Skip to content
Read • Question • ConnectAnthony’s notes & researchReturn with a new question
Anthony’s NotesA personal field guide
From the notebook

The Confident Parent

Jane Scott, Stephanie Land

Book Cover

My Summary

Main Ideas, Takeaways & Similarities

Questions

I. What is the problem?
A. How is this problem formulated?
B. Why is this problem important?
C. What is the history of this problem?
D. Which prominent personalities have been interested in this problem?

II. What solutions to the problem are there?
A. What are the conclusions reached?
B. By what argument(s) is the conclusion reached?
C. What facts or assumptions serve as premises?
D. When a prominent personality offers a solution, does he also argue for or against other prominent personalities? Does he raise objections to alternative solutions? Does he consider objections to his own solutions?

III. Evaluation
A. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the alternative formulations to the problem?
B. Has the importance or history of the problem ever been misrepresented?
C. Are the solutions logically related to the premises?
D. Are the facts true? Are the assumptions acceptable? Are the objections answerable?

AI Summary

Highlights

The Confident Parent

Author: Jane Scott
Category: Books
Genre: Parenting

Introduction

  • The goal is not to be a perfect parent, but a more optimistic, confident, lighthearted and fearless one.
  • Much of the world has a more optimistic parenting outlook than the fear-based parenting common in America.
  • American parenting is leading to epidemic levels of stress and anxiety in both parents and children.
  • Key principles: Mothers don’t need to be with young children all day, marriages are as important as child-rearing, children are resilient, parents’ needs matter too, picky eating is learned, being too careful is possible, interaction matters more than opportunities.

Chapter 2

  • Fevers are the body’s way of fighting infection and aren’t worrisome under 102F if no other symptoms. Treat to make the child comfortable.

Chapter 3

  • Motor skills drive cognitive development in infants. Stimulate all 5 senses and allow plenty of free movement.
  • Flat head syndrome from too much time restrained can delay development. Give babies tummy time and freedom to move and explore.
  • Limit screens under age 2. Interact with your baby and include them in your daily activities to stimulate their senses and development.

Chapter 4

  • It takes a village - parents shouldn’t have to do it all alone. Involve family, friends, caregivers to help raise children.
  • Quality time matters more than quantity, except in adolescence. Some separation is good for kids’ social skills.
  • Parents’ stress and fatigue impacts children. Take time for yourself, your marriage, and model a balanced life.

Chapter 5

  • Teach babies to fall asleep on their own from the start by putting them down drowsy but awake. Be consistent.
  • Some crying while learning to self-soothe is okay if baby isn’t sick or in pain. Check on them but avoid picking up.

Chapter 7

  • Make mealtimes positive family social events. Eat together as a family.
  • Avoid catering to picky eaters - offer a variety and have everyone eat the same foods. Keep trying new foods.
  • Get kids involved in meal planning and prep. Make it fun and mix it up sometimes.
  • Most kids can eat anything after 4-6 months. Introduce common allergens early.

Chapter 8

  • Limit rules and be consistent. Ask for what you want, not what you don’t. Offer choices.
  • When kids act out, ask why and address underlying frustrations. Stay calm, talk it through after cooling off.
  • Remove audience for tantrums. Calmly give a clear no with reasons for big things. Help them move on.
  • Aggressive kids need gentle talks to understand underlying issues. Testing limits is normal, interrupt calmly and express disappointment.

Chapter 9

  • Give kids freedom to take reasonable risks, make decisions, and learn from failures. It builds creativity, innovation, courage, confidence.
  • Limit screen time, especially under 2. Encourage free play outdoors every day. Think “home free” and baby proof.
  • Allow reasonable risks and minor accidents - they teach important lessons. Don’t impose fear and overprotection.
  • Be fully present with your children, not distracted by devices. Your full attention matters most.

In summary, the book advocates for a more optimistic, village-supported, and less anxious approach to parenting that allows children reasonable freedom to explore, take risks, and learn from failures with the support of loving, confident parents. The keys are setting loving boundaries, asking why, and trusting kids’ resilience.

