Whole-Brain Ages and Stages

Filed with 60.5 Parenting · Related: 60.21 Psychology · HQ

As your kids get older, you may nd yourself wanting help applying
the twelve whole-brain strategies to each new age and stage. With
that in mind, we’ve put together the following chart, which you can
use as a reference guide anytime you need a quick refresher. Some
of what we recommend below will overlap across dierent ages
since the strategies are relevant for dierent developmental stages.
Our goal is to ensure that the book continues to be a vital resource
as your child grows and changes, and that you have clear and
specic tools at your disposal for each stage of development.

Infant/Toddler (0–3)

TYPE OF INTEGRATION

Integrating the Left and Right Brain

WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY

#1: Connect and redirect: When your child is upset, connect rst

emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in
control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.

APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY

Now is the time, as early as possible, to begin teaching your child
about emotions. Mirror feelings and use nonverbals (like hugs and
empathetic facial expressions) to show that you understand: You’re
frustrated, aren’t you? Then, once you’ve connected, set the
boundary: Biting hurts. Please be gentle. Finally, focus on an
appropriate alternative or move on to something else: Hey, there’s
your bear. I haven’t seen him in a long time.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#2: Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out
of control, help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him.
In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience
and feel more in control.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Even at this young age, make it a habit to acknowledge and name
feelings: You look so sad. That really hurt, didn’t it? Then tell the
story. With small children, you’ll need to be the primary narrator.
Use your words and even act out the fall or the bump, possibly
using humor, and watch your child’s fascination. It can be helpful to
make a homemade book with pictures or photos to retell an
upsetting story, or to prepare your child for a transition, like a new
bedtime routine or starting preschool.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your
child’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan and choose,
rather than triggering her downstairs brain, which is less about
thinking and more about reacting.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Nobody likes to be told no, and it’s an especially ineective strategy
to use too often with toddlers. When possible, avoid outright power
struggles with your little one. Save your no for when you really
need it. The next time you hear yourself beginning to forbid her
from hitting the mirror with the stick, stop. Instead, engage her
upstairs brain: Let’s go outside. What could you do with that stick in the
yard?
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#4: Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the
upstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with the downstairs
brain and the body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
As often as possible, nd ways to let your child use her upstairs
brain and make decisions for herself. Do you want to wear your blue
or red shirt today? Would you like milk or water with dinner? When
you read together, ask brain-growing questions: How do you think
the kitty will get down from the tree? Why does the girl look sad?
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-
downstairs balance is to have him move his body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
When your child is upset, make sure to acknowledge his feelings.
This should always be your rst move. But then, as quickly as
possible, get him moving. Roughhouse with him. Play follow the
leader. Race him to his bedroom and back. Get him to move and
you’ll change his mood.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#6: Use the remote of the mind: After an upsetting event, the internal
remote lets a child pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she
tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Children this small may not know about a remote, but they know
the power of a story. Enjoy this time when your child wants to tell
(and retell) stories. Rather than pausing and fast-forwarding, you
may end up simply pressing play repeatedly as you tell the same
story multiple times. Even if you feel annoyed at having to go over
the account again and again, remember that storytelling produces
understanding, healing, and integration.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#7: Remember to remember: Help your kids exercise their memory by
giving them lots of practice at remembering.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
At this age, ask simple questions, focusing on returning your child’s
attention to the details of her day. We went to Carrie’s house today,
didn’t we? And do you remember what we did there? Questions like
these are the building blocks for an integrated memory system.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#8: Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come
and go. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states, not
enduring traits.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Lay the foundation for an awareness of the dierence between “feel”
and “am.” When young children feel sad (or angry or afraid), they
have a hard time understanding that they won’t always feel that
way. So help them say, “I feel sad right now, but I know I’ll be
happy later.” Be careful, though, that you don’t dismiss the actual
feelings. Acknowledge the present emotion and provide comfort,
then help your child understand that he won’t feel sad forever, that
he will feel better soon.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#9: SIFT: Help your children notice and understand the sensations,
images, feelings, and thoughts within them.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Help your child become aware of and talk about her internal world.
Ask questions that guide her toward noticing bodily sensations (Are
you hungry?), mental images (What do you picture when you think
about Grandma’s house?), feelings (It’s frustrating when the blocks fall,
isn’t it?), and thoughts (What do you think will happen when Jill comes
over tomorrow?).
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#10: Exercise mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm
themselves and focus their attention where they want.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Even small children can learn to be still and take calm breaths, if
only for a few seconds. Have your child lie on her back and place a
toy boat on her stomach. Show her how to take slow, big breaths to
make the boat go up and down. Keep this exercise very short since
she’s so young. Just let her experience the feeling of being still,
quiet, and peaceful.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Self and Other
