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From the notebook

Simplicity Parenting

Kim John Payne, Lisa M. Ross

Book Cover

AI Summary

Key points:

  1. Children today are overwhelmed by “too much” - too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, too much speed. This robs them of the time and ease they need to explore their inner worlds. Simplifying their environment helps restore their sense of wellbeing.
  2. Rhythm and predictability through daily and weekly routines provide security for children. Family rituals build connection. Allowing “boredom” promotes creativity and self-directed play.
  3. Overscheduling is harmful, burning children out. Children need ample unstructured time to play, imagine, and develop interests at their own pace. Balance is key.
  4. Adult fears and issues should not overwhelm children. As “helicopter parents” we hover too close. Children need a secure “base camp” with parents, but space to explore life themselves.
  5. Filter adult media and conversations to limit children’s exposure to consumerism, violence and complex issues. Talk less, connect more through action. Model values like respect and restraint.
  6. Simplifying toys, clothes, food and other elements creates space and eases overwhelm. This allows children’s inner worlds, voices and interests to emerge and guide their growth.

In summary, simplicity and rhythm, not overstimulation, builds strong children from the inside out. Protecting childhood and promoting connection matter most.

Here are some key examples of simplifying daily life for children:

Toys and Environment

  • Reduce overall number of toys so child is not overwhelmed. Store most and rotate some in/out.
  • Choose open-ended, basic, quality toys that inspire imagination over highly structured toys.
  • Organize toys and books so only a few favorites are out at a time. This helps kids focus.

Clothes

  • Limit choices in clothes to simplify getting dressed. Have outfits pre-selected.

Food

  • Simplify and limit food choices. Avoid highly processed foods.
  • Have predictable, regular family dinners with a few staple, familiar foods. Involve kids in prep.

Schedules

  • Leave ample unscheduled free time for kids to play, imagine, get bored.
  • Balance arousing activities with calming ones.

Media/Adult World

  • Greatly limit or eliminate TV, computers, video games for young kids.
  • Don’t discuss adult issues openly with kids or let them overhear.
  • Talk less in general, let kids have space for their own thoughts.

Rhythm

  • Create daily and weekly routines and rituals to provide security through predictability.

The main goals are to reduce overwhelm and clutter, allow focus, and make space for kids to explore their inner worlds through play and self-directed activities. This builds resilience, self-knowledge and creativity from the inside out.

“Simplicity Parenting” by Kim John Payne offers a guiding philosophy for parents seeking to reduce stress and complexity in their children’s lives to foster a more peaceful, healthful, and nurturing environment. The book is grounded in the idea that simplifying a child’s environment, schedule, and access to information can lead to significant benefits in their development and family dynamics. Here are the main points and notable quotes from the book:

Main Points

  1. Reduce Clutter: The book emphasizes the importance of decluttering physical spaces to minimize the sensory overload children face. A simplified environment helps children engage more deeply in play and creativity.
  2. Establish Rhythms and Rituals: Payne advocates for the establishment of consistent daily and weekly rhythms. This predictability offers children a sense of security and helps them develop self-discipline and responsibility.
  3. Scale Back on Schedules: Over-scheduling is seen as detrimental to children’s health and well-being. The book suggests scaling back on activities to allow for more free play, family time, and opportunities for spontaneous adventures.
  4. Filter Out the Adult World: It’s recommended to limit children’s exposure to adult concerns, media, and discussions to protect their innocence and allow them to grow at an appropriate pace.
  5. Simplify Toys: The quality of play is more important than the quantity of toys. The book encourages selecting toys that nurture children’s imagination and can be used in multiple ways.
  6. Embrace Boredom: Boredom is seen as an opportunity for creativity. Instead of constantly entertaining children, the book suggests that allowing for periods of boredom encourages self-directed play.
  7. Focus on Connection: Simplifying life can lead to stronger family bonds. The book highlights the importance of connecting with children through simple daily activities, conversations, and shared meals.

Notable Quotes

  • “In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out moments, but the common threads that run throughout and give it texture and warmth.”
  • “By simplifying, we protect the environment for childhood’s slow, essential unfolding of self.”
  • “Too much stuff leads to too little time and too little depth in the way kids see and explore their worlds.”
  • “The rhythm of your family, its unique beat and flow, is one of the most powerful tools you have for simplifying your life.”
  • “Children need time to become themselves—through play and social interaction. If you overwhelm a child with stuff—with choices and pseudochoices—before they are ready, they will only know one emotional gesture: More!”

“Simplicity Parenting” offers a holistic approach to raising happy, resilient children by focusing on the essentials and removing the excesses that can hinder their development. The book serves as both a philosophical guide and a practical handbook for parents seeking to embrace simplicity in their family lives.

Highlights

ONE • Why Simplify? (Page 11)

When you simplify a child’s “world,” you prepare the way for positive change and growth. This preparatory work is especially important now because our world is characterized by too much stuff. We are building our daily lives, and our families, on the four pillars of too much: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed. With this level of busyness, distractions, time pressure, and clutter (mental and physical), children are robbed of the time and ease they need to explore their worlds and their emerging selves. And since the pressures of “too much” are so universal, we are “adjusting” at a commensurately fast pace. The weirdness of “too much” begins to seem normal. (Page 14)

What has also become increasingly clear to me is that so much of this stress is what we now call daily life. It is the life that surrounds our children, a daily life that is unfortunately not that distinct from those we lead as adults. A daily life submerged in the same media-rich, multitasking, complex, information-overloaded, time-pressured waters as our own. (Page 21)

The good news is that there are many things we can do as parents to protect the environment of childhood. There are many ways that we can erect filters to stop the speed and stress of adult life from pouring, unchecked, into our kids’ homes, heads, and hearts. As my work has become increasingly focused on simplification, I have seen how effective this process can be in restoring a child’s sense of ease and well-being. It shifts a family’s direction, so that their daily life efforts are in concert, not in opposition, with their dreams. (Page 25)

The Process: Hopes and Dreams (Page 26)

Parents can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the problems, unable to see a pattern or starting point. Parts of the day may be problematic, such as meals and bedtimes, and we discuss these, looking at them in the context of daily life. Such explosions are rarely the result of the activity itself; they arise from pressures building up long before. As parents become more involved in simplifying, in increasing rhythm and predictability in the home (Chapter Four), they will learn how to build in “pressure valves,” little islands of calm throughout the day. (Page 31)

The Process: Getting Started (Page 32)

In terms of areas to change I usually see two categories: what is important, and what is doable. What seems the most important is usually not; what is most doable is the place to begin. (Page 32)

We then turn our attention to books, whittling the pile down to one or two of the current favorites. (Page 35)

Our purpose here is not to discourage reading, but to allow the child to really concentrate on, and revel in, whatever they are reading (or doing) at any given time. (Page 35)

The stored toys were a sort of toy “library” that the family could draw from provided they replaced one before taking another. We did the same with books, packing and labeling the majority of them for storage, and leaving five or six of favorites, lined neatly on a shelf by Marie’s bed. (Page 36)

We also made sure Marie had a table her size, a large drawing pad, and a box of big crayons. We gathered, washed, and folded an assortment of dress-up clothes that we put in one empty basket. (Page 36)