  • Chapter 1: A Fresh Perspective
    1. Many American parents today are overwhelmed with anxiety, stress and exhaustion in their parenting approach. This fear-based parenting is hurting both parents and children, leading to increased rates of various physical and mental health issues in kids1.
    2. Parents in many other countries have a more optimistic, relaxed parenting philosophy. They embrace principles that seem counterintuitive to many American parents, such as putting parents’ needs first sometimes and believing children are resilient1.
    3. The prevalence of arbitrary parenting rules and the constant media focus on rare tragic events has fueled paranoid, overprotective parenting in the U.S. The competitive, capitalistic nature of American society also contributes to parental anxiety1.
    4. To combat this fear-based parenting, parents need perspective. Terrible things happen to children much more rarely than we’ve been led to believe. A global, cross-cultural outlook can reduce unfounded fears1.
    5. Parents should adapt parenting techniques that fit the modern lives they actually lead, not blindly follow methods just because they seem more “natural.” The goal is for time spent with children to be relaxed, happy and free of constant worry1.
    In summary, the author argues American parents need to reject fear-based paranoid parenting, gain a more global perspective, and adopt a confident, optimistic approach for the wellbeing of both parents and kids. The key is fighting fear and trusting oneself.
  • Chapter 2: Caring for your Newborn—and Yourself how new parents, especially mothers, can approach the birth of their child and the postpartum period with confidence and minimal stress. Here are the main points:
    • Expectant parents are often bombarded with negative stories and warnings about how a new baby will disrupt their lives. The author advises deflecting this negativity and focusing on the positives.
    • During labor and delivery, the author recommends staying in the hospital as long as possible to rest and recover, meeting with a lactation consultant, and using the well-baby nursery if needed to get some sleep. Pain medication should only be taken if truly necessary.
    • After coming home with the baby, the author strongly advocates for mothers to have an extended “lie-in” period of several weeks where they can rest and bond with the baby without entertaining visitors or doing chores. Asking for and accepting extensive help from family during this time is key.
    • New mothers should take as much maternity leave as possible. Having family members stay to help with cooking, cleaning and even assisting with nighttime feedings can make a huge difference in allowing the mother to recover physically and emotionally.
    • Fathers should be encouraged to be highly involved from the beginning, including giving a bottle for some feedings, to promote bonding and set a pattern of equal parenting.
    • The cultural expectation that new mothers bounce back quickly and handle everything themselves is detrimental. Women should feel empowered to ask for the support they need without feeling judged as selfish. With proper help and recovery time, new parents can gain confidence and start family life on the right foot.
  • Chapter 3: Simple Ways to Boost Baby’s Brain
    • Babies’ cognitive and motor development is directly related to their environment in infancy, especially before their first birthday. Stimulating their five senses - sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste - is key to developing their cognitive potential to the fullest.
    • “Tummy time” is crucial for babies to build strength and allow sensory stimulation. Parents should make tummy time a priority every day starting from birth. Interact with the baby during tummy time to make it enjoyable.
    • Babies prefer looking at bold contrasting colors and patterns. Install baby-safe mirrors and pictures to draw their visual attention. Sing to them, as they love hearing their parents’ voices.
    • Avoid perfumes and scented products that mask natural smells babies love. Get them outdoors to smell flowers, foods, grass, etc.
    • Touch is critical - massage, caress and hold babies as much as possible to stimulate bonding and healthy development. Avoid keeping them confined in carriers, car seats and strollers for long periods.
    • The best toys are simple household objects and items from nature that stimulate the senses. Limit electronic media exposure, especially before age 2.
    • Parents don’t need to spend lots of money or schedule tons of activities. Just include the baby in your daily life, talk to them, and allow plenty of free movement and exploration. Small amounts of focused interaction is all that’s needed to boost their development in the first 3 years.
    In summary, parents can optimize their babies’ cognitive and motor development by consistently stimulating their five senses through simple, loving interactions and allowing ample opportunities for movement and exploration, especially in the critical first year of life. Expensive gear and classes are unnecessary.
  • Chapter 4: Gather Your Village
    1. Child-rearing is better as a group effort. Parents should not feel guilty about leaving their children in someone else’s care, whether for work, school, or personal time. Quality day care and preschool programs can be beneficial for children’s social development1.
    2. Parental stress, fatigue and guilt can negatively impact interactions with children. Taking time for oneself makes one a better, more attentive parent. Having a life beyond one’s kids is good for the whole family, including the parental relationship1.
    3. To ease stress and guilt, parents should acknowledge what they do well, pursue their own needs and interests, and prevent separation anxiety in children by exposing them early on to other caregivers1.
    4. Prioritizing quality time with children over household chores is key. The mood and attention during the time spent together matters more than the number of hours1.
    5. American parents need to build their own “villages” of support, since social programs are lacking compared to other countries. This starts with establishing a fair division of labor at home between partners1.
    6. Reaching out to one’s community, friends and family for help with child care should be encouraged, not stigmatized. Parents cannot and should not try to do everything themselves1.
    In summary, the excerpt argues that sharing the load of parenting, both within and outside the family, is crucial for maintaining parental well-being and providing a nurturing environment for children. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
  • Chapter 5: Sleep Through the Night! —Really!
    • How a baby learns to fall asleep in the first few days is how they will always want to fall asleep. Babies are creatures of habit.1
    • Many parents don’t follow their pediatrician’s advice when it comes to sleep training. Only about 30% consistently comply according to one study.1
    • The author recommends starting sleep training right away from birth. Whatever routine you use to put your baby to sleep as a newborn is what they will expect going forward.1
    • Set a goal for what you want your sleeping arrangements to be for the next few years. Decide if you want to be sharing a room/bed with your child long-term or not.1
    • Be consistent with the sleep routine from day one. Put the baby to bed while still awake but drowsy. Don’t let them fall asleep in your arms.1
    • If the baby cries, wait a minute before responding to see if they settle. If crying continues, check on them but put them back down awake.1
    • Common issues are the baby not getting enough milk/calories during the day or having reflux. Make sure they eat enough in the day and keep them upright if reflux is an issue.1
    • Swaddling, pacifiers, and soft music can help promote sleep when used correctly. Stop swaddling by 2 months and limit pacifier use after 1 year.1
    • If you need to sleep train an older baby, do it gradually by moving their bed further from yours over weeks. Be consistent and get help if needed.1
    In summary, the keys are starting a consistent sleep routine very early, encouraging babies to fall asleep on their own, and being patient but persistent with sleep training. This promotes good sleep habits long-term.
  • Chapter 6: Breastfeed (or Don’t) the Worry-Free Way
    • Breast milk is the most nutritious option for babies, providing essential nutrients, fats, and proteins that aid in development. However, some of the long-term health benefits may have been overstated in previous studies due to selection bias1.
    • Breastfeeding is not always easy and many common issues like flat nipples, engorgement, reflux, colic, lactose intolerance can make it challenging. Proper positioning, treatment of reflux, and dietary changes can help1.
    • Mothers should not feel guilty if they need to supplement with formula. Supplementing can actually improve long-term breastfeeding rates by providing an alternative when problems arise. Allowing others to bottle feed expressed milk or formula can also reduce stress on the mother1.
    • Feeding on demand can be very tiring for both mother and baby. Scheduled feedings every 2-3 hours allow the baby to feel full and rested. Feeding from both breasts for 8-10 minutes each provides the most milk1.
    • Maternal anxiety and stress can negatively impact the baby’s eating, sleeping and behavior. It’s important for mothers to seek help if they are overwhelmed1.
    • The author advocates for a flexible approach, getting support, and doing what works best for each family rather than rigidly adhering to the “breast is best” mantra. A happy, confident mother provides the best bonding experience1.
    In summary, while breastfeeding has many benefits, a practical approach that reduces maternal stress and guilt is most important for a positive experience. Supplementing when needed and scheduled feedings can make breastfeeding more manageable for modern lifestyles.
  • Chapter 7: Make Mealtimes Fun
    1. Children around the world are largely the same when it comes to food preferences, but it’s the menu and parenting that differs. Many American children become picky eaters due to cultural norms and parental anxiety around food1.
    2. To raise easy eaters, parents should:
      • Have family meals together at the table, with everyone eating the same foods1
      • Let babies watch you enjoy your food and make mealtimes a celebration1
      • Feed babies what you eat, not separate “kid foods”1
      • Keep offering new foods even if initially rejected1
      • Insist on good manners and avoid catering to individual preferences1
      • Involve kids in meal planning and preparation1
    3. Food allergies have increased, likely due to delaying introduction of allergenic foods. Early exposure (before 1 year) can actually reduce allergy risk1.
    4. Eating organic is less important than having an overall balanced diet of whole, unprocessed foods in reasonable portions. Some treats are fine in moderation1.
    5. Family mealtimes provide valuable social bonding and life lessons beyond just nutrition. Making the effort to cook and eat together has priceless long-term benefits for children’s health and wellbeing1.
  • Chapter 8: Slow Down to Discipline
    1. Many parents struggle with disciplining their toddlers and preschoolers, often resorting to yelling or punishments out of frustration. However, this is usually ineffective and can damage the parent-child relationship.
    2. Young children are not intentionally misbehaving to upset their parents. They are exploring their world and testing boundaries as part of normal development. Parents should try to understand the reasons behind challenging behaviors.
    3. To encourage good behavior, parents should:
    • Limit rules to the most important ones related to safety and respect
    • Be consistent in enforcing the rules
    • Tell children what you want them to do, not just what not to do
    • Offer limited choices to give some control
    • Ask children why they are upset or misbehaving
    1. When children misbehave, stay calm and avoid yelling or harsh punishments. Give them a chance to calm down, then discuss what happened and brainstorm better ways to handle frustration.
    2. Model the behavior you want to see. Children learn more from what parents do than what they say. Create a loving home environment and don’t stress over having a perfect family.
    3. Prioritize your expectations and let go of the small things that don’t really matter in the long run. This reduces power struggles. Save your energy for the most important issues.
    In summary, the keys to effective discipline are empathy, consistency, modeling good behavior, and choosing your battles wisely while maintaining a positive relationship with your child. Punishment is less effective than working with your child to understand and manage their emotions and behavior.
  • Chapter 9: Play!
    1. Many children today lack adequate unstructured playtime, especially outdoors, due to overprotective parenting, overscheduling, and increased screen time. This is detrimental to their development of motor skills, creativity, problem-solving, and social skills.1
    2. Free play, especially involving gross motor movement, is crucial for proper brain and body development in young children. Restricting movement and forcing kids to be sedentary for long periods may be contributing to increases in cognitive and behavioral disorders.1
    3. Many countries that outperform the U.S. academically actually allow children more playtime during the school day. Elevating study at the expense of free play is counterproductive.1
    4. Parents should minimize young children’s screen time, childproof the home environment to allow exploration with periodic supervision, and make an effort to have kids play outside every day.1
    5. Older children should be encouraged to take reasonable risks during play to learn their limits and develop confidence. Minor injuries are an important part of learning. Overprotecting children robs them of vital life lessons.1
    6. Increasing unstructured playtime and decreasing parental stress may help address many cognitive, behavioral and emotional problems in children today. Parents should embrace playtime for their children’s wellbeing.1
    In summary, the author argues that the loss of free, unstructured play in childhood, especially outdoors, is having significant negative impacts on children’s development and wellbeing. Reversing this trend is important for raising confident, capable and resilient kids.