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#11: Increase the family fun factor: Build fun into the family, so that
your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people
they’re with the most.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Follow your child’s lead and just play. Tickle him, laugh with him,
love him. Stack things up, knock them down. Bang on pots and
pans, go to the park, roll the ball. With every interaction in which
you focus on and attune to your child, you can create positive
expectations in his mind about what it means to love and be in a
relationship.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#12: Connect through conict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid, view
conict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship
skills.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Talk with your child about sharing and taking turns, but don’t
expect too much from her. In the coming years you will have many
opportunities to teach social skills and discipline. Right now, if
there’s conict between her and another child, help her express how
she feels and how the other child might feel, and help them
problem-solve if possible. Then redirect them both so they can
transition into a dierent activity they can each enjoy.
Preschooler (3–6)
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Left and Right Brain
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#1: Connect and redirect: When your child is upset, connect rst
emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in
control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
First, lovingly hear what’s upset your child. Hug her and repeat back
to her what you’ve heard with nurturing nonverbal communication:
You’re really disappointed that Molly can’t come over? Then, once
you’ve connected, help direct her toward problem solving and more
appropriate behavior: I know you’re upset, but you need to be gentle
with Mommy. Do you have another idea for playing? Maybe we could
see if Molly can come over tomorrow.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#2: Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out
of control, help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him.
In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience
and feel more in control.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Whether it’s a “small-t” or “big-T” trauma, you can start the
storytelling process almost right away (once you’ve connected right
brain to right). At this age, he’ll need you to take the lead: You know
what I saw? I saw you running, and when your foot hit that slippery
spot, you fell. Is that what happened?? If he continues the story, great.
But if needed, you can continue: So then you started crying, and I ran
over to you and … It can be helpful to make a homemade book with
drawings or photos to retell an upsetting story, or to prepare your
child for a transition, like a new bedtime routine or starting school.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your
child’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan and choose,
rather than triggering her downstairs brain, which is less about
thinking and more about reacting.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Setting clear boundaries is important, but we often say no more
than we need to. When your child is upset, be creative. Instead of
saying, We don’t act that way, ask, What’s another way you could
handle that? Instead of I don’t like the way you’re talking, try, Can you
think of another way to say that, one that will be more polite? Then
praise her when she uses her upstairs brain to come up with
alternatives. A great question to help avoid power struggles is, Can
you come up with an idea for how we can both get what we want?
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#4: Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the
upstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with the downstairs
brain and the body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
In addition to introducing your child to shapes and letters and
numbers, play “What would you do?” games that present him with
hypothetical dilemmas. What would you do if you were at the park
and found a toy that you really wanted, but you knew it belonged to
someone else? Read together and ask your child to predict how the
story will end. Also, give him lots of opportunities to make decisions
for himself, even (and especially) when it’s dicult.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-
downstairs balance is to have him move his body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Kids this age love to move. So when your child is upset, and after
you’ve acknowledged his feelings, give him reasons to move his
body. Wrestle with him. Play “keep it up” with a balloon. Toss a ball
back and forth while he’s telling you why he’s upset. Moving the
body is a powerful way to change a mood.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#6: Use the remote of the mind: After an upsetting event, the internal
remote lets a child pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she
tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Most likely, your preschooler loves telling stories. Encourage this.
Tell stories about anything that happens: good, bad, and in between.
And when a signicant event occurs, be willing to narrate and
renarrate the story. Even if your child may not know much about
remote controls, she may be able to “go back” and “pause” her
story. She’ll be delighted to hear you tell, and help you tell and
retell, the story of any big moment in her life. So be prepared to
“press play” over and over again—and know that when you do,
you’re promoting healing and integration.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#7: Remember to remember: Help your kids exercise their memory by
giving them lots of practice at remembering.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Ask questions that exercise the memory: What did Ms. Alvarez think
of the robot you took in for sharing today? Remember when Uncle Chris
took you to get a snow cone? Play memory games that ask your child
to match up pairs or nd like items, maybe pictures of friends and
family with specic stories or memories. Especially on important
events you want him to remember, take turns talking about the
details that stood out for each of you.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#8: Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come
and go. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states, not
enduring traits.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
One reason big feelings can be so uncomfortable for small children
is that they don’t view those emotions as temporary. So while you
comfort your child when she’s upset, teach her that feelings come
and go. Help her see that it’s good to acknowledge her emotions,
but it’s also good to realize that even though she’s sad (or angry or
scared) right now, she’ll probably be happy again in a few minutes.
You can even “lead the witness” and ask, When do you think you’ll