Children are such tactile beings. They live so fully by their senses that if they see something, they will also want to touch it, smell it, possibly eat it, maybe throw it, feel what it feels like on their heads, listen to it, sort it, and probably submerge it in water. This is entirely natural. Strap on their pith helmets; they’re exploring the world. But imagine the sensory overload that can happen for a child when every surface, every drawer and closet is filled with stuff? So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention. Too much stuff deprives kids of leisure, and the ability to explore their worlds deeply. (Page 37)

The Changes (Page 38)

Why simplify? Over the years, as I’ve come to see how a child’s quirks or tendencies can be exacerbated by cumulative stress, I’ve seen how children can slide along on the spectrum from quirk to disorder when they experience high levels of stress. If I had a big chalkboard, I would write it as this formula: q + s = d; or: quirk plus stress equals disorder. This is especially worrisome in a society that is often quick to judge, label, and prescribe. (Page 40)

If you add cumulative stress to this child’s life, he or she can just slide along the spectrum to ADHD, inattentive type. Their response to stress is to check out; that is their escape route. (Page 40)

Just as stress can push children in one direction, the reverse is also true. When you really simplify a child’s life on a number of levels, back they come. (Page 41)

When we overprotect, when we become so neurotic about the perfection of our children’s every experience and waking moment, we don’t protect them from sliding along the behavioral spectrum. We push them along it. (Page 43)

fever free) in the short run, but in the long run we would be leaving them vulnerable, less able to cope with the world around them. (Page 43)

Overparenting creates a lot of tension. Our anxiousness about our children makes them, in turn, anxious. Little ones “graze” on our emotions. They feed on the tone we set, the emotional climate we create. They pick up on the ways in which we are nervous and hypervigilant about their safety, and it makes them nervous; so these feelings cycle. (Page 43)

As parents we also define ourselves by what we bring our attention and presence to. This is easy to forget when daily life feels more like triage. By eliminating some of the clutter in our lives we can concentrate on what we really value, not just what we’re buried under, or deluged with. With simplification we can bring an infusion of inspiration to our daily lives; set a tone that honors our families’ needs before the world’s demands. Allow our hopes for our children to outweigh our fears. Realign our lives with our dreams for our family, and our hopes for what childhood could and should be. (Page 53)

Yet simplification is not just about taking things away. It is about making room, creating space in your life, your intentions, and your heart. With less physical and mental clutter, your attention expands, and your awareness deepens. (Page 53)

Why simplify? The primary reason is that it will provide your child with greater ease and well-being. Islands of being, in the mad torrent of constant doing. With fewer distractions their attention expands, their focus can deepen, and they have more mental and physical space to explore the world in the manner their destiny demands. (Page 54)

Imagine your home … as a place where time moves a little slower. becoming less cluttered and more visually relaxing. with space, and time, for childhood—and with time for one another every day. as a place where play and exploration are allowed, and honored. having more ease as you begin to limit distractions and to say no to the stress of too much, too fast, too soon. as a sense of calm and security take hold. becoming a place where those we love know it, by virtue of our attention, protection, and appreciation. (Page 54)

TWO • Soul Fever (Page 56)

Noticing (Page 59)

Physical Fever: (Page 59)

Soul Fever: (Page 60)

child with a soul fever stays “out of sorts,” taking more than a step or two toward their quirky tendencies. A child being sullen is usually just that; but if they’re sullen then feisty, and tangling with friends they usually adore, we might take a second look. (Page 60)

The developmental purpose of adolescence’s polarities is a zig-zaggedy path toward self-regulation. We now know the brain is still developing during these years, particularly those sections that are critical for judgment and reason. What allows a teenager to move between polarities is the (boring) stability in their lives. A safe and stable context allows teens to swing between polarities without getting stuck in one extreme or another. It gives them a center, a plumb line to use as they learn to regulate their behavior. (Page 62)

The first step then, toward taking care of our child’s soul fever, just as with a physical fever, is noticing it. And there will be times when just that—our noticing—will be enough for a child to feel bolstered, supported, understood. (Page 63)

Quieting Things Down (Page 64)

Most children, no matter what their age, can reset their emotional clock given two or three quiet days. One restful, simplified weekend is usually enough to make the difference, to break a soul fever. It affords enough space and grace to loosen an emotional knot. (Page 65)

That first time, Margaret’s daughter felt she was being “grounded.” It turns out she was absolutely right. I love this very American expression, “being grounded,” because in this context, it fits. When an adolescent is overwhelmed, in a soul fever, the electrical current around them is so strong that they actually do need “grounding.” They need to be brought back to earth, brought back to their more relaxed, resilient selves. (Page 67)

Bringing Them Close (Page 68)

Physically and emotionally, they need to be brought close. Sometimes a child who is “off their game” does not need pampering so much as a quiet assurance of our presence and availability. When we change the routine and quiet things down, we are placing an unspoken emphasis on relationship, connection. (Page 69)

Time in nature calms and focuses; for most children, it takes only a few minutes for them to begin to explore. (Page 69)

nature is profoundly healing, physically and emotionally. Neurologically time in nature can bring a child out of the amygdala-based fight-or-flight response and into the higher functions of thought that are based in the limbic system (creative) and the frontal lobes (cognition). (Page 69)

This is the lesson they will take with them: A small period of downtime is a form of care, a way of being cared for. It’s true, you may be the one doing the caring now, and insisting on limitations that they may resist, but you are also beginning a pattern that they can continue for themselves and will serve them throughout their lives. (Page 70)

Running Its Course (Page 72)

Nobody gets to skip the soul fevers and growing pains of life. In order to learn who they are, and what feels right to them, a child must grapple with these emotional upsets. It’s all part of self-regulation. (Page 73)

Your support doesn’t “fix” anything, it just provides a loving container for them to process the things that are bothering them. With warmth you can help keep their emotions, their sense of options, and their behavior pliable. The roots of hopelessness and helplessness need hardened soil; you maintain fertile emotional ground around your child with the compassion of your noticing and caring. (Page 73)

The emphasis is on creating a calming, supportive atmosphere so that they can get through what they need to get through. Simplifying is not about using guerrilla tactics to clear a path through life for our child. So often these tactics—the immediate urge to pick up the phone and harangue a teacher, or another child’s parent—is a response to the worst parental nightmare: Our child is in pain, and there’s nothing we can do. Simplifying is something we can do. By simplifying we take clear, consistent steps to provide our child what they need—time, ease, and compassion—to process what is bothering them. (Page 74)

A Slow, Strong Return (Page 74)

You’ll notice a change in your child with each passing emotional storm. They will take something from the experience; hopefully a sense of their own strength; certainly a sense that “things get better.” Even if their unease remains nameless, unacknowledged by them, they’ll know that you cared enough to support them through it. You didn’t walk each step with them, but you eased their way. (Page 75)