1 A Fresh Perspective (Page 1)

I’M GOING TO start by telling you something you probably don’t hear enough: You are doing a great job. (Page 1)

I want you to let that sink in. I meet so many parents who beat themselves up because they believe they are letting their children down with their failures. (Page 1)

The goal of this book isn’t to make you a perfect parent. It’s to make you a more optimistic, confident, lighthearted, and fearless one. (Page 1)

While some families and cultures are stricter than others, in general I have found that parents living in or hailing from many other parts of the world seem to have a more optimistic outlook, firmly believing that with a stable environment and a nurturing family, the kids really will be all right. The end result of this approach is not only happy, healthy kids, but also happy, healthy parents. (Page 2)

Much has been written about how our American form of fear-based parenting is leading to epidemic levels of stress and anxiety, making mothers (and many fathers) feel crazy and miserable, but so far, knowing that anxiety is deleterious to our health hasn’t been enough to force us to change our parenting approach. But maybe this will: There is ample evidence that the way we parent today isn’t just hurting us—it’s hurting our growing children, physically and cognitively. (Page 3)

It is not natural for mothers to be with their young children all day and night. Nurturing a marriage or partnership is as important to child-rearing as nurturing the child. Children are strong and resilient—unless parents teach them not to be. Sometimes a parent’s needs must come first. Picky eating is learned, not innate. There is such a thing as being too careful. Raising successful children is about providing interaction, not just opportunities. (Page 5)

Fevers can cause brain damage if they get uncontrollably high. Some fever is the body’s way of fighting infection. A low-grade fever, even one lasting several days, is nothing to worry about if it is unaccompanied by other worrisome symptoms, like severe abdominal pain or earache. I counsel parents to treat children who have a fever of 102 ° F or are aged six months or more with acetaminophen or ibuprofen simply to help make their children more comfortable. Once a fever rises above that, even to 104 ° F, it still won’t permanently damage your child, but at that time she should absolutely be evaluated. (Page 12)

THE BIRTH OF FEAR-BASED PARENTING (Page 13)

In one study conducted by researchers at the University of California and New York University, it took only minutes for a child’s body to mimic his or her mother’s stress response—in the form of increased heart rate—on being placed in her arms. This suggests that when parents put themselves in a chronically anxious state, they’re putting their kids there, too. (Page 16)

THE RISKS—THEY’RE NOT WHAT YOU THINK THEY ARE (Page 18)

WHAT’S “NATURAL” IS WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU (Page 21)

Parents are supposed to be guides, not guards; mentors, not monitors. (Page 22)

2 Caring for Your Newborn—and Yourself (Page 23)

3 Simple Ways to Boost Baby’s Brain (Page 55)

if you really want to enhance your child’s cognitive capabilities, you have to focus your attention on enhancing both her motor skills as well as her cognitive skills. Motor function drives cognitive function; it is the stimulation of all the sense organs that actually develops the human infant brain. So to enhance cognitive development, you have to start with the five senses. And you should be doing it during infancy, long before your child is even able to walk. (Page 57)

Enhancing children’s sensory capabilities during the first year of life is crucial. All it takes is making a special yet small effort to regularly expose infants to different smells; pleasant sounds; and new shapes, textures, and colors. Especially important, it requires giving them plenty of freedom to move. Incredibly, that last part is sometimes more difficult than it seems. Though in our society children are rarely given a moment to slow down (more on overstimulation later), we actively discourage parents from allowing babies to move freely. Yet when we restrict free movement in infancy, we also run the risk of restricting a baby’s cognitive (and physical) potential. (Page 58)

WHY WE IMMOBILIZE OUR INFANTS (Page 59)

them. All in all, children started spending a significant amount of time with their heads resting against firm surfaces. (Page 60)

Because many parents tend to use the same arm every time they load their children into these carriers, so the children get placed in the same position again and again, their heads resting on the same side against their parents’ chest or back. (Page 60)

Infants with flat head syndrome are at risk for increased short-and long-term developmental delays. In addition, it’s being documented that babies with flat head can develop problems with their vision and hearing. (Page 61)

In fact, my conclusion is that the developmental delays being seen in the research data have less to do with the children’s head shape than with their being restrained and their general lack of movement and exercise. (Page 62)

BUILDING A BETTER BRAIN (Page 64)

Babies’ cognitive and motor development is directly related to their environment in infancy, especially before their first birthday. For example, when a baby’s head is severely flattened between the back and the ear on one side, the eye and the ear on that same side often move forward. When that happens, the baby starts to shift his eyes, looking first with one eye then the other; he may be unable to look at an object with both eyes together at the same time. (Page 64)

As brain growth slows down, the skull bones become firmer, and by six months old the skull is fairly firm and almost fully formed. At this point just repositioning is no longer a good treatment option, and babies with severe flat head are sometimes fitted for a helmet. Some get fitted even later. Unfortunately, it takes several months for the skull to reshape itself, and the longer the baby waits to get into the helmet, the longer it takes to fix the problem. (Page 65)

There’s a reason new mothers around the world routinely use traditional methods to ensure a round skull and build their babies’ strength, stamina, and flexibility as soon as possible. (Page 65)

TUMMY TIME (Page 66)

One of the first things you can do is make it a priority for your child to spend time every day flat on her stomach. (Page 66)

Make sure your baby does it early and frequently, starting immediately after coming home from the hospital. (Page 67)

You cannot begin this exercise too soon. (Page 67)

You can help your baby practice tracking during your tummy time sessions or just while you’re waiting for dinner to finish in the oven. (Page 70)

Not only can babies hear their parents’ voices but they can interpret them, too. As early as three months old, babies can differentiate between sad tones of voice and happy or neutral sounds. They will sometimes become fussy or stop feeding well when they hear anxiety or stress in their mothers’ voice. (Page 72)

A baby gauges her safety by the sounds she hears nearby, so it’s important to do our best to try to speak in gentle, reassuring tones when we’re around our little one. (Page 72)

Sing. Around the world, lullabies are remarkably similar in tone and structure. Babies love to hear their parents sing to them. Choose a classic or make up your own. Babies don’t care if you don’t have a great voice; they just want to hear you sing in a loving way! (Page 72)

Take time to get outside, even if it’s just to take a walk around the block or sit out on the stoop. Create opportunities for your baby to smell different things: (Page 74)

Some researchers are starting to think that our overreliance on strollers when children are of walking age is contributing to later tendencies toward low physical activity and weight gain. (Page 76)

Some carriers can also unnaturally position a child’s pelvis and hips. Baby wearing for short periods of time is a nice option, but once children are strong enough they need to walk and explore. (Page 76)