feel better?
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#9: SIFT: Help your children notice and understand the sensations,
images, feelings, and thoughts within them.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Talk to your child about his inner world. Help him understand that
he can notice and talk about what’s going on in his mind and body.
He probably won’t be ready for the acronym SIFT yet, but you can
help him ask questions that guide him toward noticing bodily
sensations (Are you hungry?), mental images (What do you picture
when you think about Grandma’s house?), feelings (It’s frustrating when
friends don’t share, isn’t it?), and thoughts (What do you think will
happen at school tomorrow?).
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#10: Exercise mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm
themselves and focus their attention where they want.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
At this age, kids can practice taking calm breaths, especially if you
keep the exercises brief. Have your child lie on her back, and place
a toy boat on her stomach. Show her how to take slow big breaths
to make the boat go up and down. You can also tap into your child’s
vivid imagination at this age to give her practice focusing attention
and shifting her emotional state: Imagine that you are resting on the
warm sand at the beach and you are feeling calm and happy.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Self and Other
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#11: Increase the family fun factor: Build fun into the family, so that
your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people
they’re with the most.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
You don’t have to try too hard to have fun with your preschooler.
Just being with you is paradise for him. Spend time with him, play
games, and laugh together. Facilitate fun with siblings and
grandparents. Be silly and turn potential power struggles into
playful and funny moments of joining. When you are intentional
about having fun and creating enjoyable family rituals, you’re
making an investment in your relationship that will pay o for years
to come.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#12: Connect through conict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid, view
conict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship
skills.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Use conict your preschooler faces—with her siblings, with her
classmates, even with you—to teach her lessons about how to get
along with others. Sharing, taking turns, and asking for and granting
forgiveness are important concepts she’s ready to learn. Model these
for her, and take the time to kneel down and help her understand
what it means to be in a relationship and how to be considerate and
respectful of others, even during times of conict.
Early School Age (6–9)
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Left and Right Brain
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#1: Connect and redirect: When your child is upset, connect rst
emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in
control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Listen rst, then repeat how your child is feeling. At the same time,
use your nonverbal communication to comfort. Hugs and physical
touch, along with empathetic facial expressions, remain powerful
tools for calming big emotions. Then redirect through problem
solving and, depending on the circumstance, discipline and
boundary setting.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#2: Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out
of control, help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him.
In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience
and feel more in control.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Whether it’s a “small-t” or “big-T” trauma, you can start the
storytelling process almost right away (once you’ve connected right
brain to right brain). Whereas with younger kids you may need to
do most of the storytelling and with older kids you can let them take
the lead, with a school-age child you need to balance the two. Ask
lots of questions: Did you just not notice that the swing was coming
toward you? or What did your teacher do when he said that to you?
What happened after that? It can be helpful to make a homemade
book with drawings or photos to retell an upsetting story, or to
prepare your child for something she is dreading, like a visit to the
dentist or a move.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your
child’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan and choose,
rather than triggering her downstairs brain, which is less about
thinking and more about reacting.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
As always, connect rst. Avoid immediately playing the “Because I
said so!” card. Your child’s upstairs brain is blossoming right now,
so let it do its job. Explain your reasons, invite questions, ask for
alternative solutions, and even negotiate. You’re the authority in the
relationship, and there’s no place for disrespect, but you can
encourage your child to come up with dierent approaches to
discipline or learning a lesson. When we expect and facilitate more
sophisticated thinking, we’re less likely to get a reactive, ghting
response.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#4: Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the
upstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with the downstairs
brain and the body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Play “What would you do?” games and present your child with
dilemmas: If a bully was picking on someone at school and there were
no adults around, what would you do? Encourage empathy and self-
understanding through reective dialogues about how others feel,
and about his own intentions, desires, and beliefs. Also, let your
child struggle with dicult decisions and situations. Whenever you
can do so responsibly, avoid solving and resist rescuing, even when
he makes minor mistakes or not-so-great choices. After all, your goal
here isn’t perfection on every decision right now, but an optimally
developed upstairs brain down the road.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-
downstairs balance is to have him move his body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Connect with your child when she’s upset, then nd ways to get her
moving. Get on your bikes together. Play “keep it up” with a balloon
or try some yoga poses. Depending on your particular child, you
may need to be more direct about what you’re doing. Don’t feel that
you need to “trick” her or hide your strategy. Be direct and explain
to her the “move it or lose it” concept, then use the lesson to teach
her that we can actually control our moods to a signicant extent.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#6: Use the remote of the mind: After a painful event, the internal
remote lets a child pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she
tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
A child this age may shy away from retelling dicult stories or
recalling painful memories. Help him understand the importance of
looking at what’s happened to him. Be gentle and nurturing, and
give him the power to pause the story at any point, and even to fast-
forward past unpleasant details. But make sure that at some point,
even if it’s later on, you rewind and tell the entire story, including
even the painful parts.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#7: Remember to remember: Help your kids exercise their memory by
giving them lots of practice at remembering.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
In the car, at the dinner table, wherever, help your child talk about
her experiences, so she can integrate her implicit and explicit
memories. This is especially important when it comes to the most
important moments of her life, like family experiences, important
friendships, and rites of passage. Simply by asking questions and
encouraging recollection, you can help her remember and
understand important events from the past, which will help her
better understand what’s happening to her in the present.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#8: Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come
and go. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states, not
enduring traits.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Help your child pay attention to the words he uses when he talks
about his feelings. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’m scared.”
But help him understand that another way to say it is, “I feel
scared.” This minor shift in vocabulary can help him understand the
subtle but important distinction between “feel” and “am.” He may
feel afraid in the moment, but that experience is temporary, not
permanent. To give him perspective, ask him how he expects to feel
in ve minutes, ve hours, ve days, ve months, and ve years.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#9: SIFT: Help your children notice and understand the sensations,
images, feelings, and thoughts within them.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Introduce the wheel of awareness. Also, play the SIFT game in the
car or at dinner and actually teach your child the acronym. Help her
understand that we need to notice what’s going on within ourselves
if we want to control the way we feel and act. Ask questions that
guide her toward noticing bodily sensations (Are you hungry?),
mental images (What do you picture when you think about Grandma’s
house?), feelings (It’s not fun to feel left out, is it?), and thoughts
(What do you think will happen at school tomorrow?).
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#10: Exercise mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm
themselves and focus their attention where they want.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Children this age can understand and feel the benets of getting
calm and focusing the mind. Give them practice at being still and
quiet, and let them enjoy the calm within. By guiding their mind
through visualization and imagination, show them that they have
the ability to focus their attention on thoughts and feelings that
bring them happiness and peace. Show them that anytime they need
to calm themselves, they can simply slow down and pay attention to
their breathing.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Self and Other
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#11: Increase the family fun factor: Build fun into the family, so your
kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people
they’re with the most.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Do what you love doing together. Have a family movie night with
popcorn. Play a board game. Ride bikes. Make up a story together.
Sing and dance. Just spend time together being happy and silly, and
it will create a strong relational foundation for the future. Be
intentional about having fun and creating enjoyable rituals and
memories.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#12: Connect through conict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid, view
conict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship
skills.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Your child is old enough now for more relational sophistication.
Explicitly teach a skill, then practice it. Explain about seeing other
people’s perspectives, then pick out random people in a store or
restaurant and try to guess what’s important to them and where
they’re coming from. Teach about reading nonverbal cues, then play
a game to see how many examples (frowning, shrugging, lifting
eyebrows, etc.) you can come up with. Teach about going beyond
apologizing when we’ve messed up, then come up with a timely
example where your child can put it into practice by writing a letter
or replacing something important.
Later School Age (9–12)
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Left and Right Brain
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#1: Connect and Redirect: When your child is upset, connect rst
emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in
control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Listen rst, then reect back how your child is feeling. Be careful
not to condescend or talk down to her. Just echo what you hear.
And use nonverbals. Even though your child is growing up, she still
wants to be nurtured by you. Once she feels felt, it’s time to redirect
to planning and, if necessary, discipline. Show your child the respect
of speaking clearly and directly. She’s old enough to hear and
understand a logical explanation of the situation and any resulting
consequences.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#2: Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out
of control, help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him.
In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience
and feel more in control.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
First, acknowledge feelings. This is no less true for a big kid than it
is for a small one (or an adult). Just express, explicitly, what you
observe: I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be, too. Then
facilitate the storytelling. Ask questions and be present, but let him
tell his own story, in his own time. Especially in painful moments,
it’s important that kids talk about what’s happened to them. But we
can’t force them to do so. We can only be patient and present and
allow them to talk when they’re ready. If your child doesn’t want to
talk to you about it, suggest journaling, or help him nd someone
he will talk to.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your
child’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan and choose,
rather than triggering her downstairs brain, which is less about
thinking and more about reacting.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
This is one of the worst ages to play the “Because I said so!” card.
Instead, encourage your child’s blossoming upstairs brain by