My fellow Australian and dear friend Steve Biddulph (author of Raising Boys) doesn’t equivocate. He says, “If either parent spends more than ten hours a day at work, including travel, then their child will suffer. Fifteen hours a day almost guarantees damage. Emotional problems, addictions, suicidality, depression, poor school performance all are increased by parental absence through the workplace demands made on us. (Page 76)

our sped-up world, this is as close to a panacea as we can offer our little ones: a step back, a bit of time and leisure to rejuvenate. Simplification, in a small dose. A detangler of emotional knots, it’s an effective tool to remember and use in the swirl and bustle of daily life. (Page 78)

Imagine how secure your child will feel knowing that … when something is really “up,” when they don’t feel right, you will notice and respond. when they are overwhelmed—physically or emotionally—normal routines will be suspended. when their well-being is threatened, they will be brought close, be watched, and be cared for. when they are not well, they will be afforded the time and ease to recover their equilibrium. your love will accommodate, and look beyond, their less-than-best selves. they are deeply known and instinctively cared for. (Page 78)

THREE • Environment (Page 79)

Companies have found that they can enlist our children in their marketing efforts. By targeting kids directly, they can use “pester power,” meaning a child’s ability to nag their parents into purchasing things they might not otherwise buy, or even know about. (Page 83)

researchers have found that children directly impact more than $ 286 billion of family purchases annually. (Page 83)

In her wonderful book The Shelter of Each Other, Mary Pipher discusses some of the unspoken lessons that advertisements teach us, and particularly our children: to be unhappy with what we have “I am the center of the universe and I want what I want now” products can solve complex human problems, and meet our needs buying products is important (Page 83)

Children need time to become themselves—through play and social interaction. If you overwhelm a child with stuff—with choices and pseudochoices—before they are ready, they will only know one emotional gesture: “More!” (Page 85)

here is the paradigm shift that I am suggesting for toys: Less is more. No special toys, or quantity of toys, is necessary to develop a child’s imagination. Children use and grow their imaginations quite naturally. They only need time to do so. Plenty of open-ended time, and mental ease. (Page 89)

The Power of Less (Page 91)

If the entire house is cluttered, with every surface covered, every crannie crammed, then your streamlined, simplified child’s room will not last. Some form of homeostasis among the rooms will develop—either their room will reclutter, or its simplicity will prove your inspiration for decluttering elsewhere. However it happens, the more consistent you can be in simplifying throughout the house, the more wholeheartedly your commitment will be understood and embraced. (Page 92)

Ask yourself, “Is this a toy my child can pour their imagination into, or is it too ‘fixed?” By “fixed” I mean is it already too finished, and detailed, too much of one—and only one—thing? Does it “do everything,” or can a child change it, manipulate it, dream into it? Is this a toy that “does” so much (this button pushes the ejector rods, this button triggers the lights, this button launches the missiles), that my child’s main involvement will be sitting there pushing buttons? Is this toy so complex that it can only break? (Page 93)

By simplifying the number and complexity of our children’s toys, we give them liberty to build their own imaginary worlds. When children are not being told what to want, and what to imagine, they can learn to follow their own interests, to trust their own emerging voices. They can discover what genuinely speaks to them. (Page 96)

As you simplify, you allow children to pour their attention, and themselves, into what they are doing. When they’re not overwhelmed with so many toys, kids can more fully engage with the ones that they have. And when the toy is simpler, children can bring more of themselves to that engagement. There is freedom with less: freedom to attend, engage, and absorb. Toys that don’t do things can become anything, in play. When we don’t try to fill children’s minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of “imagination,” they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own ideas into play. (Page 96)

Getting Started: The Discard Pile (Page 97)

10-Point Checklist of Toys Without “Staying Power” (Page 97)

BROKEN TOYS (Page 97)

DEVELOPMENTALLY INAPPROPRIATE TOYS (Page 98)

you go through the toy pile you’ll notice that the simpler, more basic toys have a longer developmental life. A solidly built dump truck can be played with for years and years; the same applies to a beloved doll. (Page 98)

CONCEPTUALLY “FIXED” TOYS (Page 98)

TOYS THAT “DO TOO MUCH” AND BREAK TOO EASILY (Page 99)

VERY HIGH-STIMULATION TOYS (Page 99)

My issue with these toys is that they add to a frenetic, cumulative whole. So many things children experience today come with a rush of adrenaline. (Page 99)

ANNOYING OR OFFENSIVE TOYS (Page 100)

They make an awful noise, or project an offensive attitude, or they may be quite simply ugly. Toys that are truly offensive to the parents, but not the child, still qualify as chuckable. (Page 100)

TOYS THAT CLAIM TO GIVE YOUR CHILD A DEVELOPMENTAL EDGE (Page 101)

TOYS YOU ARE PRESSURED TO BUY (Page 101)

Like “pyramid schemes” for kids, these toys come with access to a website that offers kids games with points, and rewards that they can accrue. Children are encouraged to “invite your friends!” to the site and are thus drafted into the company’s viral marketing plan. (Page 102)

TOYS THAT INSPIRE CORROSIVE PLAY (Page 103)

TOY MULTIPLES (Page 104)

The Antidote (Page 105)

Organizing What Remains (Page 106)

Once you’ve identified all of the discards, you’ll be left with a group of toys that are fine, undamaged, but not members of the keepers group. These toys can be put into storage, forming a toy library. In the future they can be brought back into the child’s room, and back into play, but only on a “lending library” basis. (Page 106)

Ideally, you want a small number of beloved toys at hand and visible at any given time. Beyond those, you can have others that are accessible (in baskets or bins), but not visible. Either they are under the bed, and can be pulled out to be played with, or they are covered by a lid or by fabric. You can use whatever organizing system you wish, but you want to dramatically limit the visual clutter. My preference has been to have some large baskets, covered or draped with colored fabric. (Page 107)

By keeping the toys low—at a child’s level—and movable (that is, in baskets or carts that can be pulled out), you are inviting a child’s participation in cleanup. If the bin or toy chest is unmovable, a child will usually clean up … one … item … at … a … time. First they’ll bring this one over to dump in the bin, then they’ll go back for this very interesting one, which really needs to be looked at more carefully, because really, when it is connected with this one over here… The child is fully involved again, but not in cleaning up. If the basket can be slid to the child, then he or she can use both hands to tidy up, staying right there, engaged, until the task is done. (Page 107)

How many toys can your child (depending on their age) put away, by themselves, in five minutes? Let that be your guide. Reinforce the notion by storing most toys out of view and by saying, when necessary: “That’s enough toys out now.” (Page 108)

Simplified Play (Page 108)

You don’t need to stimulate or enrich play You don’t have to control it. Sometimes we parents help most by getting out of the way, while being available. We can provide time, opportunities, and resources. Play is an of-the-moment affair, as any parent knows who’s fielded an urgent request for “feathers!” or “a really floppy hat” or “something we can use for a grocery cart.” The resource providing can be tricky. But by allowing rather than controlling, we give children a sense of freedom and autonomy. Their play is open-ended, the choices and decisions are theirs to make, and the discovery process includes self-discovery. (Page 109)

Trial and error. (Page 110)

In our hurry to have our children walk, or in our anxiousness to serve them, we may cause them to skip stages essential for neural development. Instead, when we let the process happen—without trying to hurry or help it along—we are allowing the development of our child’s brains and bodies. We are also helping them sow the seeds of their own curiosity, attention, perseverance, and will. All of these faculties will continue to grow and develop through play. (Page 110)