Ideally, whenever possible, your baby should be balanced on your hip if you’re standing or on your knee if you’re sitting. Don’t keep your child in his car seat while you’re waiting for an older sibling to get out of gymnastics class, even if he is perfectly content in it. Don’t leave him in his stroller. Pull him out and let him see his surroundings, feel your hands around his waist, and let him squeeze your fingers in his chubby fists. Not only will this help strengthen your baby’s back, improve his balance, and avoid flat head but it’s an easy opportunity to fit some bonding and play time into a busy schedule. (Page 76)

OTHER WAYS TO ENHANCE BABY’S SENSES (Page 77)

Babies love caresses and kisses, so indulge in every impulse to touch them. (Page 77)

Touch helps babies bond and interpret emotions. Studies have shown that touch stimulates physical and emotional health; without it, children wither. In fact, the interaction is critical during the first year of life. (Page 77)

Young children love to open and close boxes, put things into them and take them out. Or head right out in your own backyard or neighborhood park, where you can pick up toys for free. (Page 78)

Put sand in children’s hands, though, and watch them delight in the crumby feel of the grains, then giggle as their drool turns it into mud. They also enjoy feeling smooth stones and other items found in nature. A nontoxic flower, a branch, a shell—nature makes the best children’s toys in the world. (Page 78)

Make it a habit when your child is very young to put him on the floor with some interesting items and things to chew, and leave him be. You’ll have happier, easier children if you don’t resort to stimulating games and screens to keep them occupied most of their waking hours. Allow them to develop their sense of touch, taste, and smell, not just their sight, until their central nervous system is well developed at around age two. After that, you can introduce some small, carefully monitored media. Even better, watch their shows or play their games with them now and again so they can enjoy your being part of their entertainment. (Page 80)

No child left alone in front of a digital device is going to learn more than a child who interacts with another human being. (Page 81)

Studies have shown that young children who spend time in front of media at young ages have difficulty learning empathy. All it does is rob them of time they could have spent observing and exploring the world around them and learning to socialize with family and friends. (Page 81)

Keep Things Simple (Page 82)

Think small and easy. You don’t have to spend every minute interacting with your children or turn every experience into a sensory teaching moment to give them a head start during those first three years, nor do you need to enroll your kids in structured classes. (Page 82)

You don’t have to do more and spend more. Include your kids in your activities and what you do around the home. They are constantly learning when they are just doing their own thing by your side, like counting the carrot pieces as you make salad or filling and emptying a laundry basket again and again. If you really want to give your child a head start in life, don’t buy him a million toys. Toys won’t alter the trajectory of your child’s life. Getting him moving and stimulating his senses will. (Page 82)

4 Gather Your Village (Page 86)

Unfortunately, much of what makes America great, such as our independent spirit and relatively easy geographic mobility, puts parents at a global disadvantage in this regard. (Page 89)

when it comes to raising children and keeping a home running every day, parents are expected to tough it out on their own. Yet while we do owe it to our children to provide unconditional love, a safe, nurturing, play-filled environment, and to advocate for them when necessary, historically, it has never exclusively been a parent’s job to make a child successful. Until very recently, it was considered a shared responsibility. (Page 89)

CHILD-REARING IS BETTER AS A GROUP EFFORT (Page 90)

Siblings, grandparents, teachers, friends—everyone can and should play a role in shaping our children. Day-care programs and preschools, too. Much of the rest of the world knows this. (Page 90)

But in America, where a lack of publicly funded subsidies means the burden of paying for childcare or preschool falls squarely on parents’ backs, not even 50 percent of three-year-olds are enrolled in preschool, and the percentage goes up to only 69 percent once they turn four. And that helps explain why, in my experience, stay-at-home moms—who are often trying hardest to live up to the almost impossible American parenting ideal—are just as stressed out as their working peers. (Page 90)

A study published in the April 2014 issue of the Journal of American Marriage and Family—the first large-scale longitudinal study of its kind—reported that the amount of time spent with parents makes far less difference in the behavioral, emotional, or academic outcomes for children between the ages of three and eleven years than a mother’s income and level of education. (Page 91)

Tags: pink

The quality of the activities and emotional bonding that occurs between parents and children matters far more than the quantity of time they spend together, with one exception. It’s during adolescence, right when many parents start to loosen the reins and step out of their children’s lives, that the amount of “engaged time” parents spend with their kids makes a big difference. (Page 91)

Tags: pink

many young children who receive plenty of nurturing one-on-one time do not suffer ill effects from attending a quality day-care program or preschool or being with a trusted babysitter. In fact such time away from a parent helps these kids develop great social skills. (Page 91)

Tags: pink

Research shows that a child under the age of six whose time with a parent is mostly spent “watching TV or doing nothing” can actually have a “detrimental” effect on them. (Page 92)

FEELINGS ARE CONTAGIOUS (Page 93)

All that stress, fatigue, or guilt you might be carrying bleeds into your interactions with your children. A mother who is tired of being “on” is not going to be as attentive, patient, or even as much fun as one who regularly gets time to herself to rest, exercise, pursue her own interests or have an adults-only lunch with friends. (Page 93)

So having a life beyond your kids is good for you, and it’s good for kids. It’s also good for your relationship with your partner. You have to take the time to focus exclusively on each other, and not just occasionally, or you risk forgetting what it was that drew you together in the first place before kids. Just as children respond negatively when stress and anxiety pervade a home, they react positively when it’s filled with happiness and harmony. A home that’s run by parents who are still in love, who enjoy being together whether alone or with their children, is a great incubator for happy kids. And it’s a great incubator for parents, too, preparing them for the time when once again it’ll be just the two of them. For it’s not just our parenting standards that have risen; our expectations for what we should expect and achieve in all chapters of our lives has increased. (Page 94)

How to Ease Your Stress and Guilt (Page 95)

Acknowledge What You Do, and Don’t Knock Yourself for What You Don’t (Page 95)

Instead of berating yourself when you feel like you’re not living up to society’s image of the ideal parent, make a list of all the wonderful things you do for your children. (Page 95)

Pursue Your Own Needs and Interests (Page 95)

Be a good role model and show your kids that it’s possible to be a wonderful, loving parent and still work or be active in your community. (Page 95)

Prevent Separation Anxiety (Page 96)

Introduce other friends and family to baby’s world, let them hold him and play with him, and even better, allow a select few to babysit so you and your partner can go out on dates together. If you socialize as a family in friends’ homes, put your child to bed in their guest bedroom or let him bunk with your friends’ children. It’s all about well-planned exposure to different environments that enables a child to feel safe with different caretakers and even enjoy the opportunity to spend time with others free of your intervention. (Page 96)

PRIORITIZE (Page 98)

If you try to block the time you spend with your children from any other distractions, so you aren’t feeling pulled in several directions, your stress levels will go down. And then you’ll see your child’s stress levels go down. When he knows the time he spends with you is sacrosanct, he won’t feel like a low priority when you go away. (Page 99)

unnecessary strain parents put on themselves and their kids when they don’t prioritize and they don’t trust anyone else to care for their children. (Page 100)

HOW TO BUILD YOUR VILLAGE (Page 102)

“If a child grows up with the idea that only mom and dad are her community, then when she has a problem, if the parents cannot fix it, the child doesn’t have anybody else to turn to.” Then she adds an utterly simple yet, to American ears, utterly radical thought: “The parents alone are responsible for whoever the child becomes, and this is just too much to ask of just two people—or, many times, just one person.” (Page 103)

parents need to create their own villages to help them raise their children so their quality of life stays high even after they have kids; so they don’t feel like everything got turned upside down and they’re constantly behind; and so they are able to focus on their partners, their friends, and all the other people who matter to them. (Page 103)