appealing to it whenever you can. Maintain your authority in the
relationship, but as much as possible, discuss alternatives and
negotiate with her when it comes to rules and discipline. Be
respectful and creative as you help her improve her higher-order
thinking faculties by asking her to participate with you in making
decisions and coming up with solutions.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#4: Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the
upstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with the downstairs
brain and the body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Hypothetical situations become more and more fun as a child’s brain
develops. Play “What would you do?” games and present your child
with dilemmas. These games can be purchased, but you can come
up with your own situations: If your friend’s mother had been drinking
before she was supposed to drive you home, how would you handle it?
Encourage empathy and self-understanding through reective
dialogues about how others feel, and your child’s own intentions,
desires, and beliefs. Also, let him struggle with dicult decisions
and situations, even when he makes minor mistakes or not-so-great
choices. After all, your goal here isn’t perfection on every decision
right now, but an optimally developed upstairs brain down the road.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-
downstairs balance is to have him move his body.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Be direct about how moving his body can help shift your child’s
mood. Especially when he’s upset, explain how helpful it is to take a
break and get up and move. Suggest a bike ride or a walk, or do
something physically active with him, such as playing Ping-Pong.
Even taking a break to stretch or play with a yo-yo can help.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#6: Use the remote of the mind: After a painful event, the internal
remote lets a child pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she
tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
As she approaches adolescence, your child may become more
reluctant to talk with you about painful experiences. Explain the
importance of implicit memory, and how the associations of a past
experience can still aect her. Teach her that she can gain control
over an experience by retelling the story. Be gentle and nurturing,
and give her the power to pause the story at any point, and even to
fast-forward past unpleasant details. But make sure that at some
point, even if it’s later on, you rewind and tell the entire story,
including the painful parts.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Memory
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#7: Remember to remember: Help your kids exercise their memory by
giving them lots of practice at remembering.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
In the car and at the dinner table, in scrapbooks or journals, help
your child think about her experiences, so she can integrate her
implicit and explicit memories. This is especially important when it
comes to the most important moments of her life, like family
experiences, important friendships, and rites of passage. Simply by
asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help her
remember and understand important events from the past, which
will help her better understand what’s happening to her in the
present.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#8: Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come
and go. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states, not
enduring traits.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Your child is old enough to understand this point on a conscious
level, but be sure to hear his feelings before you teach this
information. Then, once you’ve validated his feelings, help him
understand that they won’t last forever. Highlight the subtle but
important distinction between “I feel sad” and “I am sad.” To give
him perspective, ask him how he expects to feel in ve minutes, ve
hours, ve days, ve months, and ve years.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#9: SIFT: Help your children notice and understand the sensations,
images, feelings, and thoughts within them.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Some kids this age may actually be interested in the concept of
SIFTing to see what’s going on inside themselves. Understanding
these categories can give them some measure of control over their
lives, which, as they move toward being teenagers, will increasingly
feel more and more chaotic. Also, this is a great age to regularly use
the wheel of awareness to help understand and respond to issues
that arise.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating the Many Parts of Myself
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#10: Exercise mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm
themselves and focus their attention where they want.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
Explain to your child the signicant benets of getting calm and
focusing the mind. Give her practice at being still and quiet, and let
her enjoy the calm within. Show her that she has the ability to focus
her attention on thoughts and feelings that bring her happiness and
peace. Introduce her to some of the practices in this book, such as
guided visualizations and focusing on her breath, or look at some of
the innite resources you’ll nd at the library or online.
TYPE OF INTEGRATION
Integrating Self and Other
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#11: Increase the family fun factor: Build fun into the family, so that
your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people
they’re with the most.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
The cliché is that as kids move toward their teenage years, they less
and less enjoy being with their parents. To some extent this is true.
But the more meaningful and enjoyable experiences you give your
child now, the more he’ll want to be with you in the years to come.
Kids this age still love silliness and play, so don’t underestimate the
power of a game of charades or an interactive board game when it
comes to strengthening family relationships. Go camping. Cook
together. Visit a theme park. Just nd ways to appreciate being
together, creating fun rituals you can enjoy for years to come.
WHOLE-BRAIN STRATEGY
#12: Connect through conict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid, view
conict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship
skills.
APPLICATIONS OF THE STRATEGY
All the relational and conict resolution skills you’ve been trying to
give your child since she was learning to talk—seeing other people’s
perspectives, reading nonverbal cues, sharing, apologizing—are the
same lessons you’re teaching as she moves toward adolescence.
Keep talking about these skills explicitly, and practice them.
Whether you’re asking your child to see the world through someone
else’s eyes, or write a note of apology, teach her that conict is
something not to avoid but to resolve, and that doing so often
improves a relationship.