Touch. (Page 111)

Children use and develop all of their senses through play. Touch is the most prevalent of these for small children, and so they put everything into their mouths, that most sensitive of touch organs. A child’s sense of touch metamorphoses into their awareness of the world, and their awareness of their own body, and boundaries: of self and “other.” A child who does not fully develop their sense of touch through explorative play can become hypersensitive to their own personal space and hypersensitive (or not fully aware) of another’s. Consider your child’s play environment through various lenses of “touch.” Natural materials, ones that invite touch, will inspire your little one’s explorations, their sensory safaris. (Page 111)

Rattles, nesting cubes, cloth dolls for babies, silks and scarves, heavy woolen blankets and cloaks, the pliancy of beeswax and clay as they warm to touch, a basket of smooth pebbles that change color when wet, solid wooden blocks and shapes, gnarled roots and sticks, beanbags. (Page 111)

Food preparation offers a parade of sensory delights for children: kneading damp, stretchy bread dough, its aroma as it bakes, stirring all manner and consistencies of liquids, forming shapes with cookie cutters, seeing butter melt and spread into the warm craters of toast. Even toddlers can have their own “real” kitchen tools, such as a workboard or mat, apron, wooden spoons, vegetable brushes, rolling pin, pots and pans, whisks and spatulas, with cloths for polishing apples and tidying up. Garden tools also should be real: a wheelbarrow or garden cart, garden gloves, with a small, but real shovel, rake, and trowels. (Page 111)

Pretending; imaginary play. (Page 113)

Make-believe is open-ended play at its most flexible and creative. Anything at all can be used in the service of an idea or fantasy. And it is just this kind of flexible thinking—the pot that becomes a hat one minute, a steering wheel the next—that will serve a child their entire life. (Page 113)

the more elaborate the “prop” for pretend play, the less a child flexes their own “imaginary muscles.” A fully detailed princess bed, complete with turrets, drapes, and a drawbridge, can provide a huge initial liftoff for castle fantasies. But with so little left in court to imagine, and so few fantastical choices to make, a child may just hang up her princess robes. (Page 113)

Experience. (Page 114)

Children need experience, not entertainment, in play, The more kids can do, see, feel, and experience for themselves in play, the more connected they will feel to the world, and the less overwhelmed. (Page 114)

Excellent toys for all of this “primal” exploration are buckets, nets, shovels and kites, scoops, bubbles, baskets, and containers for pouring and collecting. (Page 114)

Purpose and industry. (Page 114)

Nature. (Page 116)

For those who live outside a city, the yard is often the first “frontier” of nature. Whether in parks, yards, empty lots, nature preserves, scraggly wild patches, or well-preserved wilderness areas, nature is an ideal environment for play, And a childhood full of opportunities and time for exploring nature is a rich childhood indeed. We don’t have to aim for spectacular natural settings. How satisfying it is for a child to know a place—however modest—and to know it deeply. To explore it repeatedly, to know it in all of its seasonal faces, to identify one’s own favorite little spots and crevices in it. It’s also wonderful to have a variety of natural places and spots to explore. Children feel more grounded to where they live when they can learn to identify some of the common plants, birds, and animals they see in their yards and neighborhoods. (Page 116)

Social interaction. (Page 117)

Children need interaction with others, with human beings, to build social skills and their own individuality. There is no substitute, no “virtual” alternative to the vital, identity-forging power of relationships. Social skills can’t be stimulated by technology. In a world that increasingly relies on various forms of technology, none of which involve human touch, we find ourselves even further removed from one another. (Page 117)

Toddlers want to play—even if they’re playing alone—where they can see and be near others. You’ve noticed their preference for right under your feet. (Page 119)

From the age of nine or ten, kids will really want their own space, preferably with a desk or table at which they can do projects, hobbies, and crafts. As a child reaches the preteen years, their play reflects the fact that their sense of identity is “under construction,” a process that requires more alone time. While teenagers still want you to be available emotionally, they have a developmental job (separating from you) that makes physical proximity more difficult. They will still need it, but increasingly on their own terms. (Page 119)

Movement. (Page 119)

Art and music. (Page 120)

Books (Page 122)

We’ve all noticed children’s love of repetition. As we settle in to read to our three-or four-year-old child: “Again? We’ve read Curious George for the past three nights! Are you sure you want to hear it again?” Even as our kids grow into independent readers we often express surprise when we see them reading a book that we know they’ve read before, or when they ask to hear the same family story that they’ve heard so many times, they can recite it from memory. (Page 124)

As with play, kids do not need any one magical book, the newest bestseller, or an endless stream of new books, to foster a love of reading. They need time, and mental ease. They need the time to read deeply, and sometimes repeatedly. They also need stories that leave some room for their imagination. You can evaluate the books you choose for your child with similar criteria to those I mentioned in evaluating toys. (Page 124)

Is it developmentally appropriate? (Page 125)

the book based on a product or television character? (Page 125)

I think we can draw “lines in the sand” around our children. We can say no in our own homes to the commercialization of childhood. When you picture reading with your children, or them reading alone, imagine the circle of light around them as an “ad-free zone.” (Page 125)

Does it tell an unfolding story or is it “all over the place”? (Page 126)

Another way to judge a book is by the play it inspires. Books that are read to a child, or that they read, are often taken right up, incorporated into their play. Is the play engaging? Does the interaction go well? Or is the play corrosive, causing more issues and problems than fun? (Page 126)

Clothes (Page 126)

When you simplify a child’s clothes, you simplify daily life. (Page 127)

As adults who value individuality we are so convinced that children need variety and style to assert their individuality. But the identity building that children do through play is much more fundamental than any external look they may adopt. By limiting choices in the early years you give children the time and freedom to develop an inner voice. Simplicity provides the ease and well-being to develop a strong sense of self. And believe me, there will be no lack of personal expression—through fashion and otherwise—when that strong sense of self reaches adolescence. (Page 128)

Scent, Lighting (Page 128)

Simplify the smells and perfumes in your home, particularly in your child’s room. (Page 129)

Imagine your child’s room … uncluttered, and restful to the senses. with soft light and colors, and a sense of order and space. with room to move and play, to draw and build. without toys that are broken, forgotten, or heaped in piles. with a few of his or her most beloved toys in sight and the rest in one or two baskets on the floor, covered with cloth. with a place for a handful of books, while others are stored, ready to be cycled in once these are thoroughly read and enjoyed. as a peaceful and secure place for sleep, with the natural scents of home and minimal or no night lighting. Imagine … watching your children create new worlds and new ways to play with their toys, instead of their requiring new toys to play with. opening your child’s bureau or closet and seeing space around a few clothes that fit her and the current season. your children’s own real tools and their happy sense of purpose as they work and play at cooking, cleaning, and gardening. your child being able to live deeply and repeatedly in the “now” of a story or his or her play, rather than always eyeing what’s next. (Page 132)

FOUR • Rhythm (Page 134)

Increasing the rhythm of your home life is one of the most powerful ways of simplifying your children’s lives. If you see that as bad news, here’s the good news: It will also simplify—not complicate—yours. And it can be done. It can be done. (Page 136)

Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. (Page 138)

A rhythmic home life has a pattern and a flow. Its cadences are recognizable, and knowable, even to the youngest members of the family. Because the primary patterns—daily, weekly—are so well established, life’s other sequences—seasonal, annual—fit smoothly over well-worn grooves. (Page 138)

The busier your life, the more your children need and will benefit from the establishment of a sense of rhythm. I would also say that you can start with any point in your day—from dinners together right down to teeth-brushing time—and make it more rhythmical. (Page 139)

Predictability (Page 139)

So, while your child may not know the pattern of your days by their consistency and repetition (rhythm), you can provide markers and previews of their day, thereby letting them know what to expect (predictability). (Page 142)

One of the simplest, purest forms of stability or predictability in daily life is politeness. It is a level of communication and interaction that can be counted on, that builds trust. When you ask me for something, you say “please;” when I respond to your request, you say “thank you,” and I say “you’re welcome.” (Page 144)

Establishing Rhythms (Page 145)

Rhythm carves the necessary channels for discipline, making it more intrinsic than imposed. Where well-established rhythms exist, there is much less parental verbiage, less effort, and fewer problems around transitions. (Page 145)

rhythm makes children feel more secure. Absolutely. But a sense of rhythm makes adults calmer, too, and less plagued by parental craziness. With consistent structures in place, you’ll feel less like a Border collie, constantly nipping at your children’s heels. (Page 146)

Let’s use teeth brushing as an example. To make it consistent, you have to ground it either to another dependable activity or a specific time. If bedtime is anywhere between 7 and 10 P.M., you can’t use that as an anchor. Walk them through the steps, stay close. Secure each step: Where’s your toothbrush? See, right next to mine. How much toothpaste? That’s right, about the size of your thumbnail. We need to brush for two minutes. Ready? Let’s turn over the egg timer. There you are, good. (Page 147)

steps that parents need to take with their child: Start small, stay close, insist, and follow through. (Page 147)

Dressing in the morning can be made so much easier with a little preparation the night before. We make “scarecrows” of our daughters’ outfits for the day by completely “dressing” a hanger, topped with a hat in the winter. This saves time, but also helps propel kids into their day by limiting the opportunities for choice and conflict. (Page 149)

Breakfast tends to be less formal than dinner, but it doesn’t have to be completely on-the-go. You can anchor breakfast with some rituals of connection and security. It’s an ideal time to preview the day, verbally walking your child through what they can expect. (Page 149)

the best daily life rhythms offer connection. (Page 152)

Cleaning up after supper is just something you do as a family; no big deal. (Page 152)

Relational Credits (Page 152)

In parenting, too, it is often in the intervals—the spaces between activities—that relationships are built. (Page 152)

Unfortunately, some kids have very few pauses in their daily lives, going from one activity to the next without a chance to process their thoughts or feelings. Or a child’s parents might be so busy and overscheduled that they present a moving target, unavailable for these unplanned moments of connection. (Page 153)

A sense of rhythm in the home can increase these moments of pause. There’s something about being there consistently for kids that allows them to “pick their spots” and open up to you when nothing much is happening. You’re familiar, consistent, and predictable. (Page 153)

One point is that by being a parent who commits to regularity—to books every night, dinners together, the winter walk, the “favorites things,” the regular notes of the day and week—you become, by extension, a parent kids can be with, doing nothing. I sometimes think of it as “the old shoe phenomenon.” As such a mom or dad, you prove yourself regular, trustworthy. By those habitual commitments you are saying, “Yes, I may be ‘an old shoe,’ but I am your parental old shoe.” (Page 153)

Relationships are forged in pauses … the ordinary, incidental moments that have extraordinary cumulative power. (Page 159)

Family Dinner (Page 159)

The magic, it turns out, is in the process. Children who’ve had a role in preparing a meal assume ownership of it. More simply: When children make the food, they’re less likely to throw it, or refuse it. (Page 160)

There is reverence associated with the whole process: the preparation, eating, and the cleaning up afterward. Everyone is involved. (Page 160)

The rhythm of dinner begins with its preparation, not the first bite. However you can manage it, involve your children. Even young children can poke the eyes out of a potato, wash lettuce, or just put forks by each plate. It takes more effort on your part in the beginning, but it lays a path for regular, more efficient help in the future. It also gives kids a stake in the meal, a “pride of authorship” that will influence their eating and their behavior. “How do you like it?” they’ll ask everyone, several times. (Page 162)

Involving kids in the food preparation will also help ease the transition to the table. If you’re pulling a child away from play, it is easier to pull them into an activity than it is to pull them into a chair. (Page 162)

The dinner table is one of a child’s most consistent laboratories for learning social skills (and impulse control); it’s democracy in action. (Page 163)

Simplifying Tastes (Page 163)

For most families today, the pillars of too-much certainly apply to food. We generally consume too much of it; we’re overwhelmed by too many choices and too much information (advertising and marketing); and “too fast” applies both to what (fast food) and how (on the go) we eat. A sense of overwhelm, especially for children, can be the basis of poor eating habits and lifelong control issues around food. (Page 163)

My first suggestion for simplifying food, as with toys, is to limit choices and complexity. Simplify the number of food options available to your kids, and simplify the tastes and ingredients of those options by backing away from highly processed and sweetened foods. (Page 164)

parents continued to mention that as they simplified, their kids became less and less picky about food. (Page 168)

Because as kids begin to feel less overwhelmed, as their lives become more predictable and less out of control, they feel less of a need to exert control over food. (Page 168)

Simplifying Dinner (Page 170)

Family dinners get much simpler when they’re predictable: Monday pasta night, Tuesday rice night, Wednesday soup, and so on. By suggesting this system, do I have Mom or Dad (or whoever cooks) in mind? Well, yes, regular meals make preparation easier. But I recommend the practice mainly because it is so deeply grounding and affirming for kids. (Page 170)

There can be variation within each night’s staple; pasta night could include a range of possibilities. But you are not staging a new Broadway production, from concept to performance, every night. (Page 171)

Sleep and Pressure Valves (Page 174)

How can you help your child release the pressure of their day? I think there should be at least two, hopefully three or four such “pressure valves” built into the day’s routines. (Page 176)

Sleep is the ultimate rhythm. Everything your child does and who they will be are affected by their sleep or lack of it. Low self-esteem? Too little sleep is one of the first things I look for. (Page 180)

the performance gap caused by just one hour’s less sleep was equivalent to the normal gap between a sixth-grader and a fourth-grader. In other words, your sixth-grader who’s going to school sleepy may be learning (and behaving) at a fourth-grade level. 6 (Page 180)

my experience, most children between two and six need eleven hours of sleep. From ages six to eleven, some kids can do well with ten hours, but that number will go up again—to eleven or even twelve hours—during adolescence. Unfortunately, most kids don’t get anywhere near these numbers. Half of all adolescents get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights. According to studies conducted by the University of Kentucky, by the time they are seniors in high school, kids average only slightly more than six and a half hours of sleep a night. 7 (Page 180)