START AT HOME (Page 103)

turn to your partner. (Page 103)

final item on her two boys’ daily chore chart was, “Ask ‘How can I help?’” It’s her way of teaching her kids to notice what other people are doing around them, and raising them to recognize that all the members of a household can work together to make it a home. (Page 106)

TURN TO YOUR COMMUNITY (Page 106)

There should be no shame in asking for help. There should be no shame in admitting that we may not be able to do everything ourselves. (Page 107)

Embrace good-quality day care, rely on your friendships, and delegate tasks whenever you can if that’s what it takes to keep you from feeling put-upon and overwhelmed. (Page 108)

5 Sleep Through the Night—Really! (Page 109)

I’d gently lay them in their cribs calm, clean, and well fed, with their eyes still open, and after one last kiss I would quietly leave. Instead of associating safety and sleep with constant motion and Mommy’s and Daddy’s arms, they learned it was safe and comfortable to sleep in their own beds until the next feed or the sun came up the next day—or until their big brother’s screams woke them up. (Page 110)

Babies are creatures of habit, and how a baby learns to fall asleep in her first few days is how she will always want to fall asleep. (Page 111)

A recent study from the University of Michigan found that only about 30 percent of parents consistently comply with their pediatrician’s advice, and only 18 percent follow their pediatrician’s instructions when it comes to sleep training! (Page 111)

CIO is uncomfortable for both parents and babies, but it is not immoral. Long bouts of crying, even a few hours’ worth, will not cause lasting psychological damage or hurt a child’s ability to bond with his parents, as some critics claim. (Page 116)

is not cruel to let your child cry while learning to sleep on his or her own. CIO is not, however, and as Ferber has repeatedly insisted, appropriate for every child. A child suffering from reflux or feeding intolerance is in pain and can’t self-soothe. It would be wrong to expect a baby who is sick to go back to sleep without being comforted. (Page 117)

Dr. Jane’s Really Simple Steps to Easy Sleep (Page 120)

Start Early (Page 120)

Set a Goal (Page 120)

Buy a Bassinet before You Bring Baby Home (Page 123)

Be Consistent (Page 124)

Watch for the Moment (Page 125)

After each feeding, watch for the moment when your baby has had his fill and appears to be ready to close his eyes and go to sleep. (Page 125)

6 Breastfeed (or Don’t) the Worry-Free Way (Page 139)

7 Make Mealtimes Fun (Page 162)

meal times were going to be fun social events, not battlegrounds. (Page 164)

HOW WE RAISE PICKY EATERS (Page 165)

do so many elementary-school children in this country refuse to eat vegetables or subsist on an entirely white-food diet? The most likely answer is that it’s a matter of culture and learned behavior. (Page 166)

When it comes to food, many parents take the easy way out, and picky eating is the end result. Parents cave under the pressure and end up catering to the child’s preference for starchy, fatty, or bland foods because it’s easier than fighting it, then shrug with embarrassment when their nine-year-old won’t try anything new. (Page 167)

FIRST FOODS (Page 169)

Each month or so, I like to add foods that have more texture, so that by the time babies are ten to twelve months old they are feeding themselves and eating almost all the same foods as the rest of the family. Infants can eat a full meal before they have their teeth, though they do need to have their foods cut up into tiny pieces for them. (Page 169)

months: Now things start to get interesting. Once your baby can sit up supported in a high chair, you should start by placing four to six soft, pea-size pieces of food on her tray or a small plate and let her play with it. It’s best to start with things like cooked soft pieces of vegetables and chopped natural fruits. Don’t be afraid to introduce foods with nice strong flavors like tomatoes and zucchini. In between baby’s finger feeding, you can spoon-feed her with mashed foods, like potato, sweet potato, and cereals, until she has had enough. Go ahead and allow her to smush her food around and get it stuck between her fingers. This is how babies learn. You may be surprised how much of the food makes it into her mouth. Once her tray is clear and she still seems to want to eat, place some more choices on it. (Page 170)

Don’t try to feed your baby entirely by yourself. Let her practice. She’ll do great if she can model the rest of the group. Offer foods off your own plate so your children learn to enjoy what you enjoy. (Page 171)

7 months: At this age, you can introduce white meats such as chopped cooked chicken, white fish, turkey, pork, and ham. (Page 171)

8 months: By now infants can handle ground meats, such as beef and lamb. In many British and European homes, eight-month-olds eat kidneys and liver, either cooked or in the form of pâté. Go ahead and try it! Organ meats are incredibly nutritious and delicious when properly prepared. Don’t worry, your child won’t need her teeth to eat—her gums are very strong and effective for chomping. (Page 171)

9 to 12 months: Now we’re having fun. This is when I usually like to introduce dairy. The dairy department in the United States has exploded in recent years, so enjoy experimenting with all manner of cheeses, full-fat yogurts, puddings, and custards. And don’t forget cooked eggs! (Page 171)

DR. JANE’S TIPS FOR RAISING AN EASY EATER, GLOBAL STYLE (Page 172)

All Together Now (Page 172)

As soon as you start introducing solids, make sure that you or whoever is taking care of your child during the day brings him to the table to eat. (Page 172)

If you’re accustomed to eating on the fly or takeout or on your feet, start taking steps to change your habits now, before your child knows any different, so that he will learn to enjoy a good mealtime experience at an early age. (Page 173)

feed your child what you eat, and feed him when you eat. Too often parents feed their children separately from the rest of the family. We’ll feed them before we feed ourselves, often so we can get them to bed at an appropriate hour, and then take some quiet time over a real meal when a spouse or partner gets home from work. (Page 173)

Eating is supposed to be social and pleasurable, a time when people are meant to bond, share, talk, and relax. (Page 173)

The importance of the communal meal is not just about modeling healthful eating habits, although it’s an important part of that lesson. It’s about bringing people together. (Page 174)

When even the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends a minimum of twenty minutes for eating lunch, it’s clear that from a very young age we are being taught that food is fuel and that it needs to be ingested quickly. Not family or friendship, not a chance to practice good manners, not downtime, not pleasure. Yet the secret to raising healthy, adventurous, easy eaters is to incorporate all of those lessons into our mealtimes, and they have to be instilled long before children start attending school. (Page 175)

Focus and Celebrate (Page 175)

Treat mealtimes as a celebration. (Page 175)

merely means that mealtimes should be regular and everyone in the house at that time should have expectations that they will join together at the table to eat. No standing at the kitchen counter eating over a napkin. No eating over the laptop while a child eats in front of the TV or swipes an iPad. This is a perfect moment for everyone to step back from the busyness of life. Let your brain and body rest. For at least thirty minutes or, even better, an hour, everyone’s attention should be focused on the food and the people sharing it. (Page 175)

Let your baby watch you enjoy your food. Talk to your child and everyone else at the table while you eat. Make the whole eating thing look like fun! If there’s one thing babies are really good at, it’s noticing when other people are enjoying themselves. Inevitably, they’re going to want to try doing that fun thing, too. Prime them to anticipate their meals, and the whole process of introducing new foods will be accepted without question. As I recommended in earlier chapters, think about how you want life to look when your children are older. (Page 176)

