down and go to sleep. I’m tired.” (Page 305)