Bedtimes should be some of the family’s most inviolable rhythms. I counsel a twenty-minute window—ten minutes grace on either side of an otherwise fixed time. (Page 180)

Bedtime Stories (Page 181)

Stories are wonderful pressure valves. (Page 181)

Stories affect the way children learn to narrate their own lives, and influence the stories they will tell themselves. Einstein once said, “If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.” (Page 181)

Children need to nurture themselves, and stories can help. Very powerful, healing balms, stories give children the strength and the images they need to make sense of their world. (Page 184)

Most of the answers a young child is looking for can be found through story. This is a good example of the difference between our worlds as children and adults. As adults, we sometimes assume a direct correspondence between our worlds. So we figure that communication in a difficult situation should be direct, and thorough. After all, with all of the facts at hand, anything can be understood. Yet children are not fully emerged in the world of facts, nor do they process information the same way we do. They need simple truths, plainly spoken, especially in response to their own questions. (Page 184)

With stories they have an arena for their own feelings and questions, a place to process the truth through their imaginations. (Page 185)

Imagine … your family’s days acquiring a sense of order, rhythm, and flow. difficult transitions being smoothed by reliable patterns. a growing sense of consistency in your home, and with it the joy of anticipation and the security of things that can be counted on daily. the opportunities for connection and moments of pause increasing as rhythms take hold. the security your child will feel having a mental picture of how their day will proceed. your child having a place in the tasks and rhythms of daily life, their roles growing as they do, from involvement toward independent mastery. family dinners becoming more regular, the food familiar and comforting, the connections evolving with repetition. having a family fortune of stories that you share. your family’s sense of identity growing along with the number of activities you do together. (Page 185)

FIVE • Schedules (Page 187)

First I’d like to make it very clear to you—as I did to her—that I’m all for kids being active, and engaged in all sorts of interesting pursuits. I don’t believe in childhoods spent in lotus positions: serene, quiet, and stress free. Children thrive on activity. My daughter’s highest praise for an afternoon well spent is “Before we knew it, Daddy, we were playing really hard!” We all delight to see a child flushed and happy, a little out of breath with damp curls pressed against their face, fully involved in something they love. (Page 188)

Overall there is less free time for kids today; as much as twelve hours a week less. (Page 189)

a healthy interest requires time and the ballast of leisure and other interests for it to deepen and endure. (Page 191)

Balance and control: These are the words that come to my mind when I think about overscheduled kids. Three words, actually: balance, control, and fertilizer. Children need free, unstructured time. They need time to do “nothing;” time to do handstands. Or to figure out a way to get the ice-cream truck to continue straight down the block without always turning at the corner. (Page 191)

Crop Rotation: Balanced Schedules (Page 192)

Activity and interaction are crucial, in balance. Just as rest nourishes action, vigorous activity feeds sleep; it also feeds the imagination. But a schedule that is 90 percent activities is out of balance. (Page 194)

The overscheduled child is like soil that has been constantly and exclusively cropped. Without rest and replenishment, without the deep roots of legumes to aerate and pull nutrients down into the soil, it becomes compacted, a dust bowl. (Page 195)

If we honor the importance of unscheduled time—of kids doing “nothing,” but on their time and terms—then we’re on our way. We’ll open up their schedules, simplify. When we see a free afternoon as a glorious opportunity— (Page 195)

time for them to build inner resources—energy, preferences, interests, resiliency— (Page 196)

The Gift of Boredom (Page 196)

Let your kids be bored. Let them be. Sometimes in my lectures I write up a “prescription” for parents: “Boredom. To be allowed three times a day, preferably before meals.” It’s ridiculous, I know. But sometimes it’s easier to make a leap with some sort of official “okay,” and I am willing to offer the okay, even if somewhat humorously. (Page 198)

Arousing and Calming: Balanced Schedules (Page 198)

The purpose of being aware, or recognizing what is arousing and calming to your child, is to avoid the overstimulation that can string them out, or derail them in the same way that a big dose of sugar and caffeine derails them in the short-term. By working toward some balance in Emily’s schedule, Sarah was not trying to avoid stimulation so much as overstimulation. (Page 200)

Sabbath Moments (Page 201)

It was very often a “family day,” whether that meant the immediate family, or a bigger, extended family group sitting down for supper. Many people avoided commerce, and the work of the week was put aside. (Page 202)

Anticipation (Page 204)

When we allow this “on-demand” mentality to color our children’s perspectives and schedules, then they lose the gift of anticipation. The joy of waiting. The passion of expectation. (Page 206)

we pull back on scheduling, a child can see something coming up; they can literally “look forward” to it. This allows anticipation to build. And anticipation is more than a simple pleasure. It is identity building. (Page 206)

Anticipating gratification, rather than expecting or demanding it, strengthens a child’s will. Impulsivity, wanting everything now, leaves the will weak, flaccid. As a child lives with anticipation, as it strengthens over time, so too does their sense of themselves, their ego. It’s ironic, isn’t it? (Page 206)

Anticipation holds back the will; it counters instant gratification. It informs a child’s development and growth and builds their inner life. A dad once listened to me say much of this and added, “Yes, plus, any activity your kid looks forward to automatically has more ‘bang for the buck’!” (Page 207)

Seeds of Addiction (Page 208)

what concerns me most about overscheduling—as with other aspects of “too much, too early, and too fast”—are its effects on development, and on how a young child forms their identity. (Page 208)

What also grows in such a culture? Addictive behaviors. You can see the shadow of overscheduling in this definition of addiction given by my colleague Felicitas Vogt: “an increasing and compulsive tendency to avoid pain or boredom and replace inner development with outer stimulation.” (Page 208)

Ordinary Days (Page 209)

ordinary allows for the exceptional, but not the reverse. Given ordinary opportunities and encouragement, a truly exceptional talent will surface. But interests—even strong interests and abilities—often burn out when they’re pushed too hard, too fast, too young. (Page 210)

“How was your day?” When your child answers “Regular,” or “Average,” do you feel a sense of disappointment? Even if your day, too, was quite ordinary? Ordinary days are the sustaining notes of daily life. They are the notes that allow high notes to be high and low notes to be low; they provide tone and texture. If a child’s happiness is not hinged on the high notes—not hinged on exceptional events or having exceptional talents—then they have a true gift. An exceptional character. They may be able to live their life with an appreciation for the moment, for the simple pleasures of an ordinary day. Can you imagine anything better? (Page 211)

Sports (Page 211)

The understandable outcome of this push toward professionalism—or, the “too much, too fast, and too young” of sports—is burnout. (Page 213)

Kids just want to play. It’s simple, isn’t it? It usually starts out that way, at least. Many families become involved in youth leagues—turning their schedules inside out, giving up family dinners, evening and weekend time—because they believe sports programs to be safe, regulated, refereed, and skill-building venues for play. (Page 213)

want to clarify that I’m not against organized sports or martial arts for children; I am against the too-much-of-it, and far-too-young way we’ve embraced it. When I speak of the problems with early sport, I’m referring to children younger than ten or eleven years old who are playing formal team sports or engaged in martial arts and training more than twice a week. (Page 214)