Let Them Eat What You Eat (Page 176)

All you need is a food processor and a few ice cube trays. For purees, throw the food in a food processor and blend until smooth, adding a little water, low-salt broth, or milk until it reaches the right consistency. Place any leftovers in your ice cube trays and put them in the freezer until you’re ready to use. (Page 176)

Try, Try Again (Page 178)

once your baby is close to a year old you can offer anything and everything. (Page 178)

However, if baby doesn’t love something, be nice. Don’t call much attention to it and if it is something you like to eat, keep making it, and keep offering small amounts to your child every time you do. Throwing in a comment on how much you enjoy it is always helpful. Make an effort to accompany it with something that you know your child does enjoy. If it takes a while for your child to appreciate the dish, don’t stress, and definitely don’t give up. When he does finally eat it, a nice compliment will be in order! (Page 178)

If your child refuses to eat, calmly clear the table when everyone else is finished and move on to the next part of the day. Make sure you do not reward him for refusing his meal by offering him a snack. Offer drinks of water, but make him wait until the next meal to eat, even if it is overnight. When your child is actually hungry, I promise you he will eat. (Page 179)

If you are out visiting and someone offers your child something new to eat, you might let him know that you enjoy this food and that it would be great for him to try it. Whatever you do, don’t beat your child to the punch by explaining that it’s something he’s unlikely to enjoy. (Page 179)

Teach your children to assume that food will taste good unless they’re proven wrong. (Page 179)

Insist on Manners (Page 179)

Every time we allow children to complain about the food they’re served, we’re allowing them to disrespect the person who took the time to make it. At the family table, it is acceptable to respectfully express one’s preferences for one dish over another. (“ Dad, I like that casserole with the rice better than this one.” Not, “Ew, what is this stuff?”) At anyone else’s table, it is not acceptable. Teach children to eat what they’re served with a smile. If you’re going to someone’s home for dinner, ask your child to please be polite and nice about the food even if it is not his or her favorite. (Page 179)

would not advise that you take snacks for your child. This might just facilitate the unsocial behavior and feel somewhat rude to the host. If you’re not given the option to suggest a dish, let your child eat whatever he finds palatable, even if it’s just a dinner roll or spoonful of rice, encourage him to be polite to the host, and feed him something light when you get home. Make it clear that these are special circumstances and that he shouldn’t expect to eat a separate meal from the family on a regular basis. (Page 180)

The good news is, when kids have been primed since they were tiny to anticipate that food generally tastes good, they’ll usually be excited to see what gets served for dinner no matter where they are, and they’ll probably enjoy it. (Page 180)

Don’t Customize (Page 181)

other than easy adaptations like these that take no additional effort on your part, everyone at the table should be eating the same thing. Why? First, no parent should ever be reduced to short-order cook. (Page 181)

Second, customizing everyone’s meal diminishes the power of the bonding experience inherent in sharing a meal and creates an expectation that one’s individual needs always take precedence over those of the group. (Page 181)

When everyone is having the same meal, you learn the art of compromise. You learn that we may be having one person’s favorite meal tonight, and maybe it’s not your favorite meal, but that’s ok, it’s still good healthy food. (Page 182)

Don’t bribe your children with dessert as a reward for eating their meal. First of all, this behavior sets up the meal as a time of frequent negotiation for something else. It removes the child’s attention from the nice social occasion into a game of “Let’s see what I can get out of this.” From a medical standpoint, it is a recipe for childhood obesity. You’re saying, “If you eat the whole plate of food I will give you more.” The lesson rewards overeating. (Page 182)

In many other cultures, aside from a piece of fruit, dessert isn’t part of the expectations of a regular meal. Most children raised to view a prepared dessert as an occasional treat and not a meal mainstay experience very few weight problems as adults. If you still wish to have dessert, of course, perhaps you can serve yourself once your kids are in bed. (Page 182)

Get Everyone Involved (Page 183)

planned the week’s meals together. First Jamie will go through her refrigerator, freezer, and pantry to see what she already has that can serve as the base for a few meals. With that information, she’ll offer the kids a few suggestions and let them choose which they’d like to see on the menu that upcoming week. (Page 183)

I’ll offer up choices and they choose what they want. Sometimes they put in their choices and then I will throw in a new recipe and after they eat it, they rate it as a keeper or not.” (Page 183)

Jamie’s kids are learning what it takes to plan and prepare healthful meals, and since they’re given some say in the process, they’re unlikely to complain about what’s served. (Page 183)

Kids can also start helping in the kitchen at a young age. Toddlers love sifting flour or scooping measuring cups and spoons. Even young children with little eye–hand coordination can slice a banana with a dull knife or peel a cucumber. Let your child sit on the counter or in the kitchen with you while you cook so he can get a first-row view of all the action. Kids enjoy eating what they’ve made, and in this way, meal preparations become fun, social-bonding moments. (Page 183)

Mix Things Up (Page 184)

Every now and then, eat picnic-style on the floor, gather out on the deck in the backyard, or sit on the stoop or porch out front. (Page 184)

Most of All (Page 184)

Make your motto, “Here, try this. I think it’s yummy.” (Page 184)

BUT WHAT ABOUT ALLERGIES? (Page 184)

Children exposed to peanut protein before the age of one year lowered their risk of developing a peanut allergy by as much as 81 percent. (Page 185)

A good precaution is to keep a bottle of liquid Benadryl in your home so you’re prepared for any surprises. (Page 186)

8 Slow Down to Discipline (Page 190)

as children assert their independence and begin to express their needs and opinions and even test their boundaries, parents often find themselves feeling helpless, they resort to punishing the child and end up exhausted when neither time-outs nor countdowns nor yelling nor any other disciplinary tactic seems to work. (Page 192)

Kenyan method of child-rearing might be summed up as follows: Limit your rules. Be consistent. Ask for what you want, not what you don’t. Offer limited choices. Ask why. (Page 194)

LIMIT YOUR RULES (Page 194)

If you want your children to hear you and heed you, keep your rules to a minimum. Focus on protecting their safety, the safety of others, and instilling respect and good manners. Don’t worry much about anything else except what really matters to you. (Page 194)

BE CONSISTENT (Page 195)

One thing we can do is reduce the opportunities for friction. For example, an easy place to start is to stop controlling what our children wear. So what if we don’t think their clothes match? (Page 196)

If your kids are working on an art project at the table, it’s acceptable to ask them to tidy up when they’re done. It’s good to ask them to place their clothes in the laundry basket and not on the bedroom floor. But if it doesn’t happen every single time, don’t lose your cool, and don’t punish. After all, it’s unlikely you are always 100 percent compliant yourself. Just take a moment to remind the kids of what they’re supposed to do, tidy up, and move on to more important things. Modeling is far more effective than almost any other parenting technique. End of story. I have found that parents who talk respectfully to their children, treat them politely, and respond consistently when there is an issue tend to have children who are calm, caring, and reasonable. (Page 196)

Work with your children and allow them to express their individuality and experiment within reason. (Page 197)

Consistency, not severity, is the key to instilling good discipline. You can run a relaxed home and still make it clear that the rules might differ at school or elsewhere and you expect your child to respect them. Focus on curbing really unsafe or violent behaviors, teach empathy and respect, and ignore the little things that don’t make a scrap of difference. When you set very few rules, it gives children the freedom to learn without a doubt what’s really important to you and your family until they’re old enough to understand why the rules need to be followed. (Page 197)