When kids younger than ten or eleven become occupied with organized sports, especially to the exclusion of time for free, unstructured play, that involvement can cut crudely across their progression through a variety of play stages that are vitally important to their development. (Page 214)

In play, children freely negotiate the rules, are actively involved in the social process, learning as they make their way. In sport, the rules already exist, and children instead learn how to play within predetermined boundaries. (Page 215)

So much of imagination is mental picture making. Free play requires forming a “picture” of what’s possible, a pictorial answer to the proverbial “Whattayawannado?” question. But in play there are also many possible outcomes. (Page 216)

Because play is self-created and self-motivated it has great flexibility. (Page 217)

Yet, children construct their worldviews through play. Organized sports can present a “packaged world” of set rules and procedures to very young children, rather than a world of their own making. We’ve underestimated free, unstructured play. As a society we’ve discounted the developmental riches involved in what kids do naturally. Self-directed play builds multiple and emotional intelligences. It fosters the skills necessary to navigate an uncertain future, one that will demand increasing flexibility and creative problem solving. Play is not an old-fashioned thing of the past. Unstructured play—and plenty of it—is a developmental necessity for kids. Some might say now more than ever. (Page 217)

As a child reaches toward double digits—eight, nine, and ten—they’re coming out of the “let’s pretend” play stage and into “game playing.” This is a sensitive time developmentally. Hopefully, they’ve made their way through the play stages of early childhood: solitary, parallel, and “let’s pretend.” They are letting go of imaginary roles and beginning to forge their own rules, make their own games. This period is a foundry for emotional intelligence; in dynamic social interaction a child learns much about impulse control and cooperation. Having had the time to fully explore the imaginary, a child can begin to bridge their view of what is possible with what is. Having been free to imagine, a child can begin to channel that power into more set constructs. At this age they really are beginning to be ready to learn how to “play the game.” (Page 218)

The confines of organized sports can impose too much structure at too young an age, hindering a child’s progress through the developmental stages of play. This is especially a shame if a child “swears off” sports as they’re approaching and in adolescence, just when organized sports have so much to offer developmentally. (Page 219)

The younger the child, the more free time he or she needs. These needs may not be felt by the kids themselves, especially by those who’ve grown accustomed to heavily scheduled days. But balance, like pace and endurance, are essential over the long run. (Page 221)

Certainly parental pacing is less important as children reach adolescence. (Page 222)

Imagine … your child having time every day—unscheduled free time—to daydream and play. what your child could do with the occasional “gift” of boredom. what can develop when a child has time to dream: the joy of anticipation, and a greater depth of meaning and feeling. consciously balancing some of your child’s crazier days with calmer ones. appreciating the pleasure of the ordinary. your child’s worldview building from a deep well of unregulated, improvised, flexible free play. how well such years of general physical activity will serve your child as he/ she moves into organized sports. appreciating that genuine interests and abilities take time to form and that those developed over time (not pushed or hurried) are more likely to become lifelong pleasures. what a lifelong gift you will bestow by gently insisting on, and modeling, the importance of downtime and balance in daily life. (Page 223)

SIX • Filtering Out the Adult World (Page 225)

I believe that simplifying a child’s daily life is one of the best ways to restore a sense of balance in parenting. By simplifying their toys and environment, their schedules, and the sense of rhythm and regularity in the home, you allow them the grace to be a child. (Page 228)

In this chapter we’ll look at important ways to continue the process of simplifying by erecting filters to prevent a child’s world from being deluged with adult information, pressures, and concerns. (Page 228)

We’ll learn the value of not sharing, of the freedom they gain when they’re not privy to our fears, drives, ambitions, and the very fast pace of our lives. When anxiety is not allowed to pollute the atmosphere of our homes, we breathe easier as well. Our grip, as parents, relaxes. We’ll consider the overall picture of our parental involvement with our children. We’ll look at the enormous pressures society brings to bear on parents today, pressures that have turned parenting into a competitive sport. Pressures that have prompted many parents into “helicopters,” to hover over their children, ever vigilant, held aloft by the fuel of anxiety. (Page 228)

Houseguests (Page 229)

Simplifying Screens (Page 231)

A critical step in simplifying your children’s daily lives is to simplify the “screens” in your home: television (the one that still monopolizes most of our free time), computers, video games, and handheld electronic devices. Because screens are so much a part of our lives, this step is not the place to start, especially if you are an inveterate news junkie or if screens are everywhere in your home. But once you’ve begun simplifying, once you’ve seen how your children relax into themselves when they’re not overloaded, you’ll be anxious to take this very effective and liberating step. It is one of the most critical changes you can make to safeguard their childhoods and ease your anxieties. And it is one of the most rewarding ways to simplify daily life. (Page 232)

Of these three critical forms of interaction, television provides none. For our littlest ones, neurodevelopmentally speaking, the “rewards” side of the television equation seems to be blank. Since 1999, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has recommended that children under two years of age watch no television, and that children over two limit their viewing. 4 In 2008, France banned its broadcasters from airing TV shows aimed at children under three years of age, stating: “Television viewing hurts the development of children under three years old and poses a certain number of risks, encouraging passivity, slow language acquisition, over-excitedness, troubles with sleep and concentration, as well as dependence on screens.” 5 (Page 234)

For families with children ages seven and under, I counsel doing without the television. I do so for three reasons: 1) Because I feel strongly that its negative, long-lasting effects far outweigh its benefits to young children; 2) its absence greatly supports the goals of simplification (less overwhelm, consumerism, and sense of entitlement); and 3) based on my experience, dispensing with television is not as hard as most families fear it will be. (Page 240)

The “babysitting” effect of television is important, I’ll grant you, especially when it means the difference between a shower, or a load of laundry, that wouldn’t otherwise get done. (“ Yes! At last he’s making some sense!” you may be saying.) But the long-term reality is this: The rich and diverse habits your children will develop without television will serve them well throughout their lives. It will also simplify your parenting enormously over the long haul. Without automatically “tuning in” for something to do (or Googling the answer to any question), your kids will find deep inner wells of creativity and resourcefulness. Better, more reliable babysitters don’t exist. (Page 241)

Involvement (Page 243)

Base Camp (Page 244)

No parent needs to be convinced of the tremendous growth that takes place in the first three years of life. A baby usually achieves a weight four to five times that of their birth weight, and doubles in length. By the end of its second year, a baby’s brain weighs three-quarters of an adult’s brain weight, though it is twice as active as an adult’s and will remain so until puberty. The baby’s neurons become larger and more powerful, growing axons and dendrites, so by the time a child reaches three, each neuron has formed as many as ten thousand connections. That’s about a quadrillion—give or take a few—or roughly double the number of connections that are seen in an adult brain. (Page 245)

The security of your child’s attachment, and the strength of your bond, will be their base camp for an entire childhood of exploration. (Page 246)

Without a firm attachment to a loving caregiver, a child can suffer from chronically elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol is a neural hijacker, bullying out learning and other functions to make room for its floods. (Page 246)

When we let our fears overshadow our trust, we’re abandoning the base camp, trying to “go with” our children. Picking up stakes, we’re dismantling what they really need, and boarding the helicopter. But base camps aren’t transient; they aren’t portable. (Page 247)