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT, NOT WHAT YOU DON’T (Page 198)

Children under the age of two years don’t really understand a negative sentence. For example, when you tell a small child not to do something, you might as well be telling them to do it. (Page 198)

OFFER LIMITED CHOICES (Page 198)

better idea would be to ask the child what chores she’d like to do, especially if you’re not actually looking for help, but rather assigning tasks to teach her how to be a helpful family member. It will help your child succeed more if you allow her to select the task for which she will be responsible. (Page 199)

The more control you can give children over their own decisions and actions within a safe setting, the more amenable they will be to participating in the daily tasks of family life and your requests for help. (Page 199)

One thing I like to suggest to parents is that if you’re going to ask children to help, try to find outdoor jobs. Better yet, have them help you or your partner outside after school or on the weekends. Outdoor work is going to tend to be a bit physical, and the jobs you can find for kids will be more enjoyable to them because they can get dirty and they may get a chance to play with water or dirt. (Page 199)

As the adults, we have the responsibility to organize our lives to function with or without our children’s’ help. Our children’s main priority should be to learn, and our priority for them should be to provide opportunities for them to learn and gain skills. (Page 200)

They’re going to need reminders, probably more than you think they will. Keep in mind that they don’t have the same concentration or the same memory ability as we do. (Page 200)

would work together for a couple of hours Saturday mornings. I would delegate the spaces that needed cleaning or the jobs (such as vacuuming) and assign them by what was appropriate for each age. We all knew that after we were done we would go out as a family for a whole day of fun and play, such as going water skiing, having a picnic, or hitting the ski slopes. (Page 200)

Our job as parents is to teach our children how to do things, allow them to try, and then make sure that we offer any help they need to succeed and be successful. They already have lots of responsibility related to learning how to manage themselves and their school or activities. Other than that, when we ask them to do something, our objective should be to teach them to work with us, not for us. And if you can do all of this teaching with a sense of humor, you might be amazed at how much faster your children learn. (Page 200)

ASK WHY (Page 201)

When children act out, they’re almost always trying to tell us they’re frustrated, and we can’t help them or improve the behavior unless we know why. Unfortunately, some parents don’t bother to ask. (Page 202)

It’s About Time (Page 202)

You’ve got to take the time to talk to your child and in a calm tone ask what is wrong before emotions—yours and theirs—get out of control. (Page 202)

Our initial reaction is often to roll our eyes and tell the kid to get over it. But what if, instead of responding negatively, we asked why the shoes have lost favor and responded sympathetically. Even when the reasoning seems silly to us, it’s rarely silly to a child. Giving your child a chance to figure out his feelings and then acknowledging them will likely help you decompress the situation. (Page 205)

Finding the right balance between encouraging children to solve their own problems and accept help when they need it can feel like a tightrope act. (Page 205)

If the child persists, help out quickly and move on. There is never a reason to emotionally duke it out with a three-year-old. At this age, what’s important is to help our children to succeed. That doesn’t mean you have to spoil them or let them take advantage of you. Help them, but don’t reward undesirable behavior, whether by yelling (which is attention, even if it’s negative attention), begging, or even worse, giving in. (Page 206)

TAMING TANTRUMS (Page 207)

The best thing to do is to remove them to a safe area such as their bedroom. The problem could simply be that they are tired and need some down time. Once they have no audience, they will probably stop performing. When they have calmed down, you can let them come back and join you. They will quickly learn that the behavior won’t get them the results they want. (Page 207)

After she has calmed down, try to talk about what happened, making sure to engage in a dialogue, not a one-way conversation from you to the child. Explore what the problem is and take the opportunity to point out how you feel when your child behaves this way. Suggest other ways of behaving that are more acceptable to you when she feels frustrated or angry in the future. For example, you could give her permission to scream into her pillow when she’s angry or go outside into the yard, weather permitting, to stomp out her frustration. (Page 207)

Time-outs, like any other punishment, will not be effective if used too frequently because they lose their meaning. If time-outs stop working, try taking away a privilege or an item that means something to her (but not something that offers comfort, like a favorite stuffed animal). (Page 208)

WHINING (Page 208)

For the small things that really don’t matter: If you know that eventually you will give in to a request if your child keeps begging or nagging, just agree to it the first time and be done with it. You’ll spare yourself and the whole family a lot of annoying behavior and stress. (Page 208)

For the big things that are not negotiable: Stay strong. (Page 208)

Calmly weigh the pros and cons and then give a single, clear answer with a reason, and make sure that you are consistent. And once you’ve given that answer, make sure to end the conversation. If you can help your child move on to something more fun, do so, and if you can’t, it’s okay if your child is unhappy with your decision. Kids rebound quickly. Give them time and they’ll find something else that will engage them. (Page 209)

AGGRESSION (Page 209)

Whenever you see aggressive behavior, before jumping in with a disciplinary action it is always important to talk to the child and see if you can find out what is bothering him or her. Even a small child can often tell you. Many children are scared to talk about feelings that make them aggressive or they don’t quite understand why they are so upset, but speaking to children gently will probably help you get to the bottom of the problem faster than if you threaten or punish. (Page 209)

PREPARE TO BE TESTED (Page 210)

The first time a child doesn’t heed your request, stay calm and ask again. Children usually want to be helpful but are easily distracted. It is entirely possible your child intended to do as you asked but forgot. By the second or third time, it would be natural to start feeling irritated, but keep it in check. Instead of getting angry, quietly interrupt whatever activity it is that your child is choosing to do instead of listening to you. Turn the television off, gently take away the iPad, or put the Legos away. Explain that you are disappointed with her and expected more. Very few children aren’t affected when they feel they have disappointed or hurt their parents’ feelings. (Page 211)

More parents need to venture out with their children, not hide them. We need to give our children more free reign to succeed, and not get angry when they fail. At this age, the consequences are minimal. Yes, it may require a little more effort in the beginning when you want to relax with a glass of wine and talk to your friends and instead you have to make sure your child isn’t being noisy or getting into something he shouldn’t. (Page 211)

The more chances you give them to practice, and the more positive reinforcement they get from other adults and from you for being a lovely, interesting, well-mannered child, the easier it will be to take them anywhere. (Page 212)

Here’s a tip for a pleasant night out: If you plan to take your children out to an adult setting, ensure that they have had a chance to exercise first. It’s amazing how mellow they can be after some high-energy playtime. (Page 212)

A valuable trick to a calm family life is to prioritize. Decide what is most important to you and your loved ones, and concentrate your energy on that. (Page 212)

And please don’t worry about what other people think. Everyone is going to tell you how great their children are, how responsible, and how accomplished. (Page 213)

9 Play! (Page 214)

DANIEL KISH LOST both of his eyes to retinal cancer when he was just a toddler. Kish is known as “the Batman” because he relies on echolocation—the act of bouncing clicks off hard surfaces to “see” one’s environment, like a bat—to get around. It allows him to do everything seeing people do, such as hike the hills of his native California, travel, and perhaps most extraordinary, ride a bike. When his mother, Paulette, realized her son would never see, she realized, as she explained in an interview on This American Life, that she had a choice: “Wrap him in cotton so that he didn’t get hurt” or “put away” her fear and let him experience the world like any other child. Daniel taught himself echolocation, or as he now calls it, FlashSonar, at an extremely young age. Yet, even when her son got in trouble with the police for climbing a neighbor’s fence, even after he knocked out his front teeth by running into a pole at school, and even after he smashed into a metal streetlight after riding downhill full speed on his bike, Paulette stuck to her decision to give him his freedom. Of course everyone kept asking, “How can you let him do that?” But when they did, “she’d look at his smiling face and think, ‘How can I not?’” If Paulette can find the courage to let her blind child ride a bicycle—a child who then grew up to hold two master’s degrees and become a role model, teacher, media star, TED Talk lecturer, and founder and president of a nonprofit, World Access for the Blind—then surely the parents of almost every other child in the country should be able to find the courage to let their children do something as simple as cross the street in their own neighborhood or play unsupervised in their front yard, or spend time on their own with friends. (Page 214)

Tags: blue

Our fearful culture causes parents to overprotect their children and limit them in every way, from exploring their physical environment to making their own decisions. We don’t take the time to let kids try and fail, then try and fail again. Social critics and even some college administrators have lamented that overprotective parents are raising a generation of entitled young adults incapable of making decisions without checking in with Mom and Dad. And it’s true that the freedom to experiment and take risks is necessary to promote creativity, innovation, courage, confidence, and grit—the very characteristics for which Americans are famous. (Page 215)

By bringing play indoors and imposing our constant close supervision, the play itself has changed significantly. The reevaluation of what’s best for kids shouldn’t be limited to how much or how little playtime our children should get, but the type of play they’re allowed to experience. It’s not just about getting exercise; it’s about allowing children to navigate their own worlds without interference from adults. (Page 220)

“adventure playgrounds”—which could pass for junk yards and where kids are free to build forts and are even permitted to light fires—are gaining popularity as a movement builds to provide children with a place to make their own rules without any direction from adults. (Page 221)

Cars and Legos are excellent games, but they develop only fine motor skills. While important, they should be part of short rest periods in between lots of big movement. We’re taking bodies that were meant to move and forcing them to sit still and quietly for the majority of their days, even before our kids start school. (Page 221)

We are a nation obsessed with improving our children’s cognitive functions so they can compete in an ever-intensifying scramble for limited resources, academic placement, and career opportunities. But it’s truly counterproductive to elevate study and practice at the expense of free play. (Page 223)

TURN OFF THE SCREENS (Page 224)

My first piece of advice probably won’t be a big surprise: minimize the amount of time your kids spend in front of screens. As we’ve already discussed, ideally children under the age of two should have minimal exposure to television or computer screens. It is simply not good for the development of the central nervous system. (Page 224)

THINK HOME FREE (Page 225)

When at home, young children should be playing in the physical world, not the virtual one; (Page 225)

Falls (Page 226)

Most parents know to baby-proof their home as soon as their children become mobile, but a number of the patients I treat for concussions or severe head contusions haven’t even learned to crawl yet. Many of these accidents occur because safety devices give parents a false sense of security. (Page 226)

children should be removed from their car seats whenever they’re not traveling. (Page 227)

Burns (Page 227)

It’s second nature for parents to caution young children to steer clear of the stove when they’re cooking and to refrain from placing children within proximity of boiling water. (Page 227)

Assume all heat-emitting tools and appliances are on until you have confirmed otherwise. Make it a habit to treat all pots and mugs as though they contained hot liquids. (Page 228)

Poisonings (Including Skin Irritations) (Page 228)

Move all household cleaners from underneath the sink to a hard-to-reach location. That includes laundry detergent pods—children have been known to choke on them. Make sure medicine cabinets can be locked, even the ones above the bathroom sink, for children love to climb up to explore what’s behind the cabinet doors. (Page 228)

Drownings (Page 229)

child can drown in just a few inches of water. (Page 229)

childproof locked pool gate should surround all private swimming pools. In addition, it’s not overkill to place a safety cover over the pool when it’s not in use or to install an alarm that goes off whenever anyone enters the pool. (Page 229)

Never leave a child under the age of four alone in a bathroom while the tub is filling. No exceptions. (Page 229)

Never leave a child under the age of four unattended in a bathtub, not even in a child safety seat or baby bath. No exceptions. Empty the tub as soon as bath time is over. No exceptions. Never leave a child unsupervised near a swimming pool, not even if he can swim (children can slip and fall unconscious into the water), not even if older children are around, and not even for a minute. No exceptions. (Page 229)

Dog Bites (Page 230)

Teach your children how to interact safely with a pet and supervise very young children when they’re around the animal. (Page 230)

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED (Page 231)

here’s a list of the only products you really need once your child starts to crawl, pull up, and walk: safety gates—one to block access to the stairs if you live in a multilevel home and one to block access to the fireplace cabinet locks for any low cabinets where you might store sharp objects, medicines, or chemicals electrical outlet covers cable organizers and clips, to tuck away and hide loose wires a swimming pool fence if you have a pool window guards for upper story windows, especially in older homes (Page 231)

For good measure, get on your hands and knees and look at your home from a small child’s perspective to see if there is anything clearly dangerous that you might have missed. (Page 231)

GET OUTSIDE (Page 232)

Make a concerted effort to help your child go outdoors every day. There is a growing body of research that indicates outside play is not just about giving kids a chance to blow off steam but is mentally restorative and promotes better cognition. (Page 232)

You’ll be amazed at the destressing capabilities, not to mention the workout, of a good game of tag. Parents will find that their family life will be easier and more pleasant if they find ways to get the children out of the house for unstructured play. If they’re older, they’ll be better students, and overall nicer kids to have around. That should be all the incentive you need. (Page 234)

ENCOURAGE CALCULATED RISK (Page 234)

As your children get older, encourage them to take reasonable calculated risks and challenge themselves. Kids will learn to be safer if you give them the chance to test themselves. Push your girls, in particular, to play rough-and-tumble. I see many more girls than boys coming in with fractures because they don’t have as much experience being physical. Boys, who tend to get more exercise and get more experience with falling, roll when they fall, but girls tend to put out an arm to cushion their fall, breaking it in the process. Give all of your children plenty of encouragement to learn their physical limits and practice self-preservation. (Page 234)

Stop yourself from robbing them of important life lessons. Learning to handle fear and risk is important. If a minor accident occurs, don’t interpret it as a failure on your part, or your child’s. It’s a lesson. I cannot tell you your children will never get hurt if you take this approach to child-rearing—they probably will. Children get hurt whether you try to protect them or not. That’s how each of us learns—falling and knowing that you can get up again. (Page 235)

Let’s not impose a negative outlook on our children. If we learn to accept the small bumps and bruises with a little more equanimity, it might be easier for us to live without fear and, more important, we need to teach our children to live without it, too. They’ll be stronger and smarter for it. Give them the freedom to become strong, independent, and fearless, all qualities that will help them succeed later in life. (Page 235)

would never suggest we should let our children ski down our rooftops. But I’m glad my son did and that he did not get hurt, and I’m glad that I raised all of my children to be unafraid to take some risks, to play hard, and to experiment. Each of them has taken a completely different approach to life than I did, and they’ve each succeeded marvelously. The one thing they all have in common is that they have refused to live by anyone else’s rules but their own. I believe that’s the end result of the relatively unusual freedom they enjoyed as children. They’re creative, productive, and adventurous, and I see many of the same traits in their own children. (Page 237)

And above all, when you are with your children, be with your children—not “mostly” with your children except for the part of you that is texting, tweeting, and checking your Instagram account. (Page 240)