Helicopter Parenting (Page 247)

When a new mother is nursing, she begins to notice how her diet—yesterday’s onion soup or very garlicky mashed potatoes—affects her milk. A morning spent with a fussy, colicky baby will make her think twice before pulling out leftovers for lunch. An emotional diet high in fear and sensationalism can be transmitted to our children, too. (Page 249)

The “corporate parent” holds a metaphorical image of their family as a corporation, or a corporate team. Decisions are made on the basis of a mythical “bottom line.” What must be expended to get the desired results? And just what are the desired results? The ultimate goal is a “product launch”: the launching of their child into the world. (Page 254)

The “little buddy parent” (which morphs, as a child gets older, into the “best friend parent”) sees no separation between their world—their adult conversations and activities—and their children’s. They invite their children’s involvement in decisions; they expend a lot of time and ever so many words on justifications mainly to avoid one word: no. Often this lack of boundaries speaks to a kind of loneliness. Some parents are so focused on their children, and isolated from adult friendships, that they seek a more equal, friendship-based relationship from their kids. The little buddy parents often want their children to be adults, or, better still, they themselves want to be children again. (Page 254)

The “clown parent” feels the need to be “larger than life,” an entertainer. They believe that childhood, in fact, needs to be “larger than life,” a sort of ever-expanding carnival of delights. There is great love behind this image, but also exhaustion. (Page 255)

Here is a critical point: There is tremendous love behind all these forms of overinvolvement. Hyperparenting may stem from an overbearing love, one that doesn’t fully respect (or sometimes acknowledge) a child’s independence. Yet out of love we can also choose to back off from overinvolvement. Love is also the way out. We can change direction and vary the steps in our parent-child dance. We can learn to allow our children their own tasks, decisions, conflicts, relationships, and emotional lives. We can provide the kind of stability and security that they will internalize, a base camp that doesn’t move. This archetypal base camp will be their own strength of character, their own resiliency. (Page 255)

Backing Off—Talk Less (Page 255)

We often bathe our children in words. By keeping a running commentary on everything they do, we mean to assure them that we’re noticing. Yet the more we’re talking, the less we are really noticing. (Page 256)

As her father, I don’t have to make every moment a “teaching moment,” or even a “special moment.” I can often just notice. (Page 257)

When we talk over and under and around a child—when we talk too much—there’s less space for their thoughts, for what they have to say. A child’s curiosity and creativity are stifled when they believe that something is not “real” unless, or until, you talk about it. It’s hard for a child to go down deeply into their play when someone is telecasting their every move. Processed information is like processed food: quick and easy. We often fly into soliloquies, overexplaining, and predigesting every experience for our kids. (Page 257)

Adult Topics (Page 259)

Many parents “flashbulb” their children with too much of their own adult concerns, their own unprocessed thoughts and feelings. I worry sometimes that we’ve let our guards down as a society, talking to children too openly about too much. When we let children in on too much information—adult verbal and emotional clutter—it rushes them along, pushing them ahead without a foundation. (Page 260)

Some parents want to be an open book to their children; they equate honesty with full disclosure. By its very nature, though, respect requires some distance and separation. (Page 260)

Yet despite their questions and curiosity, children need boundaries to feel secure and free. They need to know, and to be reminded, that some things are for adults to discuss; they are not for kids to hear, or to comment on. Children need to see your self-restraint, your confidence in meeting your own world. With security and freedom they can begin to find their own inner voice. They can begin to develop their own ability to self-direct, to work things out internally. This is the genesis of self and morality: the development of an inner voice. And in order to develop—to strengthen and be heard—a child’s inner voice cannot be drowned out by unprocessed adult thoughts, feelings, and concerns. (Page 260)

Do You Love the Times You Live In? (Page 262)

Too much information does not “prepare” a child for a complicated world; it paralyzes them. (Page 262)

our adult anxieties and concerns should not be the atmosphere, a haze of too much information, that they breathe. Children need to know that theirs is a good world. They need to feel that, sheltered by those they love, they are where they should be. They have a place, in a time and a world of hope and promise. (Page 263)

One aspect of talking less is realizing that what children mainly hear, in your wash of words, is the current of emotion running through them. And what they understand, more than the details, or any words we could possibly use, are our actions. When we speak of others with respect—whether it’s our mother, bus driver, the president, or the man at the checkout stand—no explanations or distinctions are necessary. (Page 265)

True, Kind, Necessary (Page 266)

True. Gossip and hearsay will fail the first filter every time. This filter alone is worth its weight in gold. By asking ourselves if something is true before we say it, we also notice how often we pass off exaggeration, opinion, and supposition as truth. (Page 267)

Kind. Is it kind? If what you are about to say has passed the first filter—it is true—it must still pass a test of compassion: Is it kind? Some things that are true still do not need to be said, if doing so would be hurtful. (Page 267)

Necessary. I think of this as the verbal “clutter” filter. Is what I am about to say necessary? (Page 268)

Backing Off—Work Together (Page 269)

importance, for couples and children, of each parent taking fairly exclusive responsibility for several aspects of daily life. That doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t have some areas of shared responsibility, and spend time together with daily life tasks. But the work of child care can expand to fill most every crevice. And for one person to really get a break, to really let go of a task mentally and physically, the other must do it consistently, with no need for requests or reminders. (Page 272)

Backing Off—Less Emotional Monitoring (Page 273)

One way to back off from parental overinvolvement is to allow a child more leeway and privacy with their own feelings. By imposing our emotions on them less, we allow our children to develop their own emotions, and their awareness of them. Rather than taking their emotional temperature frequently with probing questions, we can allow our instincts to guide us more when they are quite young. We can be available, and willing, to listen. Follow their lead as to what and how much they want to express. Trust that our instincts will tell us when there is much more involved emotionally than they are able or willing to say. Usually, your consistent willingness to listen is what they need. It offers both the help and the trust they need to feel their emotions, and to slowly become aware of them. To begin to recognize them. As a part of themselves. The selves they are slowly (with freedom and grace) becoming. (Page 276)

Backing Off—Into Sleep (Page 277)

Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you. This simple exercise is like a spiritual corrective lens. In your vision of your kids, it helps restore the prominence of “who they are” over “what they need to do” or “what they need to work on.” (Page 279)

Imagine … feeling calmer, safer, and less anxious as a parent. maintaining your emotional well-being as a goal, and taking steps to reduce your exposure to media that profit from fear and sensationalism. your child’s early years, without television. how engagement and connection—rather than passive “entertainment”—will feed your child’s imagination, enrich their play. your child not being exposed to thousands of commercials and violent TV shows while they are young. your child not being privy to, or involved in, adult issues and problems. the sense of calm increasing in your home. that by emphasizing connection and increasing the regularity of daily life while your child is young, you are building a “base camp” of security that will serve them into adulthood. that you increase your chances of being heard when you talk less. being able to back off overinvolvement as your partner increases their involvement in the daily tasks of parenting; or stepping up and becoming more involved, so your partner can experience and project more ease as a parent. what is said at home becoming kinder, truer, and more necessary. feeding your dreams with a rich appreciation of the present. (Page 279)